The sun will come out.... tomorrow...

I don't know what to do about libraries. On the one hand, libraries are still doing some amazing things, but on the other, libraries are cutting staff to continue doing it.

Librarians have lost their jobs, but the business of libraries goes on. Is it enough to advocate for libraries while accepting the loss of librarians?

Librarians are professionals. We organize data and materials into useful collections. We archive that data for current and future library users. We attempt to establish some cataloging authority so that person A and person B can find information regardless of how they begin their search.

We don't put all the Education books in the front of the library in August and then move them to the back in October just because more people might want them when school begins. A book store might do this, but libraries don't. The books remain where they belong so that anyone can find them whenever they might choose to look.

But does anyone care that we do this? Some cities have thousands of restaurants, so they require lots of chefs to prepare the cuisine, but some places only have fast food joints, so any kid can drop the fries into hot oil. Maybe librarians need to get away from those places that only want to eat fries. But is all that fast food really good for you?

I believe that conditions will improve. I believe that libraries will become stronger. But I'm not so sure that stronger libraries will guarantee that more librarians will find more of those dream jobs. Or any job that requires their expertise.

The problem with being a librarian is that you can't really do it yourself. You can't open a private library down the street as you would if you were a dentist or an accountant. I don't know any librarian with a business card that reads, "Have Books, Will Travel."

Or maybe the librarian travels from town to town with a laptop performing Internet searches for people in exchange for a night in the barn and a slice of peach pie. And that's how we'll survive, leaving librarian chalk signs for each other about which towns are librarian friendly and which ones google everything and will run you out of town on sight.

My first clue that something could be wrong with the profession came in library school when I learned about the "give 'em what they want" philosophy. My thought was, if all I have to do is give people what they want, then why the hell am I learning all this crap and getting this degree?

The profession seems to be sinking. Maybe not the whole profession, but research and archiving and cataloging and acquisitions parts. There will probably always be a place for Children's librarians. But for everyone else, the conventions are still going where some celebrity tell a heart-warming story about a childhood love of books, and some futurist says that librarians need to evolve to survive and we applaud and cheer without realizing that 99 percent of evolution involves extinction.

It's like we're on the Titanic and we're trying to keep the people left on board, the ones without access to a life boat, entertained while the ship is going down:

I spy with my little eye... something that begins with W.

Is it water?

Yes. But don't just jump in with the answer like that. Ask a question. String it out a little.

Okay, next one. I spy with my little eye... something that begins with I.

Is it iceberg?

I get depressed when so many people seem to associate quality libraries with an extensive book collection, and not so many people mention how important the librarian is to that collection. It's like everyone feels that they can just do it themselves.

So I value my library degree. If libraries continue to hire librarians based on that sheet of paper, then at least that cuts the pool of job applicants down somewhat.

I think most people would agree that librarians have skills, but they probably wouldn't agree on just how important those skills are. Maybe I'm like some awesome cooper. How many barrels does anyone really need?

So to all the librarians still looking, I think things will get better. But since I have a job, I guess I have the luxury of feeling that way. But on the bright side, people are not getting smarter. They fall for the most obvious scams on Facebook and give out their personal information after clicking on those PayPal account verification emails. So they need us. They don't want us for what we've been trained to do, but they need us to help them when they fuck up. Which they will, daily.

But I will keep you in my thoughts and whenever I have to make decisions that could endanger the librarian's future in the profession, like the one I'm making now about hiring some robots to replace our librarians, I will do everything in my power to argue for the human librarian.

But, man, those robots are so awesome and they don't ever take breaks.

Why we (probably) won't have a Semantic Web.

Librarians make the assumption that because we are smart and know how to categorize and organize information that others will follow our recommendations.

But we see that book stores don't when they group their products under large, nebulous categories.

And Google doesn't, when it returns results based on algorithms optimized for displaying ads.

Librarians think that all metadata are equal. That "sex" is equal to "love" because they are just terms to classify content. But no two terms are ever equal. Metadata have meanings that are timely or momentarily popular or specific.

So librarians ask questions to establish intent.

INTENT.

"The entertainment system was belting out the Beatles' 'We Can Work It Out' when the phone rang. When Pete answered, his phone turned the sound down by sending a message to all the other local devices that had a volume control."

[The Semantic Web by Tim Berners-Lee, James Hendler and Ora Lassila]

Why did Pete's phone send a message to turn down the volume? What if it were Pete's boss calling to tell him to work Saturday? Would the phone understand to send a message to play the "Ferris Bueller" sneezing and coughing audio files?

My point is that our understanding of the purpose of the Web is wrong. And our understanding of machines is wrong. Just as our understanding of other people is wrong.

We can't possibly know the purpose of the Internet. First, we didn't make it. Second, it was designed with only one purpose, to make access to data easier.

But now we want to control that data flow. We want to tell the internet that different data have different values to us through metadata. And the only way we can do that, from my understanding of the internet, would be to insert such massive amounts of metadata into the web that we would end up creating a second internet. One made up entirely of metadata.

This second internet would act as checksum data to compare to the internet to calculate and verify the user's intent. To understand.

This second internet would contain all the metadata needed for machines to understand humans. Yes, I said it would be huge.

But I don't see that. Of course, I wouldn't see it if it existed. I would be invisible. So what I see is an internet evolving into something that looks like a semantic web, but is only a more accurately fine-tuned commercial web. The web is getting better at selling me things. It doesn't really know what I want, so it gives me what others seem to have wanted.

I can see that the internet is trying. I can see that we are trying. There are frameworks for attempting to have the internet understand us. And to have machines understand us.

In fact, there might even need to be a third internet made up purely of rules, policies and vocabularies which massage the metadata into accuracy of intent.

But to build this, one must understand what humans think. But since humans communicate with machines so much differently than how they communicate with each other, what humans think when they interact with other humans or machines changes.

In the example at the top, Pete might think that he wants to talk to the person on the phone, so the phone communicates his intent to the stereo. But if Pete doesn't want to talk to the person on the phone, the phone communicates a different message to different machines. How is the phone to know? Without asking questions? Oh, it listens in on our conversations. Did we say it could?

Love your librarian: Me.

This will be the third year that I will nominate myself for the "I Love My Librarian" award. And this time I expect to win.

I think my problem with my previous applications began with the severe limitations within the very first box:

1. Please tell us in 2-3 sentences why your nominee should win this award. What sets him/her apart? (Response limited to 100 words)

100 words? Is this the, I Love My Twitter Librarian Award?

How can I lie about my accomplishments using only 100 words? Maybe if they were really big words. But how do I work in "antidisestablishmentarianism" to answer that question? And what the hell does that word have to do with librarians anyway? Unless I can redefine it to mean the opposition to the disestablishment of public libraries. That could work. Paste that baby in 40 or 50 times and I'm sure to win.

But now that I read the guidelines for nominations, I'm not so sure I'll nominate myself after all. Because I don't understand this part:

I am a librarian/work in a library. Can I nominate my colleague?
In the spirit of this unique award and in honoring the relationship between library users and librarians, only library users should submit nominations.

I never realized that librarians could not be library users. There is a discussion going on at LISNews as to whether convicted sex offenders should be allowed to use public libraries, but I never considered whether librarians should be allowed to use public libraries.

As a librarian, I wonder if I need to tell someone that I've been using the library. If only I'd paid attention in library school, I bet they covered that part in class.

I can't force you to buy my book...

but hypnokitteh can.



Check the image of the cover over there on the right. But don't read the message under it because that's meant for the cheap bastards, not you. You are thoughtful and generous and not at all cheap.

The bastard part I'm not sure about because I've heard some stuff. On Twitter. But I'm sure it's all lies.

I need to check with Dennie Heye and Walt Crawford to find if any of their books sell.

(you have no idea how long it took me to figure out how to make the eyes do that... 5 years.)

Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 4

I gots nuthin. And I don't have any plans to write anything anytime soon. So here is a link to 85 Reasons to be Thankful for Librarians.

And Ian Dury and the Blockheads performed "Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3" in case you are so unhip you didn't know.

Are Librarians Too Sexy?

From many of the comments on the previous post, you think they are. Some of you either see yourselves as too sexy or find your coworkers to be too sexy.

I was hoping someone would declare a Sexy Librarian Day. I don't know what day. Maybe you could pick the birthday of an actor or actress who played a sexy librarian in a movie, like Rene Russo, Rachel Weisz or Noah Wyle, or use Dewey number for sex, so 3-06? And then tweet it or Facebook it or something. It's not like you have jobs.

But clearly, many of you got sex on the noggin. Is this what you think all day?

She holds that No. 2 pencil gingerly between her slender fingers. The eraser enters her mouth past her full lips while she absentmindedly nibbles on the soft pink tip. She glances up from her retro tortoise shell eyeglasses, her green eyes gaze cat-like as if she looks right through me. I feel a stiffening in my body as she draws in that deep breath which raises the swelling of her chest past the top of her open blouse. She slides the pencil out of her mouth very slowly, as if it aches to remove it. "I'm so sorry, that's out, but.." and she smiles as she says this, "I can hold it for you. I can hold it wherever you want to get it."

I can't believe that's what you think about all day. You people are sick. Get your mind out of the gutter and go weed the 005s.

Are Librarians Too Ugly?

Above: the portrait of a librarian.

Newsweek is running a story, "The Beauty Advantage" and Bitch Magazine had a story "from the library" about images of librarians in movies, and that had me wonder if librarians are just too damn ugly.

Below: the portrait of every woman who is not a librarian.


Now, notice that I don't ask if librarians are ugly. Because we might be. I form that conclusion because of the cats. If you have more feline companions than you have human companions, then maybe I'm talking about you.

But I'm wondering if we're too ugly. I wonder why people don't seem to respect our profession -- why not? because of how we look? Beautiful people seem to get everything, the best jobs, the best lovers, the best treatment. Television is filled with both naturally and artificially created beauties.

Librarians are always told to look good on paper, that it's what's inside that matters, but Newsweek tells us we should just have big tits.

So let's assume that we're not hot. When budgets get cut, librarians lose jobs. But the hot firemen and hot cops keep their jobs. Yeah, you convince yourself it's about public safety, but maybe it's really because we have asses like Pilates balls.

So assuming I make even the tiniest of valid arguments, what should librarians do? Do we need better health benefits that pay for chin lifts and tummy tucks? Do we need to start a "Ban the Bun" movement?

What if this is true? What if the world sees us as George Bailey finds Mary in his alternate reality, a dried up spinster and library caretaker?

But look at those Before (below) and After (above) pictures; that's still the same actress, Donna Reed playing Mary.

Sure, she's an eyesore in the Above picture, but look what a little hair brushing and lipstick can do in the Below picture.

So maybe we should have a Hot Librarian Day... where we make a little more effort to look good. Guys can trim that chin fuzz they call a beard, get a hair cut and wear a tie. And women can hit the Aveda for some make-up and maybe wear heels. And maybe, just for once, we can collectively look good, not totally hot, but on average, decent.

And if that isn't possible, maybe we can just call in sick to keep the average up.

Marilyn Johnson: Ditto.

"I hope you'll take a few minutes to read through this chatty Q&A with Marilyn Johnson, champion to librarians everywhere and super-author of This Book is Overdue!"

A Champion to Librarians Everywhere.

I totally agree.

The Quiet Librarian.

I wanted to find the earliest reference I could find (with an easy search) about librarian stereotypes, like quiet, bookish, shushing, etc. and ended up finding some other stuff that made me glad I looked:

For example, there was a National Conference of Librarians. From the NYT, September 16, 1853.

"The tastes of Librarians were of too quiet a turn to enter upon long addresses and he [Professor C.C. Jewett, the Smithsonian Institution] hoped they would have a quiet, dignified, informal, social, genial conference together."

But in the same story, there's also some freaky crap about, "Too many bad books make their stealthy advances that need to tracked to their dens even as the pestilence that walketh in darkness needs to be hunted to its hiding place."

Yeah, hunting pestilence is pretty genial stuff.

And what's pretty cool is that this was before any standardized anything. Most libraries with smaller collections just arranged the book on the shelves in alphabetical order.

The President presented the members with some copies of the "Smithsonian Calalogue System," printed under his direction, requesting that they look it over, as he intended to make the system the subject of some remarks. The system embraces two plans:
1. A plan for stereotyping catalogues of libraries by separate titles, in uniform style,
2. A set of general rules, to be recommended for adoption by the different libraries of the United States, in the preparation of their catalogues.

I'd never even heard of the Smithsonian Catalogue System. Did it lose a fight with the Dewey Decimal Classification system?

Another goal of the convention was to create a

Library Manual, which shall embody the most important information:
1. The best organization of a Library Society, in regard to its officers, laws, funds, and general regulations
2. The best plans for Library edifices...
3. The most approved method for making out and printing library catalogues
4. The most desirable principle to be followed in the selection and purchase of books

And the most interesting find was that the Librarians at the Convention had their lunch choice of either baked chicken or vegetarian lasagna. Wow. That never changes.

From the Reading Eagle, Oct. 15, 1941, I learned that libraries have been, at times, loud:

You know how libraries are. About like church. Whisper loud and you get shushed by ten old gents reading movie fan magazines. Small wonder I started to call the cops when I heard fox trot music coming from our great main library at Fifth Avenue and 42nd Street a few nights back! Sacrilege! But when I poked in I found a dance going on in the sacred main hall-- a merry-making farewell to four library veterans, including Miss Anne Carroll Moore, long head of the library's work with children. It was a very nice party indeed. Next morning the big place was all dignity again.

And from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette - Sep 16, 1948, Librarians Must Know More Than How to Say "Shhh"

If most people were asked what qualifications are necessary for a librarian, probably most of them would say a soft voice with which to say "Shhh."

This story is about the Carnegie Library School with 24 students where the associate director said, "we could place five times that many" every year. Some of the students are men attracted by the new courses in science and technology. I don't have any idea what 1948 library technology might be. And I don't even have a joke.

From the San Jose News - Oct 26, 1943, I find that the librarian was already tired of shushing:

"We simply refuse to shush [the children] all the time, [Mrs. Gertrude Jansens, children's librarian] adds."

"Librarians today are utterly different from yesterday's bookworm."

Yesterday's?? So librarians have been fighting the stereotypical librarian image for over 60 years? So I'm guessing that people will always have that image regardless of my many eyebrow, lip and nipple piercings.

So how do these stereotypes persist? Are librarians, themselves, perpetuating this image? Is the uncool, unhip image something we maintain, by desire? If so, what is the goal?

Maybe we appreciate the stereotype because any advance we make in fashion will seem huge. Or maybe the pendulum swings regularly from librarian unhipness to hipness and it's an ongoing cycle, like caterpillar to butterfly.

Maybe it keeps us interesting. It keeps everyone guessing about us. If so, that's kinda cool.

Librarianship is PEOPLE!

"Soylent Green is people." Oh, Chuck Heston, is there nothing we can't learn about libraries from you?

There are many people who have predicted, and continue to predict, the end of libraries. They have their reasons, from the Internet to the Internet, to the Internet. There is always some new thing happening on the Internet that will kill all the libraries. Google does this. Apple does that. Facebook is doing something and Twitter is doing something else.

But as our friend Chuck says, "it's People." (The Soylent Green stuff was just to get your attention.)



People. People. People. People. People.People. PeoplePeoplePeople. People.People. PeoplePeoplePeople. People.People. P e o p l e. PeoplePeoplePeople. People.People. PeoplePeoplePeople. PeoplePeoplePeople. PeoplePeoplePeople. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. P e o p l e.

Until some technology arrives that eliminates the need for people, there will still be a place for librarians. As long as there are people, there will be those who are helpless or frustrated or stupid or lonely or needy or curious or lazy or bored or eager or unwilling or mad. And librarians serve them.

Librarianship is a service. We take all the shit that's too new or complicated for you to figure out and we figure it for you. When people say that this or that thing will be the death of libraries, maybe those people don't understand what the fuck it is we do. Or maybe they have a different view of people, that people will jack into their brainboxes and never leave their homes, which is always possibility, I guess.

But I don't see anything that currently exists or that will exist in the next ten years to make libraries go away. If the public libraries fail because we stop funding them, then some other company will buy the properties and the equipment and set up private libraries. Yes, that would be terrible, but libraries would still exist and librarians could still perform their jobs. Although when you pay me less money, I'm a lot less helpful.

But when people are replaced by robots, then we're screwed.

Okay, I'm going back to library school.

I wonder if these women don't mind a really really old dude. But not any dude, me! That makes a big difference, huh. When I first saw the link to this video, I thought, This is going to be crap. But no, not crap at all.

"Students and faculty from the University of Washington's Information School get their groove on." (Not my description. Right off the video.)

Hello, ladies, I'm the.effing.librarian. Can I buy you some correction fluid? An eyeglass repair kit? Dr. Scholl's insoles? Oh, my.

Another reason Why Librarians Are Awesome.

I should call this, "Why you ebook reading bastards have killed the Hood River County Library." Because their library is going to close forever due to reduced revenue from "radically decreased timber sales." So all you non-print-buying ebook readers have killed this library!

But I don't know how timber sales in Oregon are affected by electronic publishing, so I didn't go there.

Here is what they say was happening:

The County in 2010 so far has already cut the library’s budget by 30%. Each staff position has been cut 20%. Open hours cut 40%. The book budget has essentially been reduced to zero.

The proposed district, if approved, will restore these cuts as of July 1, 2010, and ultimately provide money to grow the library collection, provide more services for young families, enhance the available technology services, and guarantee stable funding for the future.

But the voters didn't pass the district measure. A quick check for properties in that area shows that many houses are in the $400,000 range, so maybe the poor folks couldn't afford the $220 a year it would cost (my guess) to keep their libraries open. But now the three libraries will close on July 1st.

So here is what makes the Hood River County librarians awesome: "Although the Library is closing July 1st, there’s still lots of Summer Reading fun to be had in June. Stop in and receive a free book if you pledge to continue reading all summer. Story times will continue through June 30th."

Yes, the same June 30th that is the day before they close all the libraries. So I can't believe that anyone would still want to, or would still be able to perform their usual library duties.

I don't know how I'd be able to do my "Itsy Bitsy Story Time" on June 30th with my sore throat... from shouting at every person I met, "You didn't vote for the library, F**K YOU!!! I will burn down your f**king four-hundred-thousand dollar houses, you motherf**kers!" (edited for the children.)

Or maybe I could save my voice from getting hoarse if I could get the bumper stickers printed up fast enough. That should keep me rested up for all the kiddies.

How many stickers should I put you down for?

What to expect when you retire from the library...

True headline: "End of a 'storied' career: Spring Lake librarian Ann Rivecca checks out of her job."

Wow, two library/book cliches packed in that one. And this is what we have to look forward to after 10 or 20 or (God forbid) 30 years at the same job.

I hope to die in the fiery explosion that results from trying to download an Android app onto my iPhone.

Whenever Gizmodo opens the latest iPhone and asks, "What's that chip? It must me some propriety Apple chip," what they neglect to notice is that the "chip" is actually a wafer of high explosive, enough to blow your "librarian" glasses right off your face.

So let's assume you're already retired and let's get this over with now. Just fill in the blanks and keep this handy for the inevitable painfully-worded press release:

After [insert number here] years at the [insert library here], [insert your name here] is calling it a day and locking the drop box for good.

I'm Seriesous. You'll bee nTitled to cheer when the Subject of this story says she/he loves Authors and that her/his Keyword is Books.

She/He ends this chapter and closes the book on this library job. She/He discards these responsibilities and leaves them on the cart for others to reshelve.

And that about covers it. Oh, and the drop box will be open again tomorrow. I just meant that figuratively. But [insert your name here] won't be here; she/he was fired for selling all the personal information from your library card applications to identity thieves.

Where's the app for this?

From the Seattle Times:

Rave: For Seattle Public Library librarians. At the Wallingford Library my 3-year-old and I recounted the story from a book whose title we couldn't remember. The librarian didn't know, but she got us on the phone to the specialist at the Lake City Library, who listened to our story and said she'd try to find out. Within 30 minutes she called with the title and told me she requested it sent to our local branch. Thank you, Nancy and Elizabeth and all the librarians; you rock!

So there's an app (or several) that lets you hold your phone up to any song to find out what it is, but where is the app that let's you describe a book in your usual vague terms like, it had a man on the cover who was holding fire in his hand and it was brown and one of the warrior was Shandor or Totan and it was about how to buys homes in a down market or wind surfing or magical rings, but it was really good?

In this case, the app was called the librarian.

Now when I watch TV and I see a doctor or lawyer, and I listen to what is happening, more and more, I hear the hidden librarian in each situation.

The doctor says to the patient, "You mentioned your symptoms and we ran some tests, and based on those results I can suggest several treatment options": Librarian.

The attorney says to the client, "I've heard the facts and I think we have a case. But there are a few things you will need to do": Librarian.

Doctors and lawyers don't seem to work magic anymore. If you have enough money or can stay alive long enough, they just might be able to help. These modern professionals don't even have absolute answers. They require lots of feedback to perform.

So like doctors or lawyers, librarians are professionals, but since we never demand huge sums of money for our services, our profession lacks the respect associated with them. We also don't keep your ass out of jail or save your life from cancer. But we'll get you first available copy of The Help, as long as another librarian doesn't want it first and bumps you from the top of the list.

Otherwise, exactly the same. Exactly.

Library Champions.

Bloggers who champion innovative, untested library services piss me off.

I hate people who have ideas to use a new thing and tell the rest of us what a "game-changer" that new thing would be, but yet, have no evidence that the new thing isn't just another turd on a stick.

You ever know a kid who thinks it's funny to jab a dog turd with a stick to pick it up so it's like a hot dog on the end of a stick like you might see in a cartoon of an old time campfire cookout? And then he runs around trying to tag someone with the turd. That's what these new ideas are like, to me.

If you are promoting a new idea that you have not tested and have no logical basis for pushing on everyone else, then drop it back where you found it or I'm going throw a rock at your head.

But we have these librarians who continue to shout, "Wouldn't it be great if..."

Yes, it would be great if... something. But the point is that you're too much of a pussy to try it. Or you're too small of a fish to get your boss to try it, or too flaky and you've already had too many of your big ideas fail that your boss it tired of you making her look stupid. Or you really have your head way up your ass.

"Would it be awesome if we let our library patrons blah-dee blah? And then they could blah-dee blah-dee blah-dee blah-dee blah so much better or faster or easier? Wouldn't that be awesome?"

That's why you can't copyright an idea. Because ideas are bullshit. But plans aren't bullshit. Where is your plan? But no, you have no plan. Just some vague feeling that some new thing will somehow validate all the time you spend sitting on your ass at your job while everyone else does the actual work.

"Now remember, I said it first. So when this becomes a thing because of some other librarian's actual hard work, don't forget to give me the credit!"

Your boss doesn't listen to you for one of two reasons: either she's an ass or you're an ass. Since she's your boss, and as a boss myself, I tend to lean towards your being the ass.

These asses see the library failing because it doesn't do or have all this different crap. When the truth is, the library already incorporates many cool ideas. One of which is the ability to get one location to move items to another location so you can pick it up from a more convenient place. Can I get Walmart or Best buy to do that? Hell no. I go to their website and it says that item is not available from my local store so I need to pay to have it shipped to my home. Libraries do this for free. This is a great, useful service that if we were a business, we might be able to charge a buck for.

And interlibrary loan? Why don't you go down to the Apple store and ask them when they can get you an Android phone? What? Apple doesn't cooperate with competing businesses? But the library will get you any book (within reason) from almost any other library in the country.

Why don't you write down all the things your library does now and see how this new thing is better? Do you even know all the cool shit your library does now?

Now I'm not picking on a specific group of assholes, or even one asshole, but you know who you are. If it's different, it's better.

Because you're the dreamer of beautiful dreams. You imagine a world where your ideas are the honey that nourishes the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong; I love ideas. Keep them coming. But don't think you invented something just because you post it on your blog. We all have good ideas, but most of us work on them at home to prove they aren't bullshit before we shout them out in public.

You know what happens when you shout out ideas that no one adopts? You look like some crazy person shouting out ideas. You might as well wear roadkill for a hat and load your pants with chocolate pudding. The key is to get your idea to work and then tell us about it.

And if your idea is really good, I'll steal it for myself. Because I'm the boss.

Oh, and you want a concrete example of this? But completely unrelated to the library world? How about Betty White hosting SNL this past week? She thanked Facebook because of some campaign to get her to host.

If you saw the show, it was funny. Betty was great. But you can bet that the person who started the FB page is congratulating himself, or FB corporate is congratulating themselves without any of them acknowledging that the writers had anything to do with it. If you've seen the last few SNL's then you know a slamdunk was not a guarantee. Betty's show could have tanked. And then what? All the Facebookers who joined Betty's group would say, "Hey, I did my part."

Yes, it was a good idea. But that's how it is with ideas: you need people to make them real.

I am "sixing" tired of your ignorance.

First of all, I want you to know that I'm pissed off about this. And in my mind I am using item #6 from the George Carlin menu of the original seven words you can never say on television to express my outrage a whole #6ing lot.

I just saw this news story, "Libraries must find new ways to stay relevant" by Bill Maxwell, Times correspondent.

The article cites some study that says that scholars no longer visit libraries for research:

"Traditional research practices relied heavily on the library itself and on locally implemented library-provided tools for discovery of books, journal articles, and other materials," authors of the report write,.."

Big #3ing deal.

First of all, the study has one fact completely wrong. Traditional research practices HAVE NOT relied heavily on the library itself.

What we like to think of as traditional research practices, meaning primarily during the last century, have relied on libraries for research. But if old movies have taught me anything, prior to universities and public libraries providing access to large print collections, most of the world's important information was stored in tombs or temples or creepy old haunted houses. All the best research was private and required a little social networking for access. Dr. Frankenstein didn't pop over to the college library to learn how to reanimate the dead. And Chris Lee knows all too well that the man posing as a librarian hired to organize the Count's library is really there to stake him. Traditionally, most libraries were private or secret.

What librarians have traditionally said over the years is, "Oh, we know lots of guys who are exhuming freshly buried corpses and attempting to reanimate the tissue. We should get a copy of that book." And then the librarians found a place to put all those books and that became the central storehouse for that knowledge. This saved every scientist from wandering the country trying to get a peek at these texts before the townsfolk burned them along with the monster when they torched the good doctor's castle.

So no, the library does not create the librarian. It's the reverse that is always true. And so the library isn't confined to a single location. I hate hearing that libraries are "old" and that librarians seem to work in some Eighteenth Century mindset where we carve our pen nibs from turkey feathers and produce candles from whale oil. I talked to a newspaper reporter one day last year who was surprised I knew what Twitter was: WT#3!

Floridians have the Florida Electronic Library, an online collection of databases accessible from anywhere with any Florida library card. But now (or soon), the collection can be used from any recognized IP within the state, sans card:

"... when a user anywhere in Florida visits the FEL site, our authentication module will recognize their IP address and their affiliated zip code. Users coming from a Florida location will be automatically authenticated to use the FEL resources without having to go through a log-in routine."

For those who think that a library is a building, that means the whole #6ing state is a #6ing library.

A librarian has the skills to archive and organize and classify any damn thing you can find. I don't have my notes, but I think my cataloging class in library school had me create a record for a used tea bag. (I remember it was some physical object.)

Wherever you find a librarian, you'll find a library. NOT the other way around. That's why it always sends me into a rage when I see these stories about libraries needing to remain relevant in the digital age. Don't worry, librarians will figure it out. Doctors don't need hospitals to do doctoring and lawyers don't need ambulances to do lawyering.

Whether it's information on the web or in your phone or piled up on the floor after the undead apocalypse. Librarians will sort it out, organize it and make it available for everyone.

Librarians do it. No, don't say "Librarians Dewey It." That might look cute on a bumper sticker, and I might grin when I see it, but I'm ticked off here. Librarians Do It. Because that's how you make a motherfucking library.

The Librarian in Cuba. The Librarian in America. Compared.

Here's an interesting view of a librarian from a young Cuban woman, "Librarian or Overseer?", by Maria Matienzo Puerto.

Here is what she thinks about librarians:

"there were once overseers with certain levels of education who were hired by slave owners to whip the black slaves and thus ensure that sugarcane was cut ... if there’s someone who can embody this type of personality in its full sense, it’s that of a librarian."

Wow. Another fan.

Maria sees her local UNESCO (United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization - yeah, I had to look it up) librarian as akin to a slave overseer, cracking her whip to keep everyone in line.

Here is her library internet experience in Cuba, and my American comparisons in italics:

In Cuba, internet searching is called “information recovery.”
In America, we call it "com-pyoo-ter?" or "shutthefuckupoldman and gimmeone."

In Cuba, internet use if for 45-minutes.
In America, it's 15 minutes without an official government authorized usage tracking identity card. Or "library" card.

In Cuba you need to turn over an itemized list of the sites you visited to the librarian.
In America, we have software that alerts the librarians when you visit forbidden sites. And then we approach the offender in a bold manner and announce to all that, the person has violated all of civilized society and is probably a sex offender, but also, probably, was just trying to find pictures of kitties on Google Images.

In Cuba, the librarian begins announcing that the library will be closing a full hour before the actual closing time.
In America, we start announcing the closing time about 15 minutes before we open: "The Library will be closing at 5:00. Yes, we know that is hours from now. But you never fucking listen!"

Just to let you know, Maria, librarians are the same everywhere. The Internet is a valuable resource and we don't like anyone to waste it. The Internet is hauled up from deep in the earth on long conveyor belts maintained by American children. After many years of working in these "data mines," the children are weak and unable to perform any other tasks so we send them to school where they can sleep and dream of "dropping tracks" which will bring them the fame they desire. They sleep as in a chrysalis, awaiting to emerge as splendid butterflies because in America everyone is famous and makes lots of money.

In defense of your local librarian, she was probably just bitchy because you were not doing anything that would allow her to call the police. In America, it's not a productive day unless we can call the cops to haul some idiot off to jail. So don't fret, Maria, libraries are the same all over.

Marilyn Johnson is awesome.

Marilyn Johnson is awesome because she thinks librarians are awesome. And given her background as an an obituary writer, I imagine she can't wait for each of us to die (in a good way).

I just saw her presentation at the 2010 Florida Library Association conference in Orlando, maybe you noticed when I came in, a little disheveled and bloody from an altercation I had with the valet who refused to park my "piece of shit" Yugo. So I beat his ass with the driver's side door that conveniently fell off the car when I flung it open to argue with him. A Yugo car door is surprisingly light and I can hit a guy 3 or 4 times with one before I get tired.

But Marilyn is awesome because as much as she loves libraries, she also loves librarians. I've heard so many pep talks about how communities love their libraries or how everyone needs libraries, but not so much about the people who devote much of their lives to making sure that libraries are useful tools. I've heard many pro-library talks, but not so many that are so overwhelmingly pro-librarian.

Through Marilyn's book and her presentations (no, she did not give me a shiny penny to plug her site), she praises librarians for their uniqueness and their expertise. To listen to Marilyn is to learn that a librarian can literally do anything. A library without a librarian is just a Barnes & Noble. And I can never find shit in that place.

Marilyn talked about "street librarians." Damn. Now I want to be a street librarian. I want to take what I know out to the people. Like if our community was holding some large event, like a fine art and antique show or a concert or a walk to raise money for a cause, the street librarians could be there, with the people, answering their questions. But I don't know so much. I am pretty stupid. And I frighten children. And old people. So maybe I won't be a street librarian. But I think it's a great idea.

But think about that: tons of people have smartphones and apps and all that crap that's supposed to make them smarter. But most people are not any smarter with their smartphone. A librarian with a smartphone is ten times smarter than a regular person with a smartphone. Even with every useful application, a smartphone is still just a device for receiving data. Librarians are trained to take all this discordant data and make music. Data without a librarian is just a robot on Star Trek.

Librarians turn piles of books into libraries. Librarians organize and synthesize and compile and define and label, and generally make finding stuff a lot easier. So Marilyn reminded me that the library is the tool and the librarian is the craftsman. She reminded me that librarians are individuals, and from that I remembered that my library patrons are individuals, too.

Yes, there are times when I think of library patrons as a collective. I lump them all together and the burden of serving them wears me out. But I need to remember that each individual patron deserves my help and that I should use all my skills to assist her.

The library isn't my job, each patron is my job. The library is there to serve the needs of that customer. So I organize and maintain my tools in preparation for that customer. A few posts back, I went off against devices and how libraries should be about people and not their fucking iPricks: Oh, look, Steve Jobs had to make a bigger iPhone, what insecurity do you think that expresses?

But libraries are also devices. And in these lean economic times, libraries can't cut costs simply by trimming staff. What good is a library that's open all week if no one is there to help people find what they need, even if it's only to locate that recently returned copy of Zombieland? Libraries need librarians.

I'm going to keep reminding myself that the customer is the end result of my job. Yes, I can buy databases and DVDs and downloadables for their fuckingly-stupid devices, but all these things, books included, are just the tools to satisfy that outcome.

If the customer is King, then who can be above a King? God. Yeah, the Librarian is God. I like that. Now, I'm going out for waffles.

Rolling Stone Keith Richards wanted to be a librarian - big effing deal.

According to a story in the Daily Mail, Richards "consider[ed] 'professional training' to manage his vast collection of books," but gave up "on the idea because it was 'too much hassle.'"

Oh, it's easy to say you "wanted to be a librarian." But it's another thing to do it and live the life. Sure, it's easy to choose the path of a rock-n-roll star, doing heroin and sleeping with supermodels, but the life of dusty book allergies and hand-sanitizer abuse is not for the weak.

All this is revealed as Richards works on a new autobiography. "'I’m trying to remember things,' says Richards, 'which is very difficult.'" In fact, after he thought about it longer, it wasn't a librarian he wanted to be, it was "Fabian, ...or was it a comedian? Wait, maybe it was a Trinidadian... bloody hell."

Sometimes an overdue library book is just an overdue library book.

I saw an announcement that Betty White would be playing a librarian in an upcoming episode of some sitcom, and as the fictional librarian, she would track down an overdue library book a student forgot to return. And that made me sad. Because writers still haven't learned that librarians are regular people with regular problems and we don't spend our days on the trail of book thieves or even on the trail of book late-returners. We have many other regular, normal interests.

So this is a letter to TV writers everywhere. Here is an actual experience I had with my school librarian, Mr. Jenkins when I had an overdue library book. As you can see, librarians are normal everyday people who just want to help.

I remember this as if I just made it up today... because sometimes an overdue book is a cry for help.

Mr. Jenkins pulled me aside in the school library to ask about my overdue library book, Robert Mapplethorpe Photographs the Katzenjammer Kids:

So, Billy, Mr. Jenkins says,(yes, in this story my name is Billy), what about that overdue library book? Are we going to see that back in the library soon? You know, library school trains us librarians to view an overdue book as a cry for help; are you crying for help, Billy? Maybe you've having some issues at home? A fight with your brother or sister? Do you have a sister? An older sister? Maybe one who's really promiscuous, a dirty little slut who stays out all night? No? No older sister. Too bad. Do you ever feel like you're the older sister? Walk around in your mom's high heels? Did you ever want to be a girl? Try on this lipstick. Look at that shade of red, this would look hot on you. No? Not ready yet? Okay, calm down. What about your parents? Are they separated? Maybe getting a divorce? And your mom is pretty lonely in that big bed all by herself. Your mom is still pretty young, right? How would you feel if you woke up some morning and saw me exiting your mother's bedroom? Would that creep you out? Oh, but your parents aren't separated. What about drugs? Maybe the other kids are trying to get you to do drugs and you don't know what to say? You're embarrassed, right? Because you haven't done any drugs before? How much money you got? Ten bucks? Here's a doobie from my personal stash. Don't freak out, I'm going to show you how to smoke this bad boy so you don't spend the rest of your existence on this planet being such a dork.

And then that bastard took my ten dollars and bogarted that whole joint.

And that's how I became a librarian. The End.

I wish I'd thought of that last line a long time ago. A good blog should have a theme and it seems like a cool idea to have a blog where every post ends with, "And that's how I became a librarian."