Bush's dog bites reporter: Obama says, "We want that one!"

There has been much speculation on which breed of dog President-elect Barack Obama will get for his daughters as a reward for their good behavior during the campaign.

But when Reuter's reporter Jon Decker reached in to pet President Bush's dog Barney Thursday and received a nip on his hand, Obama made his decision to get that breed for the family pet. "I was thinking a Goldendoodle for the girls," he said, "but when that dog, a Scottie I believe, snapped at that reporter, I realized that was the dog for us."

Michelle Obama added, "Those reporters can be such pains in the ass. A little nip now and again should keep them in their places."



[note: real people quotes are made up by me.]

Michael Myers warned as Halloween approaches

As Halloween draws near, police in Haddonfield, Illinois are beefing up patrols and cracking down on serial murderers, officials said.

Children dressed as goblins and ghouls will be joined Oct. 31 by 35 sheriff's officers, officials said. Local police will also check in with registered serial murderers on the two days before Halloween to make sure they follow the laws governing their activities during the child-centric occasion, police said.

"Knock on wood, Halloween's been relatively mild the last several years I can remember," said Sheriff Leigh Brackett, Jr.

The Division of Public Safety sent a letter this month to exactly 1 registered serial murderer telling him to stay inside from 6 p.m. Oct. 31 until the next morning and not to answer his door for trick-or-treaters, and especially not to kill them, said Frederick Mixter, a spokesman for the public safety department.

The letter also included a "No Murder" sign adorned with a butcher knife graphic, which the offender was told to display on the front door of his home. "Teens like to party in spooky houses on Halloween," Mixter said, "but this sign should give them plenty of warning to engage in their sexcapades elsewhere, like in the vacant garage behind Roy's filling station. That's where me and the missus go."

"We're trying to keep the public safe, and we're also trying to make the serial murderers understand that they need to remain in compliance," Mixter said. "In this case, only one serial murderer, but you get the point."

But Geoff Wilkins, attorney for the sole recipient of the public safety letter, says his client, Michael Myers, in unfairly being singled out. "Michael is a good kid, who because of his history, is being targeted by law enforcement. It's pure harassment," said Wilkins. "In the 30 years since the unfortunate accident that resulted in the mutilations and deaths of Michael's family, the police have been blaming him for all kinds of horrific crimes. This letter is the ultimate outrage because the eye holes in Michael's killing mask make it impossible for him to read the tiny print."

"But I say what I've always said when these crimes happen," Wilkins added, "look for the real killer because Michael was with me all night bowling. You probably saw another seven-foot-tall monster in a white William Shatner mask doing all that killing."


[story stolen from "Sex Offenders Are Warned as Halloween Approaches," By Matt Zapotosky, Washington Post Staff Writer. Thursday, October 23, 2008], but changed because child molesters aren't funny. But fictional butcher knife-wielding Halloween murderers are hilarious.

Where do you poo?

In response to sites like MizPee, a general bathroom rating site, and Diaroogle, NYC area only, we at the.effing.librarian have created YaPoo!, a site specifically designed for evaluating and recommending public restroom facilities located in public libraries.

YAPOO! The library toilet search engine.

Enter your pooping needs here, such as "male, just ate Mexican food, needs space to read the paper..."

So far, YaPoo! is only for locating clean bathrooms in North American public libraries, not college and university library bathrooms, because, oh, God, is that even possible?

We hope we can find volunteers to begin evaluating the pooping facilities in other countries. Unless you foreign people don't care where you poop, in which case I will post those countries here as a warning to traveling library users: fyi, Belgium says they don't care.

[original story here.]
And yes, I am kidding, again. And we love Belgium, don't we, guys.

How to get teens into the library.

Library director guilty of giving minors alcohol

Bobbi Sorrentino, 47, director of the Walworth Memorial Library, was found guilty May 5 in Walworth County Court on six counts of providing alcohol to minors.

You mean, that's WRONG??!!

I better take down those signs...


[...no, she didn't give them booze at the library...]

100 Lamest Excuses for Not Innovating, or for Turning Down an Invitation to Join the Office Sex Orgy, I forget which ...and that gets me into trouble.

As the.effing.librarian, I travel around this good, nay great, country of ours speaking to the kind folks who will listen to my advice about libraries and the future of libraries.

And when my talk is over and the whiners have gone home to their tear-soaked beds and I'm left with my kind of people, thinkers, doers, librarians, and we have finished the better part of a bottle of Goldschlager, the same suggestion forgoes caution and raises itself up from slumber time and time again: How's about you and me and all of us get nekkid?

And though these are groovy, happening people of progressive like-minds, there is sometimes resistance. And this is the point: if we can't bring people together for a simple sex orgy, how can we overcome the obstacles in the profession and prepare for the future of libraries?

The solution is within yourself. As you read through the list, take note of the excuses YOU find yourself making. Especially the really attractive ones of you, the ones who said NO last time. The ones who said, If you don't put your clothes back on, I'm calling the police.

So here are the top 25 of the top 100 Lamest Excuses for NOT Joining the Office Sex Orgy.

1. I'm not sure how to begin.
2. I'm already juggling way too many projects.
3. I'm too left-brained for this sort of thing.
4. I'm not good at presenting my ideas.
5. I'm too new around here.
6. I've tried before and failed.
7. I'm no good at office politics.
8. I've never done anything like this before.
9. Teamwork is a joke around here.
10. IT won't go for it.
11. My boss will get all the credit.
12. Summer's coming.
13. I'm hypoglycemic.
14. I'm getting too old for this.
15. We won't be able to get it past legal.
16. I won't be able to get enough resources.
17. My home life will suffer.
18. It's against my religion.
19. I've got too much on my plate.
20. Someone will steal my ideas.
21. I don't tolerate ambiguity all that well.
22. I don't have the right personality to build a team.
23. Now is not a good time to start a new project.
24. I'm just not not the creative type.
25. I'll be laughed out of town.

Actually, this is part of a list of "The Top 100 Lamest Excuses for Not Innovating." I found this on Dances With Books (thanks!). But as I read that list, I thought that those excuses could be found everywhere to avoid almost anything. And then I thought of the orgy thing and the answers still worked, and even better than in the original article.

So, no, the.effing.librarian doesn't travel around giving speeches. I don't even know how I would do that, never having been invited to speak. I guess I could just show up at libraries and ask for Jean or Liz or Sue until someone gets confused and lets me in to their meeting. And then I could stand at the front of the room and say a few words before anyone figured out that it was me who ate all the donuts. That could work.

See you at your next meeting. Don't worry, I'll leave my clothes on. And no, there's no flavor donut I won't eat. So don't get smart and buy all lemon-filled because I'll eat them all just to spite you.

Licking Library

One of my favorite movie lines is, "Chicken Lickin' is lickin' chicken" (from The Mechanic - it just sounds so dirty), so it fills me with sophomoric glee to see that a library might get named, The Licking Library.

According to this, The Newark (OH) Public Library might become part of the Licking County system. Now, I'm not outright laughing, but given the story, I see a couple things that could get me giggling:

• "Licking County Commissioners" (Not in this lifetime.)
• "Southwest Licking" (I think that's illegal in Alabama.)

So yeah, it's childish entertainment, but it's Friday.

So I'm not White.

I'm not laughing at Stuff White People Like. And it saddens me, because I am a white person. I skimmed over about 20 posts before I came to #64 Recycling, which finally got me to half-smile. It reminded me of my friend Jim who is a recycler. I've known him since third grade and he's always been concerned about his effect on the planet, carrying a little garbage bag on the handle bars of his bike and composting his own feces in a spice planter out on the back patio.

But I don't get the humor of the site. It's like non-humor. Wait. Give me a sec to see if they have an entry for "books." Nope, don't see one. Maybe they're saving that for their own book.

But lots of people seem to think the site is hilarious. So again, that saddens me. Because I'm hilarious.

All this just brings me back to the purpose of this blog, to entertain myself. And the nine of you who laugh with me.

But if you find Stuff White People Like hilarious, don't try to explain it to me. I still won't get it and then there will be an awkward period where I will have to decide whether your endorsement deserves a lie from me to give it another chance. But I won't lie because I can't. And then the disappointment will pass like a shadow across your smile and a tiny flame of anger will squeeze your heart like a fist. And then we will part, knowing that the impasse is too great.

Is this something you really want to end our friendship over? Doesn't our love deserve more that this? I think so.


Anyway, just because I don't find them funny, it doesn't mean I can't congratulate them on their success. So I do. And I'll keep waiting for my email from Random House.

Beware Library Posses

So I'm reading this story from The Detroit News: Libraries used as hangouts anger patrons. And everything is fine until I see this photo.

I don't want to pick on a library for a typo. And I don't want to think that the library didn't have any available dictionaries.

But I do wonder why Microsoft Word or whatever word processor they used had the word "posses" in its dictionary (so that it didn't spot the misspelling). I guess it's a common word, although I rarely use it. I just opened Word and typed "possees" and got back suggestions for "posses," "poses," "possess," "posies," and "pusses," so "posses" is part of the default dictionary in Word (meaning it wasn't added to the custom.dic file on the computer that made this document). From what I can find, the base Word dictionary has about 99,000 words and the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 11th Edition says about 225,000 words, and according to here, the OED 2nd lists 171,000 words in current usage.

So I guess it's not a big deal to misspell possess as posses and not have your word processor catch it. But it's kind of a big deal to have a photo of your mistake appear in the paper for everyone to see.

Librarians have no sense of humor

Here is what happens when I try to say something funny at the library:

"Oh, man, I was attacked by girl scouts in the parking lot today. They were like little
ninjas swarming all around me waving their cardboard boxes like tiny sai and demanding, 'buy
my cookies. Buy my cookies.' I couldn't get away. 'Okay, I said. I'll buy your five
dollar a box, chocolate-covered hydrogenated myocardial infarctions...'"

[Coworker blinks. Cricket noises are heard.]

Or maybe not that, but pretend I said something truly funny. Here is what the librarian thinks:
These words appear to be expressed as a joke; I must access the pleasure center of my
brain...the Cheesecake Factory...my cat...my other cat...You've Got Mail...my other other
cat...oh, okay, humor!

This is how you tell a joke to a librarian:" Excuse me; I am about to tell a joke. Ready? My cat did the funniest thing today..."

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be back at 7:30. Try the veal cutlet.