did I mention, EFFING UNNECESSARY?

the.effing.librarian has published a FOURTH book.

Holy crap.

Here it is. An effing intimate, effing special, effing unique, effing personal and effing affordable collection.

And it can be all yours for $8.99.

$8.99.

I will be truly offended if you don't buy...mmm... five copies.

Perfunctorily, Me, by the.effing.librarian.
ISBN 978-1453698143

I wouldn't have mentioned it, but it just popped up on Amazon. Did I say it's only $8.99? It's sort of a greatest hits collection.

The Future of Libraries, The Movie!

Early in this blog, I wrote about the future of libraries where librarians use a rectal, temperature-based search tool called The Gerbil to assist library patrons with their catalog searching. I thought, and continue to think, that it's one of my greatest contributions to the world of library research.

I begged anyone out there in any of the internets to produce some live action dramatization of my one-scene mini play. But there have been no takers.

But today I found that I can make an animated movie simply by pasting some text into little boxes at xtranormal.com.

I first made the video with characters that looked more like I imagined them, but when I found out that it would cost me as much as $5.00 to use them, I changed back to the default, free characters.

So, here is my own production of "The Future of Libraries, a pain in the..."

If you see nothing, just click somewhere down there anyway and it should play... or click here for the link to the xtranormal page...

jus' wonderin'

I wonder how many people hear this is a cool site but then are disappointed when they get here.






I know I am.

I don't know what this blog is.

Sometimes I try to explain this blog to others. I use the words "crap" and "library" and "funny," but never in the correct order: funny library crap. So I sort of explain it's about library stuff, or not, that it's sometimes funny, or not.

I'm not much of a salesman.

So I like when I find others who describe my blog for me. I just saw that Miss Julie says my blog, "talks about many of the hot issues in the library world, as well as advocacy and news, but in a completely bitchy and steely way."

It helps when I can see how others see me. Did you ever notice that when you take a picture of yourself in the mirror then view it on your computer, you still need to flip it horizontally to get a better idea of how others see you? Otherwise, you see yourself, but mirror-reversed, and then Evil-Sulu tries to kill you.

So I may never know what this blog is, and maybe I don't want to know. When I was much younger, I was sure I wanted to be a firefighter. I took the firefighter test: I could lift a 125 lb dummy up and onto my shoulder in one smooth clean and jerk motion and then carry it along a 25 ft long, six inch wide beam. I found my way out of a smoke-filled room. I lifted and ran and lifted some more until I didn't want to lift anything heavy ever again. But I never became a firefighter. Years later, I wanted to become a media specialist in a school. I took classes and worked toward my teacher certification and taught in various schools as a substitute teacher. But I never became a media specialist.

I enjoy being the.effing.librarian. But I fear that if I figure out what the.effing.librarian is, and if I try harder to be a better effinglibrarian, then somehow I will lose whatever I have now. So I don't try. I just do. And if that makes sense to you, then I guess I'll keep doing whatever this is. But don't ask me to explain it because I don't know.

Happy Anniversary?

I've been doing this crap for 3 years. How dumb is that?

I guess it's time to put out another book. And the price is going up.

The 'what' librarian? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

It's lonely being the.effing.librarian. I'd like to make friends, but it's hard to meet people with a name like that.

Even when I meet people in person who I've seen online, I don't like bringing up the whole effinglibrarian thing.

But then I want to know if they've heard of me. And so I have to bring it up: "Um, I'm that effing librarian guy, I have a blog... no? I gave President Obama the kiss of life when he appeared to be choking... but he wasn't... you know, his lips taste like strawberries..."

And, of course, nobody knows who I am. Yes, you know me, but I give you all those Chick-fil-A coupons for a free sandwich.

Like, I'm going to be in Orlando for a library thingie this week. And I know that there are about 3 people in Florida who read my blog fairly regularly who could actually be at the same event and just might admit to knowing who I am. But those odds suck. Why would I go around saying, "Hi, I'm the effing librarian," if it will only get me into trouble. The best thing that could happen is that someone just looks off without any glimmer of recognition and says, "Yeah, I'm an effing librarian, too."

Now Marilyn Johnson, author of This Book Is Overdue! will be there, and if you remember, she mentioned this blog in her book (and she likeded it!). Part of me wants her to show my "Should you become a librarian?" flowchart when presents, but another much larger part just fears that it won't get a laugh or that someone will shout out, "the effing librarian sucks!"

To be honest, that person would be me because I love hearing my name, but it's possible it might be some other person, who upon seeing me, would throw a delicious, fruity, sticky beverage in my face for something I wrote about something I won't be able to remember.

Anyway, I probably shouldn't care about being the.effing.librarian. But, so far, I want to keep my fake life as far away from my real life as possible. Especially when I got wrestled away from kissing the President and told the Secret Service agent my name was Joshua Neff.

Help.

Sometimes I wish I knew a way to use my blog to help with... something. But I feel like Fartman (the original Fartman from National Lampoon before Howard Stern appropriated it) who uses his farts to fight crime and help people. But Fartman hides his awesome fart powers from everyone because, really, wouldn't you?

The.effing.librarian is like that, but without all that flatulence. Mostly without. He has awesome powers, but must keep his true identity secret. So that limits his effectiveness. His true identity is not nearly as awesome, but it's the one that has a paying job. Really, would you support some cause because the.effing.librarian asked you?

My first try at library advocacy and publicity was my petition to convince Hugh Hefner to make a librarian the Playmate of the Month in Playboy magazine. I realized at the time it wouldn't work because most librarians are past that 18-22 year-old prime aging that Hef seems to prefer for his centerfolds. And I failed, since Playboy said No, and no one was ever inspired to publish a magazine called LILF Monthly.

There are so many cities, counties and even states where libraries are in danger of closing their doors. And I don't know if there's anything I can do. Yeah, I can join a Facebook group, but what does that mean? Doesn't that just enforce the idea that if it's not on Facebook, then it doesn't matter? Or if my group only has 1,000 members and yours has 2,000, then my group sucks?

Now Apple wants to patent something about geographic ad hoc social networking, like that's something new. It used to be called a radio call-in show. Some radio DJ talks about something and anyone within the geographic area of his broadcast signal calls in and asks questions or gives his opinion. But then the Internet made social networking global, so now everyone thinks it's something new to bring it down to the local. So if in the future we want to build a local support group through the GPS on our phones we'll need Apple's permission: great.

But what about Facebook? I just looked for some group maybe called Save My Florida Library and I found something called "Save the Libraries Florida" which isn't a great name for a group or even grammatically correct, but at least it does what it should by listing all the State Representative contact info and outlining the problem with library funding in Florida. The group has only 18 members now. But other than joining a group, how can I help? The Facebook ad on the right side of the page wants me to buy a "heart candle," would that help?

As it is now, I try to help with my true identity, since he's the guy with all that fat library money. If I see a cause that gets my attention, I send a little bit of money.

And the.effing.librarian is just here to make my life suck a little bit less. And that helps.

2009: the effing year in review.

So it looks like I'm still doing this. This blogging thing. Back in April, I published my second collection of effing librarian wisdom, METAL ASS, and swore that I would quit, that I'd said all that I had to say on pretty much any topic I could imagine. I gave away a couple of books and one smart-ass book winner put his copy up for sale at twice the retail price, $1,999.

And on May 1, 2009, I said goodbye. I quit. For reals.

I claimed I got a job writing a show for Fox called Love Shaft where each episode found two strangers trapped on an elevator, and we get to see just how long it takes for one to kill and eat the other. (Hey, I said it was on Fox.)

And I was even going to delete this blog. I exported all the posts to another blog as an archive, the effing library. But then I didn't delete it. I chickened out.

And little by little, I continued to post horrible, unfunny stuff that should amuse no one but me, but for some reason, continued to entertain the nine of you who keep returning.

And now I'm up to 115 posts since I quit. At this rate, by April, I'll need to publish another book that I will give to my friends who will smile nervously and promise to read it, but who will quietly slide it under the short leg of that wobbly table out on the patio and then tell me they dropped it in the toilet from laughing so hard while reading it. And I'll believe them. As I always do, never questioning why they were reading my book on the toilet, which is gross.

So anyway, that's been my 2009. It seemed to go by so fast.

Oh, and I may have gotten married and had some babies, but that's not important. (Just kidding. Maybe next year.)

What Tiger Woods and the.effing.librarian have in common

If I told you my real name, you'd slap yourself from the shock at the sudden recognition. I was very famous a long time ago. If you remember anything from the Seventies, you remember me.

I was happily married with a beautiful daughter. But then tragedy. On the set of Fantasy Island, two actresses with whom I'd been having affairs, shared notes and realized that they were both sleeping with me. And in the days that followed, several other actresses from that show and shows like The Love Boat, shows with large pools of beautiful women used for background and minor speaking roles, all had women who came forward to say that I was unfaithful to my wife with them. And in the ensuing media firestorm and scandal, I disappeared from public view.

But what nobody knows is this real truth.

It was all an act. I paid each of those women to say that we'd had an affair. And if you look closely at the photographs of my "family" in all those tabloids, you might recognize that the role of my wife was played expertly by the actress Karen Valentine and my daughter was played by a young Alyssa Milano.

I don't think you normal, noncelebrity people can understand the strains of being under the media microscope. But I understand what Tiger feels. We are compadres.

I couldn't take the pressure that's inextricably tied to the fame. And I left that world and went to library school, my true lifelong passion. After my time in Tibet, of course. Even under the flash of paparazzi cameras on the red carpet or escorting Sonia Braga to those awards shows in Italy or even when I won the silver at the Winter Olympics at Innsbruck, Austria, I'd always wanted to be a librarian.

So don't be so hard on Tiger. In a few years, even he may be sitting at the desk of your local public library, answering questions, or giving a bookmark to your kid, or even performing a puppet show with his hand up a duck.

But if that happens, and I'm pretty sure it will, what he doesn't know is that the fame he had when he was a golfer is nowhere near the attention he'll get when he becomes a librarian. Hoo-wee. I can barely make it out of the Piggly Wiggly from all the autographs I sign (meaning, tomatoes I dodge -- sigh).

Library blog?

I wish this were a library blog. I wish I could remain focused and refrain from posting about "wieners" and "farts."

But I never wanted to write a library blog. I just want to write about crap that amuses me.

And I'm only a librarian because my skills led me here. If I knew that my talents would make me a good kangaroo poacher or Republican Senator, then that's what I would be.

But I can find shit real good. I'm a searcher and a finder, a hunter-gatherer. I'm good with print and electronic tools and I can present my findings clearly to assist others.

But I'm not organized. So this blog is a mess. And that's why I will never be voted as one of the LISNews Favorite Blogs of the Year.

No, I'm not asking you to nominate me. I tried that in 2007 and you took my Crown of Awesome away for 30 days.

I'm just saying, it ain't gonna happen for me. Just in case you're one of the few who think it should.

because no one asked for it.

this doesn't look as funny in execution as it did when I thunk it (the tiny word is "work"):

Google, please stop screwing with the effing librarian...

I write a blog. It's not a very good blog. You know this because you've read it. So why does Google continue to treat my blog like it's something special?

Look at these search results, according to Sitemeter, for a search that linked to my blog yesterday for the words "the graveyard book silas vampire":


Out of 1,250,000 results, why does my blog come up second?

It's like how sometimes when I feel unloved and I search for me and Google will say something like, "Results 1 - 10 of about 147,000 for effinglibrarian."

And I say, there's no freaking way that effinglibrarian appears 147,000 times on the Internet. I know I've tried to get my name known, but I only type about twenty words a minute, so I don't know how I could get 147,000 effinglibrarians out there on all the internets without a million monkeys helping me type.

I think the answer is that Google is testing a new algorithm that identifies each of us and periodically returns search results tailored to what it thinks we expect to find.

Do a search for yourself one day and Google will use its standard search algorithm to find standard results. But do that same search a different day, and Google will run its special beta algorithm and return results that it thinks you want. Then it looks to see what you do next. If you click on page after page of results, it assumes you, the person, are somehow related to those results since you read through more of them than a casual searcher might. And Google learns from this and becomes smarter.

Well, anything we can do to make Google more powerful, I guess is good for all of us in the long run.

Unrelated.
I want to see someone write an updated Fahrenheit 451 where the Internet is forbidden and instead of characters memorizing books, they memorize search results. So the character who memorizes a search for me will say, "Results one through ten of about one hundred forty-seven thousand for effinglibrarian. One: the.effing.librarian. Effinglibrarian dot blogspot dot com. Two: effinglibrarian on Technorati..."

Needless to say, I want to be the guy who memorizes the search results for "boobs." Especially the image results. I guess I should get started now.

Collect them all.

Now, where the hell is that site where I made this thing? I keep finding Librarian Trading Cards, but where is the card generator? I didn't make this in Flickr; there was an online card generator somewhere... dang... OK! found it: Trading Card. (thanks, Library Trainer.)

Library 101 video

Libraryman wants your photos on Flickr holding a huge 1 and/or 0 to represent "Library 101."

I'm not sure if "you" represent the first 1 or the second in "101," the other photos on Flickr are all combinations of ones and zeroes, but here's my contribution (the image is from my Twitter account-avatar-thingy):

How the.effing.librarian can save the world's economies.

I noticed yesterday that someone is selling a copy of my book, Fame and Fortune and Other F Words on Amazon for $1,999.99.

"$1,999.99 + $3.99 shipping Condition: New. Seller: empower45. Rating: 96% positive over the past 12 months (23 ratings.) 53 lifetime ratings.Shipping: In Stock. Ships from NC, United States. See Shipping Rates. See return policy. Comments: Excellent !"

That's incredible because new copies are available for ONLY $1,000. That's almost a 100% return over the original investment! Purchase this book and you can double your money!!!

So it appears that the purchase of this book is not just a waste of hard-earned money, but also a questionable financial investment since it relies entirely on one's gullibility, ignorance and greed. Who would buy a pre-owned copy when a new copy is cheaper? Books written by the.effing.librarian are available through print-on-demand publishing right now. But that also means that no copies are printed until one is ordered, so as far as being in print, there are actually only very few print copies in existence.

So it seems that maybe some shrewd investor is stockpiling works by the.effing.librarian, attempting to corner the market. Maybe he knows something about a future wood pulp shortage. Or maybe he's seen a vision of the.effing.librarian being eaten by a bear. Either way, it looks like investing in copies of my books could be a way for investors and even governments to rebuild their economic portfolios.

If each copy of my book currently in print could change hands, doubling in value with each exchange, then by the time, say, Iceland bought a copy, the book could be worth $2,097,141,514.24.

That's awesome! That could really help Iceland with their economic troubles. Imagine all the jobs this could create... umm,... yeah, I'm not really clear on that.

Now if only I could get the World Bank or the G8 to recognize this powerful global economy-rebuilding resource, we could all win. Especially me.

the.effing.librarian is BACK, baby!

Yeah, what do you care.

All the excuses I have for quitting the blog are still here, but I need some outlet for... you know, stuff. There is so much going on in the library world and there are few avenues to comment: I have my twitter account, but limiting my thoughts to 140 characters isn't fun. Sure, you can still be clever on twitter, but it's not really worth the effort. Most twittererers just retweet or point to other links anyway. Movie stars might be worth following, but I'm not following one of them until they follow me first. "Some of the movies you guys make really suck, so you owe me."

Speaking of sucking, one of the reasons I'd like to come back is that someone said that the.effing.librarian sucks. Yeah, can you believe it?
(yeah, why did it take so long for anyone to notice?)

But I was mildly affronted. And since it happened on the Annoyed Librarian's blog, I felt like I didn't have any real place to defend myself. Whereas, on my own blog, when someone says I suck, I can fight back by deleting the message, crying, and then eating a whole package of Oreos. And then crying some more.

And it was weird to have some random person just strike out to say I suck at some neutral location on the web and not here or at LISNews where I do all my sucking. I've only been told I suck about two-thousand four-hundred and twelve times in my life, but this time really hurt.

So, I'm going to continue blogging. Occasionally. Like on weekends. And during my lunch break. And at night. And from my netbook at the mall. And when I'm drunk. So pretty much just like before.

Okay, I'm just kidding. I'm not back; I was just bored. Why would I come back in the summer? It's too damn hot.

The Effing Librarian blog is now CLOSED.

This blog closed on May 1, 2009, but feel free to read from "all the old crap" or purchase paper copies of my blobogoks*

1. Fame and Fortune and Other F Words
   
2. METAL ASS

*a blobogok is my preferred term for a "blog book." why? because it's a funny word.

you can also find the books on Amazon, but I earn less if you buy from there.. but you can get free shipping if you buy enough, so the choice is yours... you probably need free shipping more than I need the $3.00.

if you need to contact the.effing.librarian, use your noodle and guess my email address... no, that's not it... try harder: use your other noodle...

The Effing Librarian Exists.

It's one thing to call oneself the.effing.librarian, but to have another acknowledge the name and use it, is pretty okay. "Good morning, the.effing.librarian," my girlfriend says cheerfully. "Pass me the butter, the.effing.librarian." "I swear, the.effing.librarian, I'm going to kill myself if you don't drop that ridiculous name."

"No, I'm not calling you that," is what I expect to hear from her, particularly when I demand to be called Lord Flatulo, when I'm full of farts. I think it's the cape that really bothers her.

So when John Kelly of The Washington Post used it in a follow-up to his column, It's a Plot, I Tell You! (By John Kelly, April 7, 2009), it made me feel a little better about my name.

I mean, I like my name, and I know you love my name (...except for that one of you who expected me to be called "The Fucking Librarian" -- which, by the way, is the title of the musical theater script I currently have waiting in the "to read when Hell freezes" pile at Amy Adams's agent's office).

But anyway, I emailed John with my comment on his column about the disappearance of library date due stamps and how he felt it was a plot for libraries to collect more money in late fees when he couldn't remember when to return his books. He seemed to be inviting commentary, so I sent him some. And he followed up today with the suggestions he'd collected from concerned readers, "Okay, So End of Library Stamps Isn't the End of the World," [Wednesday, April 8, 2009; Page B03].

I think you need to be registered to read it, so I will reproduce it here:

Finally, a Florida librarian and blogger -- who goes by the online name The Effing Librarian -- wrote: "The plot is to accelerate senility by outsourcing your memory to a computer. The old date stamp sparked thought as you wondered who had the book last or why there was a nine-year gap between those last two borrowers. The date stamp was a link to history. But a paper receipt, or even no receipt, is just more crap to find a place for because it doesn't belong anywhere; the receipt doesn't even make a good bookmark, it's so small and flimsy."

The plot, TEL wrote, is to give Google unlimited power. "Because you won't remember your PIN or even the library Web address. So you'll Google it -- 'when are my library books due back?' -- and Google will show you ads for Amazon's Kindle."

So, again, pretty cool,... now that I've decided to give up being the.effing.librarian. Forever. Or until I can find a way to make money from it, like Joss Whedon did when he revived the idea for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer several years after the movie came out.

Now, I don't see Kelly's column in NewsBank, yet, but there is evidence that this should be in the actual paper, so as soon as we get it at the library, I'll be sure to tear it out so I'll have it forever.

Oh, I meant, copy it. Tear it out... we librarians never admit to that in public.

Me < Cool

So one of the kids comes up to me and asks if that's an earring in my ear, and then he laughs a little. Like he thought, look at the old dude with the earring.

But I got my ear pierced over 30 years ago, I thought, before that kid was even born. 30 years ago. Damn.

That was the first time I did anything cool. We went to Carlos' house and mixed booze and whatever we could find in the blender: fruit cocktail, frozen yogurt bars, whatever. And Carlos brought out the dissecting needle that he took from school and all the guys pierced their ears. We borrowed earrings from the girls until the holes healed and we could get our own.

Everything I've done since, the Loverboy headband, the Sex Pistols safety pins, the Bon Jovi hair cut, the David Bowie leg wax, the David Lee Roth chest wax, the Ani DiFranco nose ring, the Michael Jackson nose job, the Tori Amos hair color, the Axl Rose cornrows, have all been an attempt to recapture that tiny, fleeting moment of coolness.

That year I first got my ear pierced, I was cool. It's been downhill ever since.

The $1,000.00 book.

BOOK UPDATE!

Due to underwhelming demand, Fame and Fortune and Other F Words is now priced at $1,000!

Your eyes did not lie. That's one THOUSAND dollars. (Yes, U.S. dollars.)

If you didn't want to buy it before, you, for damn sure, wouldn't want to buy it now.

But no matter, the $1,000 edition isn't for you, anyway. The $1,000 edition is only for those who demand to pay as much as possible for ordinary items. It's for people who purchased the $1,000 iPhone app, "I Am Rich." It's for people who tip the valet $100. It's for people who floss.

So, no, the $1,000 edition of Fame and Fortune and Other F Words is not for you. I thought it was for you, so I priced it accordingly, but now I realize I was wrong. The $1,000 edition is for people who absolutely need to spend $1,000 for a paperback book.

So if you can afford it, if you're good enough, if you're classy enough, if you're special enough, buy it.


[Otherwise, email me and I'll still send you the PDF for free, 'cause we're stickin' it to the Man.]