The Internet is CLOSED.

So some Internet lawsuits were filed that seem to prove again that the USPTO should never have changed their patent application rules to include software processes.

What do you think when you think of the World Wide Web? You think of images and text and sound and video files? Well, too bad. Because you just trampled all over somebody's private property.

Whenever I read about some Internet patent, I think about how that patent would work in the real world. If I read something that says, "Method for transfer of data utilizing electronic media," I can't help but wonder WTF the Patent Office registrar was thinking when the patent application was approved. I've been transferring data since I was born. And I've been doing it electronically since I was stung by a radioactive lightning bug and became the superhero known to you as "Firefly Man."

It's like companies apply for patents for everything that didn't already happen to have a patent number. Like someone just searches some keywords and if they don't see a patent, they file one.... "Let's see 'process for third-party temporary remote data storage'.. Awesome! There's no patent listed for that! Quick! File for it!"

So what do you think I thought when I saw these next actual patents?

"Alerting Users to Items of Current Interest."

"Attention Manager for Occupying the Peripheral Attention of a Person in the Vicinity of a Display Device."

"Browser for Use in Navigating a Body of Information, With Particular Application to Browsing Information Represented By Audiovisual Data."

I think of patents as things. And improvements on things. I don't think of patents as things we already have but are now available online so that makes them unique. To me, "building a better mousetrap" does not mean describing a method for building a better mousetrap unless the mousetrap is behind the couch catching mice. And the mousetrap isn't a cat.

But all these patents make me think of cats. They are things that exist or are necessary components of other things that exist. It's like you patented the steps on a ladder. Some other company makes the ladder, but you own the patent for the "Laterally installed devices in a ladder which allow for a human to achieve vertical movement."

But since most people don't understand the components of a software program, if someone claims that their software does something unique, we often believe them. It doesn't matter if it's a bullshit claim.

And it these cases, the companies accused of the violation are virtually a Who's Who of every huge internet company. So that in itself should be clue.

If you claim that so many others are violating your patent, then that supports the argument that your patent is for something that's so naturally a part of the function of the whole that it's absurd and should never have been allowed to become patented.

So I wonder how the Internet is able to function at all. I guess it can't if everyone keeps running around yelling, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

Here is my patent application for which I expect approval: "Method for applying or 'spreading' butter or margarine to toast to increase its deliciousness." That's mine. I own it. And that includes croissants. So all you bastards owe me money.

If patents like these survive challenges, the we should all file class action suits against the owners:

Complaint: That the product, "Attention Manager for Occupying the Peripheral Attention of a Person in the Vicinity of a Display Device" has wasted everyone's TIME.
That individual and corporate productivity has decreased 30-55% due to the direct interference of this invention at a collective cost to individuals and corporations of $465 billion over the last 19 years. Our complaint accuses the inventor and/or patent holder of wasting our precious time by "occupying our peripheral attention" when we had important shit to do.
So we are asking for the full $465 billion in lost productivity plus punitive damages of $2 trillion.

Trouble in Riverdale

Terrible news for Archie & Pals:

How budget cuts might affect the Riverdale Public Library
Wednesday, June 2,2010
BY RICHARD GAWEL
Suburban Trends

RIVERDALE — The state of New Jersey is broke. Governor Chris Christie's next budget includes billions of dollars in cuts affecting every level of public services. And while the debate over school funding has ignited passionate debate and captured the most headlines, a quieter dispute is emerging over state aid to New Jersey's libraries, which will be cut by 74 percent starting June 30 if the planned budget passes. The reduction in aid will drastically affect many of the libraries in Suburban Trends' area, including the Riverdale Public Library.

[no longer RICHARD GAWEL, but me]

One of those affected most by the closings will be "Moose" Mason, Riverdale's star football playing idiot. "D-uh, that's not nice," Moose said when someone read this story to him.

Although Moose's catchphrase, "D-uh", works to his advantage at the Riverdale Public Library. When Moose requests a book by starting, "I need D-uh..", the admittedly smartass librarian interrupts with, "Dubliners?" or "Double Indemnity?" Ironically, Moose is the most well-read resident in Riverdale, for all the good it does him.

Apple Exclusive? Leaked Image? New Products?

Following in the discovery of a prototype next gen iPhone leaked by Gizmodo, the.effing.librarian has received what is believed to be an actual handwritten sheet of product notes from an Apple employee, apparently listing possible names for future Apple products.


As you can see quite clearly, this is a handwritten note. It behaves exactly like any other handwritten note, but since this is Apple production lab paper, it was probably pressed from angels' wings.

But you can also see an official Apple company logo printed at the top of the document, which also seems to be handwritten, which, we think, adds to its secrecy and authenticity. No regular person would just scribble the trademarked, world famous Apple logo on a piece of paper. That would be crazy.

After the note came into our possession, our staff disassembled it in order to understand its mystic meaning. It appeared to be a 24lb. heavy stock paper, made from the aforementioned angel parts and clearly the kind an employee at Apple might use.

And the paper is lined, in order for Apple personnel to organize their thoughts in an harmonious progression of ideas, moving forward and across the paper.

And the handwriting itself was clearly that of a genius. (And since "Genius" is a registered trademark of Apple Inc., again, duh!)

The only question was the pale yellow coloring of the paper which concerned us because we all know that Steve Jobs hates the color yellow. It symbolizes cowardice.

Since the note was discovered in an International House of Pancakes over 300 miles from the nearest Apple Store, it is painfully obvious that someone at Apple was trying to throw reporters and Apple fanatics off the scent.

Here now, are the names of possible future Apple products discovered from this authentic, and not fake, Apple document. We bet some Apple employee is sure embarrassed at losing this.

1. iPortal
2. iPlate
3. iPud
4. iPlop
5. iPrank
6. iPogo
7. iPram
8. iPerk
9. iPeeFreely
10. iPheelPretty
11. iPheelGood

We feel confident that this is totally on the level and not at all made-up. In fact, we've already been in contact with an attorney who claims to represent Apple who sent this email: "If you don't return Mr. Jobs' pet Maltese, Demeter, we will be forced to call the authorities."

So there you have it, proof that this is an actual secret Apple document.

And that is it; I am on break.