Friday, January 2, 2009

A letter from J. D. Salinger.

"Hey, everybody. It's me, Jerome. Yeah, that's what the J stands for. So now you know why I use my initials. Anyway, I just turned 90, as mentioned in this piece in the New York Times where the author speculated on how I wouldn't celebrate my birthday. But I had a party like normal people, and since I have an aggressive sweet tooth, I had ice cream cake. I'm partial to the Fudgy the Whale cake from Carvel.

Anyway, like you, I thought I was already dead, too, since the literary world hasn't heard from me for almost 30 years, who knew? But I'm fine. It's weird to think that there are newspapers with twenty-year-old obituaries about me that haven't needed updating since I haven't done anything newsworthy. Through the years, there have been times when I wanted to emerge from my self-imposed isolation. I wanted to say something when Elvis died. And I cried when River Phoenix died; he had so much promise. And I wrote letters to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that I never sent. It's not important what I wrote. I thought about trying to get tickets to President Obama's inauguration, but then I thought about the crowds and the cold and figured I'd just Tivo the thing.

What have I been doing all these years? Where to start,... where to start... well, I edit a blog called "Phony Bastards," which is kind of a celebrity blog with pictures of actress wardrobe malfunctions and celebrity mug shots. It's on Wordpress. And back in the Seventies, I wrote a sequel to Catcher in the Rye, with Holden on a cross-country trip with his pet chimpanzee, but then Every Which Way But Loose came out and it was a huge hit, so I shitcanned that manuscript.

What else keeps me active? I laughed at Borat. And I wrote a script for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer that I sent in anonymously that was never used. But I don't mind because Joss Whedon's a genius, and I still microwave some popcorn on Saturday nights and watch the DVDs. Other than that, I haven't written much. So it's no surprise if no one remembers who I am when I finally kick it.

I'm thinking I should license my stuff for television or commercials. You know, have a modern Holden star in kind of a Dawson's Creek thing. What do you think?

Or how about this for a commercial for my Mac:
When I don't write anything, I don't write it on my MacBook Air. Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, I think I'm going to make some calls. I'm back, baby!"