Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Apple Exclusive? Leaked Image? New Products?

Following in the discovery of a prototype next gen iPhone leaked by Gizmodo, the.effing.librarian has received what is believed to be an actual handwritten sheet of product notes from an Apple employee, apparently listing possible names for future Apple products.

As you can see quite clearly, this is a handwritten note. It behaves exactly like any other handwritten note, but since this is Apple production lab paper, it was probably pressed from angels' wings.

But you can also see an official Apple company logo printed at the top of the document, which also seems to be handwritten, which, we think, adds to its secrecy and authenticity. No regular person would just scribble the trademarked, world famous Apple logo on a piece of paper. That would be crazy.

After the note came into our possession, our staff disassembled it in order to understand its mystic meaning. It appeared to be a 24lb. heavy stock paper, made from the aforementioned angel parts and clearly the kind an employee at Apple might use.

And the paper is lined, in order for Apple personnel to organize their thoughts in an harmonious progression of ideas, moving forward and across the paper.

And the handwriting itself was clearly that of a genius. (And since "Genius" is a registered trademark of Apple Inc., again, duh!)

The only question was the pale yellow coloring of the paper which concerned us because we all know that Steve Jobs hates the color yellow. It symbolizes cowardice.

Since the note was discovered in an International House of Pancakes over 300 miles from the nearest Apple Store, it is painfully obvious that someone at Apple was trying to throw reporters and Apple fanatics off the scent.

Here now, are the names of possible future Apple products discovered from this authentic, and not fake, Apple document. We bet some Apple employee is sure embarrassed at losing this.
  1. iPortal
  2. iPlate
  3. iPud
  4. iPlop
  5. iPrank
  6. iPogo
  7. iPram
  8. iPerk
  9. iPeeFreely
  10. iPheelPretty
  11. iPheelGood
We feel confident that this is totally on the level and not at all made-up. In fact, we've already been in contact with an attorney who claims to represent Apple who sent this email: "If you don't return Mr. Jobs' pet Maltese, Demeter, we will be forced to call the authorities."

So there you have it, proof that this is an actual secret Apple document.

And that is it; I am on break.