Announcing the new Kindle 3D.

The new 3D Kindle is slim and lightweight and a new 3D display makes reading a completely new experience.

Combined with the Kindle Glasses, the new 3D display will bring your reading to life!

The Kindle E-Ink technology gets an upgrade and the look of real paper now looks like real paper but really, really, really close. And really, really, really far away -- all at the same time!

And the Amazon Kindle 3D includes 3G networking.

3D! 3G! 3D! 3G! 3D! 3G! 3D! 3G!


Okay, I'm kidding. I'm pretty sure Amazon doesn't sell this.

Our Summer Reading Program: BOOKS WITH BENEFITS.

Summer reading at the Effing Library has just started off with a bang. Many libraries have summer themes like "Dive Into a Book," "Summer Reading Frenzy," "School's Out. Reading's In" or "Read. White and Blue."

But this year's theme at the Effing Library is, "It Happens Between the Covers."

"We took the theme of 'reading in bed' and created these six foot by six foot book beds," says the Director. "They are all designed to reproduce covers from classic books."

He pointed to the large foam beds with cover reproductions from Tropic of Cancer, Portnoy's Complaint, Fanny Hill, A View from Above by Wilt Chamberlain, and My Life by Bill Clinton.

And we let our patrons get in between the covers. "See," he said as he demonstrated with the Cleland book, "these are very roomy. I can get one or two other people in here. Three if they were children."

"We converted our public meeting room into this large bedroom. We've put down cushions and pillows and dimmed the lights to give our patrons a comfortable place to spread open a good book. It's extremely popular with the high school students. And these middle-aged men."

"Hi," the Director calls out to a man squeezing into a Portnoy's Complaint with a teen, "did you guys meet on MySpace?"

"We want it to have the exact same atmosphere as a bedroom. And what's better to do in the bedroom than read a good book?" the Director added.

"It's so good to see kids getting into the classics. We only ask that they write about their books on the social networky thingies. And they can do that through their phones," the Director said. "One girl asked me, 'Is sexting okay?' And I just laughed and said, Of course, 16, 17, all ages are welcome. Kids think they need permission for everything. But I say, go wild."

Starting June 6, the program runs throughout the summer and climaxes with a group booktalk on July 20.


sorry, but this post was inspired by this actual headline:
"Books with Benefits" by COLIN MERRY
...come on, "books with benefits"? it's like "friends with benefits" which is SEX. gawd, do I have to explain all my dirty jokes to you? you're like my mom...

Trouble in Riverdale

Terrible news for Archie & Pals:

How budget cuts might affect the Riverdale Public Library
Wednesday, June 2,2010
BY RICHARD GAWEL
Suburban Trends

RIVERDALE — The state of New Jersey is broke. Governor Chris Christie's next budget includes billions of dollars in cuts affecting every level of public services. And while the debate over school funding has ignited passionate debate and captured the most headlines, a quieter dispute is emerging over state aid to New Jersey's libraries, which will be cut by 74 percent starting June 30 if the planned budget passes. The reduction in aid will drastically affect many of the libraries in Suburban Trends' area, including the Riverdale Public Library.

[no longer RICHARD GAWEL, but me]

One of those affected most by the closings will be "Moose" Mason, Riverdale's star football playing idiot. "D-uh, that's not nice," Moose said when someone read this story to him.

Although Moose's catchphrase, "D-uh", works to his advantage at the Riverdale Public Library. When Moose requests a book by starting, "I need D-uh..", the admittedly smartass librarian interrupts with, "Dubliners?" or "Double Indemnity?" Ironically, Moose is the most well-read resident in Riverdale, for all the good it does him.

Apple Exclusive? Leaked Image? New Products?

Following in the discovery of a prototype next gen iPhone leaked by Gizmodo, the.effing.librarian has received what is believed to be an actual handwritten sheet of product notes from an Apple employee, apparently listing possible names for future Apple products.


As you can see quite clearly, this is a handwritten note. It behaves exactly like any other handwritten note, but since this is Apple production lab paper, it was probably pressed from angels' wings.

But you can also see an official Apple company logo printed at the top of the document, which also seems to be handwritten, which, we think, adds to its secrecy and authenticity. No regular person would just scribble the trademarked, world famous Apple logo on a piece of paper. That would be crazy.

After the note came into our possession, our staff disassembled it in order to understand its mystic meaning. It appeared to be a 24lb. heavy stock paper, made from the aforementioned angel parts and clearly the kind an employee at Apple might use.

And the paper is lined, in order for Apple personnel to organize their thoughts in an harmonious progression of ideas, moving forward and across the paper.

And the handwriting itself was clearly that of a genius. (And since "Genius" is a registered trademark of Apple Inc., again, duh!)

The only question was the pale yellow coloring of the paper which concerned us because we all know that Steve Jobs hates the color yellow. It symbolizes cowardice.

Since the note was discovered in an International House of Pancakes over 300 miles from the nearest Apple Store, it is painfully obvious that someone at Apple was trying to throw reporters and Apple fanatics off the scent.

Here now, are the names of possible future Apple products discovered from this authentic, and not fake, Apple document. We bet some Apple employee is sure embarrassed at losing this.

1. iPortal
2. iPlate
3. iPud
4. iPlop
5. iPrank
6. iPogo
7. iPram
8. iPerk
9. iPeeFreely
10. iPheelPretty
11. iPheelGood

We feel confident that this is totally on the level and not at all made-up. In fact, we've already been in contact with an attorney who claims to represent Apple who sent this email: "If you don't return Mr. Jobs' pet Maltese, Demeter, we will be forced to call the authorities."

So there you have it, proof that this is an actual secret Apple document.

And that is it; I am on break.

A letter from J. D. Salinger, revisited

Originally posted January 2, 2009... It's funny that I forget writing this, even when I heard that Salinger had died. It completely escaped my memory. But then I was just reading about what might be in Salinger's safe and this post popped into my head. Sorry for the repost, but I don't care what you think.

"Hey, everybody. It's me, Jerome. Yeah, that's what the J stands for. So now you know why I use my initials. Anyway, I just turned 90, as mentioned in this piece in the New York Times where the author speculated on how I wouldn't celebrate my birthday. But I had a party like normal people, and since I have an aggressive sweet tooth, I had ice cream cake. I'm partial to the Fudgy the Whale cake from Carvel.

Anyway, like you, I thought I was already dead, too, since the literary world hasn't heard from me for almost 30 years, who knew? But I'm fine. It's weird to think that there are newspapers with twenty-year-old obituaries about me that haven't needed updating since I haven't done anything newsworthy.

Through the years, there have been times when I wanted to emerge from my self-imposed isolation. I wanted to say something when Elvis died. And I cried when River Phoenix died; he had so much promise. And I wrote letters to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that I never sent. It's not important what I wrote. I thought about trying to get tickets to President Obama's inauguration, but then I thought about the crowds and the cold and figured I'd just Tivo the thing.

What have I been doing all these years? Where to start,... where to start... well, I edit a blog called "Phony Bastards," which is kind of a celebrity blog with pictures of actress wardrobe malfunctions and celebrity mug shots. It's on Wordpress. And back in the Seventies, I wrote a sequel to Catcher in the Rye, with Holden on a cross-country trip with his pet chimpanzee, but then Every Which Way But Loose came out and it was a huge hit, so I shitcanned that manuscript.

What else keeps me active? I laughed at Borat. And I wrote a script for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer that I sent in anonymously that was never used. But I don't mind because Joss Whedon's a genius, and I still microwave some popcorn on Saturday nights and watch the DVDs. Other than that, I haven't written much. So it's no surprise if no one remembers who I am when I finally kick it.

I'm thinking I should license my stuff for television or commercials. You know, have a modern Holden star in kind of a Dawson's Creek thing. What do you think?

Or how about this for a commercial for my Mac:
When I don't write anything, I don't write it on my MacBook Air.

Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, I think I'm going to make some calls. I'm back, baby!"

What Tiger Woods and the.effing.librarian have in common

If I told you my real name, you'd slap yourself from the shock at the sudden recognition. I was very famous a long time ago. If you remember anything from the Seventies, you remember me.

I was happily married with a beautiful daughter. But then tragedy. On the set of Fantasy Island, two actresses with whom I'd been having affairs, shared notes and realized that they were both sleeping with me. And in the days that followed, several other actresses from that show and shows like The Love Boat, shows with large pools of beautiful women used for background and minor speaking roles, all had women who came forward to say that I was unfaithful to my wife with them. And in the ensuing media firestorm and scandal, I disappeared from public view.

But what nobody knows is this real truth.

It was all an act. I paid each of those women to say that we'd had an affair. And if you look closely at the photographs of my "family" in all those tabloids, you might recognize that the role of my wife was played expertly by the actress Karen Valentine and my daughter was played by a young Alyssa Milano.

I don't think you normal, noncelebrity people can understand the strains of being under the media microscope. But I understand what Tiger feels. We are compadres.

I couldn't take the pressure that's inextricably tied to the fame. And I left that world and went to library school, my true lifelong passion. After my time in Tibet, of course. Even under the flash of paparazzi cameras on the red carpet or escorting Sonia Braga to those awards shows in Italy or even when I won the silver at the Winter Olympics at Innsbruck, Austria, I'd always wanted to be a librarian.

So don't be so hard on Tiger. In a few years, even he may be sitting at the desk of your local public library, answering questions, or giving a bookmark to your kid, or even performing a puppet show with his hand up a duck.

But if that happens, and I'm pretty sure it will, what he doesn't know is that the fame he had when he was a golfer is nowhere near the attention he'll get when he becomes a librarian. Hoo-wee. I can barely make it out of the Piggly Wiggly from all the autographs I sign (meaning, tomatoes I dodge -- sigh).

Google through History.

Most people don't realize that Google started in the search business many years ago, even before the Internet. Here now, is an early article on how Google does its magic:




Yes, this is just some bullshit that I made up. As usual.


So I wanted to make a Steampunk version of Google, you know, with an ornate metal mail slot that said Google, on the front of a wooden door with metal gears and stuff visible behind. Maybe some large metal tubes. And then a messenger appears with a parchment sheet full of handwritten search results.

But I couldn't find the images I wanted and I got lazy and gave up. (This Googol image was originally posted here.)

And then I found a different set of images and made something else. Not Steampunk, but still funny (to me).

So this is my fake historical Google news article. Stolen from here. Yes, I am a thieving bastard.

Found at the library.

This is not an actual poster found near our library.


okay, credit where credit is due. thanks to Dances With Books for giving me the well-deserved kick in the ass that got me going on making this.

Child suspended from home school.

When 6-year-old Zachary Christie was suspended for five days and ordered to attend a reform school for bringing a combination knife-fork-spoon to first grade, his mother reacted by keeping the child home for the duration of the punishment, or at least until she could appeal the judgment.

But while Zachary was home being educated by his mother, he ran afoul of the rules again when he went into the kitchen for a mid-morning snack.

Debbie Christie, Zachary's mother tells what happened next. "Zachary grabbed a butter knife from the dish drain to spread some peanut butter on a few crackers. It was in our kitchen. In our house. And that's when the door crashed open."

Delaware schools operate under a zero-tolerance program. Any student who brings a weapon to school or is found in possession of a weapon, will be suspended from school for five days.

Although Zachary was currently being home schooled, the same rules continue to apply. When Zachary handled that butter knife, he again violated the rules.

Unknown to the Christie's, the Christina School District was monitoring Zachary, and at the point of the second violation, law enforcement broke into the home and wrestled the knife from out of his hand. And the crackers were thrown to the floor and smashed into crumbs.

And now that Zachary is under suspension again, he is unable to remain in the home, which was also his school. "This is ridiculous," Debbie Christie said of the situation. "Now Zachary has to sleep out in the back yard in a cardboard box. The school won't let him come in the house for four more days."

"In truth," the school spokesperson said, "Zachary is allowed back into the home after school hours. He only needs to remain in the cardboard box for part of the day and for nap time. And he's allowed to pee anywhere in the backyard he wants. And what little boy doesn't love that?"

the above is mostly made up: original un-madeup story is here.

Introducing AnyBookLibraries™, a New Style of Library for the year 2015

(For 5-Year Delayed Release)

A small district in Any County, America, is changing the face of public libraries. Introducing AnyBookLibraries™, a new style of library that celebrates imagination, research and solitude. Studies have shown that people who are left alone quietly at their local library are less likely to become assholes and annoy others.

Recent changes to libraries have moved them away from physical books and into econtent. Downloadable materials dominated the menu of traditional library offerings; but AnyBookLibraries™ is willing to move forward to engage readers with solid, tangible, physical resources. Traditionally, libraries have been spending their tax dollars on materials their users couldn't even see unless they carried some electronic handheld device in with them. But the new philosophy surrounding the AnyBookLibraries approach gives readers a world of exploration that they experience with their senses, free of that expensive, electronic crutch.

The AnyBookLibraries™ model was designed to help libraries remain relevant by offering books to their customers. Books and books and more books. They offer programming around books, technology for improving access to books, and a "reasonably adequate" level of customer service so that everyone who walks into an AnyBookLibraries™ feels welcome, so long as they silence their phones, spray a little Febreze under their pits, and can keep their mouths shut.

Tripling overdue fines and teaching the Dewey Decimal Classification to the public are just some of the changes on the road to AnyBookLibraries. The next step in this revolution is the launch of the new brand, which represents the new library philosophy.

"AnyBookLibraries is a new style of library that offers memorable experiences linked to hundreds years of a tradition of paper-bound words and pictures for its customers," says the Library director The Effing Librarian. "AnyBookLibraries is a place where you can find more and more and more books. Any damn book you want. But you can't play video games, and if you try to download audio books to your iPod, a signal will make it explode. But if you want to read quietly by a fireplace and write notes in your journal, we have a pencil sharpener out in the lobby to help keep your mind sharp. And your pencil. Obviously. But I was trying to make a point. Pun intended."

Ripped off from this here news itemy thing found on LISNews:

Introducing Anythink, a New Style of Library

Playful, Imaginative New Look Symbolizes New Library Philosophy
DENVER--(Business Wire)--

A small district in Adams County, Colo., is changing the face of public libraries. Introducing AnythinkTM, a new style of library that celebrates imagination, play and interactivity. Studies have shown that people who have had transformative experiences at their local library are more willing to support them at the polls.

The Anythink model was designed to help libraries remain relevant by offering more than just books to their customers. They offer innovative programming, technology, and the highest level of customer service so that everyone who walks into an Anythink feels welcome.

Eliminating overdue fines and switching from Dewey Decimal Classification to a word-based system were just some of the changes on the road to Anythink. The next step in this revolution is the Sept. 12 launch of the district`s new brand, which represents the new library philosophy.

"Anythink is a new style of library that offers memorable experiences and transformations for its customers," says Rangeview Library District director Pam Sandlian Smith. "Anythink is a place where you can find more than just books; you can play video games, download audio books right to your iPod, read quietly by a fireplace, or interact with information - not just be a passive recipient of it."

[snippage]

Anythink is a new style of library - a place of unlimited imagination, where play inspires creativity and lifelong learning. Rangeview Library District serves the residents of Adams County with six Anythink libraries and Anythink in Motion - the district`s mobile library. Construction is underway on two new libraries scheduled to open in 2010. For more information, go to anythinklibraries.org.

Please Join Us in Welcoming Our New Sponsor: OdorMarc

the.effing.librarian is proud to announce our partnership with our new corporate-affiliate and sponsor: OdorMarc, Location ID Systems.

We have broken our previous relationship with Hallllibuurrton Industries, makers of LoveSoft, personal sensual lubricants, and DeathSoft, the long-range military self-guided bomber aircraft, so please stop buying their crap, I don't care how much personal lubrication you think you need.

OdorMarc is a fantastic new library product, and we are all very excited to have them on the team. OdorMarc is a patented (Liberia, Uruguay) shelf management system utilizing an individual's most powerful sense to locate and organize library collections.

Colors are deceptive. Is that book spine chocolate, sienna, burnt umber, saddle brown or just plain brown? Are you viewing the colors through incandescent light, sunlight, white light, fluorescent light or candlelight? How will you ever find your books now that Dewey is no longer in fashion and all those spine labels have been torn off by that new idiot library director who thinks he can run the library like a Barnes & Noble?

Most books look too much alike for any standard classification system to organize them properly. Research shows that humans are 71% more likely to identify an object by smell than by touch, taste or even sight.

So OdorMarc solves these problems by assigning smells to books. Cherry, Rose, Vinegar, Vomit, Fish, and forty more perfectly recombinated scents. One simple OdorMarc Strip® is all it takes placed inside each book, but each strip is saturated with a complex combination of Pherotomes® (book scents).

There are 45 scents which combine to create a staggering 2.4 million unique smells. For example, here is what one customer says when she browses her library's collection: "Mmm, coffee, banana and mint tells me this book is AutoCAD 2009 for Dummies. And, Oy! Dog crap with a hint of cinnamon.. This must be The Da Vinci Code... No, wait.. who let a freakin' dog in the library?"

With OdorMarc, there's a scent for every book on your shelves.

Is your library suffering from budget cuts? Are you considering cutting the lighting bill to save money for essential library services? Well, you'll never be lost in the dark, with OdorMarc. Find any book; just follow your nose.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Whenever Alec Baldwin is on SNL, I wish I could get him to perform this sketch. Yes, I wrote this all by myself. And yes, I think it's funny.

And again, I'm sorry for this.

Cast:
Alec Baldin as Pete Schweddy (original appearances here and here)
John Goodman as Richard Fitz (a new character)

(this is basically the sketch... since it will never be performed, I've never actually written it out on paper)

Pete: Hello, I'm Pete Schweddy. You may remember me from my appearances on National Public Radio's program, The Delicious Dish when we discussed my popular holiday Schweddy Balls.

Richard: (makes yummy sounds)

Pete: And my delicious, meaty Schweddy Weiner.

Pete introduces his Friend, Richard Fitz, who runs a Bed and Breakfast called, The Dick Fitz Inn.

[............anyway... this goes on... until...]

Pete: So Richard and I are here to announce our partnership on opening our combined B&B and eating emporium, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.

...

That's it. That's the joke. I just want to hear Alec Baldwin say, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn. Yes, it's infantile. But hilarious.

And as I said earlier, I'm sorry. Here, as an apology, is the original Pete Schweddy sketch:

A letter from J. D. Salinger.

"Hey, everybody. It's me, Jerome. Yeah, that's what the J stands for. So now you know why I use my initials. Anyway, I just turned 90, as mentioned in this piece in the New York Times where the author speculated on how I wouldn't celebrate my birthday. But I had a party like normal people, and since I have an aggressive sweet tooth, I had ice cream cake. I'm partial to the Fudgy the Whale cake from Carvel.

Anyway, like you, I thought I was already dead, too, since the literary world hasn't heard from me for almost 30 years, who knew? But I'm fine. It's weird to think that there are newspapers with twenty-year-old obituaries about me that haven't needed updating since I haven't done anything newsworthy. Through the years, there have been times when I wanted to emerge from my self-imposed isolation. I wanted to say something when Elvis died. And I cried when River Phoenix died; he had so much promise. And I wrote letters to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that I never sent. It's not important what I wrote. I thought about trying to get tickets to President Obama's inauguration, but then I thought about the crowds and the cold and figured I'd just Tivo the thing.

What have I been doing all these years? Where to start,... where to start... well, I edit a blog called "Phony Bastards," which is kind of a celebrity blog with pictures of actress wardrobe malfunctions and celebrity mug shots. It's on Wordpress. And back in the Seventies, I wrote a sequel to Catcher in the Rye, with Holden on a cross-country trip with his pet chimpanzee, but then Every Which Way But Loose came out and it was a huge hit, so I shitcanned that manuscript.

What else keeps me active? I laughed at Borat. And I wrote a script for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer that I sent in anonymously that was never used. But I don't mind because Joss Whedon's a genius, and I still microwave some popcorn on Saturday nights and watch the DVDs. Other than that, I haven't written much. So it's no surprise if no one remembers who I am when I finally kick it.

I'm thinking I should license my stuff for television or commercials. You know, have a modern Holden star in kind of a Dawson's Creek thing. What do you think?

Or how about this for a commercial for my Mac:
When I don't write anything, I don't write it on my MacBook Air. Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, I think I'm going to make some calls. I'm back, baby!"

The I. P. Freely Public Library.

For 85 years, the building which has become the Roxbury Free Library in Vermont has supplied patrons with reading material, but never pooping materials.

To fill that need, library patrons had to use the bathroom at the Roxbury Union Congregational Church. It was a friendly arrangement as "Library patrons always obeyed the Please jiggle my handle after you flush sign." [Sorry, I'm not making and handle jiggling church or priest jokes with that one, but feel free to indulge yourself.]

Both children and adults had to go before they left home or rush next door when necessary. The most famous incident of someone needing the facilities occurred in 1951 when Robert Frost visited the library for a poetry reading. As he recited "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening," he was taken with severe stomach distress which he incorporated into his famous verse:

The woods are lovely and darkly swoop.
Oh, forgive my stomach's loop-de-loop.
But I really need some place to poop.
How many miles before I poop?

The audience in attendance didn't realize that Mr. Frost was asking for the nearest lavatory, but thought he was merely improvising. As they politely applauded, Frost ran out the front door and made use of the darkest evening and the snowy woods and frozen lake nearby to relieve himself.

"Life imitates Art," the local paper reported.

UNC gets $1.1M to help library students.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill’s School of Information and Library Science will receive more than $1.1 million for student scholarships.

The gift will go to the library science school’s Annoyed Librarian Scholarship Fund, named after an Internet blogger who believes that library schools should stop lying to students about all the library positions available to new graduates. That endowment fund gives aid to students who are admitted to the school’s master’s program, but haven't realized they could make much much more money by earning degrees in Marketing or Computer Science. The aid will allow them to abandon their misguided library dreams of booktalks, video games and finger puppets, and learn useful (employable) skills.

It’s the largest gift ever given to the library science school which has been turning out degreed and unemployable, Degradus et Derelictus, the school's official motto, students for over 15 years.

The above unfunny satire is stolen from UNC gets $1.1M for library science scholarships. Triangle Business Journal, November 18, 2008.

Old rich white people gaming at your library.

LISNews reported on a Washington City Paper story about The West End Library in Washington D.C. where many of the library patrons are "older, richer, whiter members of the neighborhood."
To accommodate the older, richer, whter patrons, the West End Library schedules game nights where they play

• Waltz Waltz Revolution (WWR), which is a slower, richer, whiter version of the classic DDR. And they play
• World of WASPcraft, where the older, richer, whiter patrons can rule the lands of 5-star hotels and Swiss banks as a "half-Mage, half-Corporate Litigator" with +9 Intimidation and Unlimited Credit.

Older, richer, whiter library patrons can enjoy game nights as much as teens. As long as the games are tailored to their specific cultural backgrounds.

So if you are not providing these programs, then ask why is your library so insensitive to this group of library user? I say you should embrace the old, rich, white people,... but not too hard because they crumble into dust.

November 13th is Sticky Buns Day.

For today, the Sticky Buns Society asks that each blogger leaves the comment, "Sticky Buns" on another site, any site. Just comment "sticky buns" and nothing more wherever comments are enabled.

[Okay, here is something that just isn't working; it's not funny. I tried to make something from nothing, but no, this post should be cut from the blog. So think of this as a deleted scene, cut from the theatrical presentation but included as a special feature on the DVD.]

The practice derives from the early Boston one-sheet entertainment, Ye Stickie Bun, published from 1771 to 1773 by Maynard T. Foxplume. The paper was named the "sticky bun" as it was similar to the gooey, sweet pastry. The paper was a familiar site throughout the Colonies, as copies were discarded into the streets as quickly as they could be printed.

One of Foxplume's favorite sections was, "Laughing-Out-Loudly Felinz," where Foxplume and others would describe humorous adventures or situations involving a domesticated feline and then summarize the description with clever exclamations as if the cat were speaking the King's English, for example:

"It is to appear as if this black, short-haired feline has been awoken in a disagreeable temperament, as her claws are bared and her mouth agape revealing her sharp teeth as she appears to remark: "DON'T TREAD ON KITTEH!"

Other features of the paper included detailed descriptions of brief appearances of ankles or shoulder of famous ladies of the theater:

"As Young Miss Lindsay exited the coach, the briefest glimpse of milkye-white smoothness between her hairline and right shoulder-blade could be spyed by the passing gentleman as her loosely fitting garments allowed for unobstructed viewing."

Many women of the period found these depictions to be pornographic.

Little is known of Foxplume other than the half-dozen surviving sheets of his publication. But in honor of this great American tabloid journalist, we celebrate November 13 as "Sticky Buns Day."

Open Positions at the.effing.librarian

Great News. The.effing.librarian is hiring full-time positons.

Have you ever wanted to work for the.effing.librarian?

Have you ever thought, "Hey, I'm one-part funny, two-parts librarian, and three-parts awesome"?

Then did you think, "How many parts is that? Because that's six parts of something, and I don't know what standard I'm supposed to use. What if I'm meant to have 100 parts? That leaves me ninety-four parts unknown. Well, now I'm scared. What kind of monster am I?"

If you've asked yourself those questions, then you could live the dream and become a full-time contributor to the.effing.librarian.

• Do you like long hours?
• Do you have $500 to loan the.effing.librarian until he can pay you back?
• Do you have a car? Can you give me a lift while I'm between cars? Really, it's on the way.

There are only 3 requirements:

1. An MLS from an accredited institution.
2. $500.
3. Awesomeness.

Benefits include:

• Health Insurance: sharing my HMO. But you have to pretend to be my spouse. Yes, you have to make it look convincing. Yes, including doing that. I said convincing.
• Unpaid leave.
• An effinglibrarian coffee mug (after completion of six-month probationary period).

Some people say that there aren't any professional library jobs out there (shame on you, girl), but here at the.effing.librarian we say, "Can you make that check out to 'cash'?"

Where do you poo?

In response to sites like MizPee, a general bathroom rating site, and Diaroogle, NYC area only, we at the.effing.librarian have created YaPoo!, a site specifically designed for evaluating and recommending public restroom facilities located in public libraries.

YAPOO! The library toilet search engine.

Enter your pooping needs here, such as "male, just ate Mexican food, needs space to read the paper..."

So far, YaPoo! is only for locating clean bathrooms in North American public libraries, not college and university library bathrooms, because, oh, God, is that even possible?

We hope we can find volunteers to begin evaluating the pooping facilities in other countries. Unless you foreign people don't care where you poop, in which case I will post those countries here as a warning to traveling library users: fyi, Belgium says they don't care.

[original story here.]
And yes, I am kidding, again. And we love Belgium, don't we, guys.

Test preparation services get into social networking

In addition to creating high school aptitude, college prep, and entrance exams for video game platforms,

"two of the country's largest test-prep course providers are pairing with video game companies for the first time, to give students another way to practice for these oft-dreaded exams." [By Barbara Ortutay, Associated Press]

some of the major publishers in the educational study guide market are branching out into producing study guides in combination with social networking sites.

In the past, both Kaplan and Princeton Review have created study guides that "play" within the Sony PSP and Nintendo DS and Apple iPhone, study guides described by one publisher representative as being designed for "complete idiots."

Studying requires concentration, contemplation and understanding, while video games require rote memory of "power ups" and enemy locations. Educational testing is usually a one-shot proposition where the student can only choose one answer per question and does not allow unlimited "continues." Video games often have a "god mode" whereby the player can do no wrong.

So producing study guides that play like video games so they appeal to the average "gamer's" intellect is like giving a monkey a dozen eggs and expecting a souffle. Which is perfect if your definition of souffle is twelve eggs smashed against a wall.

Hence, the next logical level of testing preparation after video games is to combine study aids with social networking software. The addition of the 2.0 component advances study from a solitary endeavor to one that includes whole groups.

The latest testing materials are used entirely online and utilize "answer aggregation" whereby the student submits the study question to the social networking sites and members vote up or vote down the correct answer. Students no longer need to rely on their own knowledge of the subject matter. To date, bother Digg and Facebook have agreed to participate.

With the current emphasis on social networking on the Internet, and with the importance and utility of the Internet expanding every day, these publishers anticipate a future where no answer is simply black and white, right or wrong, but more likely an aggregate of the whims of the crowd at that particular moment.

College and university admissions officers are eager for this new form of testing where there can be no claims of biased testing or socio-economic advantage or disadvantage for students. All correct answers are decided by the group.

Representatives for both Kaplan and Princeton Review and several major universities where not surprised when the latest batch of sample online tests utilizing the social networking model recorded a majority of answers that included variations on the use of the word, "ass." Even when the answers were multiple choice. Somehow "ass" just kept showing up.

Now would I make this up?