Are these aholes eating in a library??? WTF, Wendy's?
Yes, I've seen this commercial many, many times, but I never really paid attention to it. It just made me want to punch those two guys in the face, then go to Taco Bell.
So, thanks, Wendy's, for reinforcing positive public behavior. Why don't you shoot your next commercial with some guy enjoying a delicious Frosty near the periodicals while sodomizing a macaw. (You know, because of all the noise.)
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Whenever Alec Baldwin is on SNL, I wish I could get him to perform this sketch. Yes, I wrote this all by myself. And yes, I think it's funny.
And again, I'm sorry for this.
Cast:
Alec Baldin as Pete Schweddy (original appearances here and here)
John Goodman as Richard Fitz (a new character)
(this is basically the sketch... since it will never be performed, I've never actually written it out on paper)
Pete: Hello, I'm Pete Schweddy. You may remember me from my appearances on National Public Radio's program, The Delicious Dish when we discussed my popular holiday Schweddy Balls.
Richard: (makes yummy sounds)
Pete: And my delicious, meaty Schweddy Weiner.
Pete introduces his Friend, Richard Fitz, who runs a Bed and Breakfast called, The Dick Fitz Inn.
[............anyway... this goes on... until...]
Pete: So Richard and I are here to announce our partnership on opening our combined B&B and eating emporium, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.
...
That's it. That's the joke. I just want to hear Alec Baldwin say, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn. Yes, it's infantile. But hilarious.
And as I said earlier, I'm sorry. Here, as an apology, is the original Pete Schweddy sketch:
And again, I'm sorry for this.
Cast:
Alec Baldin as Pete Schweddy (original appearances here and here)
John Goodman as Richard Fitz (a new character)
(this is basically the sketch... since it will never be performed, I've never actually written it out on paper)
Pete: Hello, I'm Pete Schweddy. You may remember me from my appearances on National Public Radio's program, The Delicious Dish when we discussed my popular holiday Schweddy Balls.
Richard: (makes yummy sounds)
Pete: And my delicious, meaty Schweddy Weiner.
Pete introduces his Friend, Richard Fitz, who runs a Bed and Breakfast called, The Dick Fitz Inn.
[............anyway... this goes on... until...]
Pete: So Richard and I are here to announce our partnership on opening our combined B&B and eating emporium, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.
...
That's it. That's the joke. I just want to hear Alec Baldwin say, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn. Yes, it's infantile. But hilarious.
And as I said earlier, I'm sorry. Here, as an apology, is the original Pete Schweddy sketch:
Monday, January 19, 2009
Veni, vidi, youtubi.
I wept for the human race today. I was watching President-elect Obama on C-SPAN as he moved through a crowd today at a Washington D.C. high school one day (okay, I don't know for sure when this was recorded) before he is to be sworn in as our 44th President, and many people spoke with him and shook his hand. But some, and this is why I wept, could only look at Obama through the tiny screens on their phones or cameras. Obama was within two feet, and seemingly happy to meet any and all who wanted to reach out to him. He was noticeably exhausted, but with each new face, he found the energy to smile and look at each person and listen to their words. If I had any doubts about his ability to handle his new job, they vanished as I watched.
But look at those people, I thought. Look, Obama is right next to you. Look at his face; he wants to meet you. He's here to meet you. But these few idiots continued to look at him through their mini screens, as if nothing existed unless it was rendered into pixels.
I don't understand. I understand the power of television. And I understand the importance of having a cool video on you MySpace page, but when did that become more important than meeting a real person? Shaking his hand? Saying hello?
I have nothing against anyone who said hello and took some video. Those people have the best of both worlds. The people who have no video, well maybe their friends will believe they met Obama, and maybe they won't.
But those people who have completely abandoned this need for human contact, I don't know. Maybe reality is changing. Maybe nothing truly exists until someone clicks on it. If a video is uploaded on the Internet and no one plays it, does it make a sound?
But look at those people, I thought. Look, Obama is right next to you. Look at his face; he wants to meet you. He's here to meet you. But these few idiots continued to look at him through their mini screens, as if nothing existed unless it was rendered into pixels.
I don't understand. I understand the power of television. And I understand the importance of having a cool video on you MySpace page, but when did that become more important than meeting a real person? Shaking his hand? Saying hello?
I have nothing against anyone who said hello and took some video. Those people have the best of both worlds. The people who have no video, well maybe their friends will believe they met Obama, and maybe they won't.
But those people who have completely abandoned this need for human contact, I don't know. Maybe reality is changing. Maybe nothing truly exists until someone clicks on it. If a video is uploaded on the Internet and no one plays it, does it make a sound?
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Boldly Going to Court.
It seems I need to engage the services of an attorney.
Apparently the Fox network has stolen my hilarious idea and used it to create its own show about "lower level" workers on the Starship Enterprise called Boldly Going Nowhere.
This is my own unique idea, that no person in the whole world had ever imagined before I did it in January 2008. No one. No one ever had the idea to parody Star Trek before. Not in the 40 years since it was first broadcast on television has anyone even considered making a comedy about the crew of the Enterprise. I did it first.
Anyway, if you never read them, please read a couple of my hilarious cartoons. That I did first. Before them. Thanks.
Oh, and by reading, you agree to be deposed in the coming litigation against Fox. Thank you.
Here are, "Black Shirts,"
Book 1
Book 2
Book 3
Book 4
Book 5 (5.24 and 5.25 got reversed in the book)
Book 6
Book 7
Book 8
(Really? Do I need to say that I'm kidding???)
Apparently the Fox network has stolen my hilarious idea and used it to create its own show about "lower level" workers on the Starship Enterprise called Boldly Going Nowhere.
This is my own unique idea, that no person in the whole world had ever imagined before I did it in January 2008. No one. No one ever had the idea to parody Star Trek before. Not in the 40 years since it was first broadcast on television has anyone even considered making a comedy about the crew of the Enterprise. I did it first.
Anyway, if you never read them, please read a couple of my hilarious cartoons. That I did first. Before them. Thanks.
Oh, and by reading, you agree to be deposed in the coming litigation against Fox. Thank you.
Here are, "Black Shirts,"
Book 1
Book 2
Book 3
Book 4
Book 5 (5.24 and 5.25 got reversed in the book)
Book 6
Book 7
Book 8
(Really? Do I need to say that I'm kidding???)
Monday, September 22, 2008
An Open Letter to Hollywood (or Vancouver)
After viewing last night's Emmy Awards, we at the.effing.librarian would like to take this time to reach out the the television production community to pitch our idea for a show. It's about a woman who works in the high-stress, slow-paced world of a library.
During her work day helping people open files on their flash drives, she fantasizes about an exciting lifestyle. But at night, she goes out and lives one. She leads a double life using the information she collects during the day to make her city a better place after the sun goes down.
When she finds that the library is filled with criminals, terrorists, pedophiles, and good people who truly need help, she discovers her true calling: to aid or punish each according to her rigid rules for justice.
One night, she might stalk and castrate a child molester who trolls for innocents online; another night she tutors illiterate adults. She's a card-carrying member of the ALA, the ACLU and the NRA.
And yes, our librarian needs love. She's a sexy panther on the prowl, and no man, or woman, can escape her hunting skills. Her body is a weapon, but it's also a work of art, inspiring passion across genders and transgenders.
Oh, and did I mention that it's a musical? Or at least, it will break out into musical numbers. We're thinking Amy Adams.
It's sex. It's violence. It's Sarah Palin glasses and big bore rifles. It's helping kids to read, Curious George crafts, glue sticks, glitter, job fairs, DDR, using Wii Fit in her underwear, book talks, helping teens to appreciate the written word, and social networking. So far, we call it, "Looking for Mr. GoodBorrower."
Thank you for your time.
During her work day helping people open files on their flash drives, she fantasizes about an exciting lifestyle. But at night, she goes out and lives one. She leads a double life using the information she collects during the day to make her city a better place after the sun goes down.
When she finds that the library is filled with criminals, terrorists, pedophiles, and good people who truly need help, she discovers her true calling: to aid or punish each according to her rigid rules for justice.
One night, she might stalk and castrate a child molester who trolls for innocents online; another night she tutors illiterate adults. She's a card-carrying member of the ALA, the ACLU and the NRA.
And yes, our librarian needs love. She's a sexy panther on the prowl, and no man, or woman, can escape her hunting skills. Her body is a weapon, but it's also a work of art, inspiring passion across genders and transgenders.
Oh, and did I mention that it's a musical? Or at least, it will break out into musical numbers. We're thinking Amy Adams.
It's sex. It's violence. It's Sarah Palin glasses and big bore rifles. It's helping kids to read, Curious George crafts, glue sticks, glitter, job fairs, DDR, using Wii Fit in her underwear, book talks, helping teens to appreciate the written word, and social networking. So far, we call it, "Looking for Mr. GoodBorrower."
Thank you for your time.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Annoyed Librarian alters History forever.
So the annoyed librarian had a few drinkies and bloggered about the twopointopians and the eighttracktapians and the hulahoopians and the other technoslaves she enjoys mocking.
But the one group she mentioned that seems to have had an impact on the real world is the cabletvtopians.
I see a story on how the Library of Congress just signed a deal with the cable company that owns the History Channel to allow it "and its numerous sister channels [to] draw from the historical content preserved by the Library of Congress for original specials and documentaries."
If you doubted her powers in the past, believe them now. Believe! Beeelieeeeeve!
But the one group she mentioned that seems to have had an impact on the real world is the cabletvtopians.
I see a story on how the Library of Congress just signed a deal with the cable company that owns the History Channel to allow it "and its numerous sister channels [to] draw from the historical content preserved by the Library of Congress for original specials and documentaries."
Librarian of Congress James Billington said there are over 138 million items in the library's collections, meaning plenty of fodder for historical stories previously untold. Such items include a Gutenberg Bible, George Washington's copy of the Constitution, the first United States map and the contents in Abraham Lincoln's pockets the night he was assassinated.Cable TV has been around for at least 30 years and never has the Library of Congress offered such a treasure of information and artifacts to any cable channel. But one drunken mention from AL and everything changes.
If you doubted her powers in the past, believe them now. Believe! Beeelieeeeeve!
Monday, October 22, 2007
what's on now
I see that lots of people use their blogs to list what they are reading. For me, this is what I'm reading, this stuff on my monitor. Someone asks me a question and I search for it and read about it in order to tell them what I found. Then if I have a few minutes, I'll read some news.
But since I don't read actual books so much, here is what I have on my desk that I should look at:
Best American Comics 2006
Star Wars Dark Empire graphic novel
Library 2.0 A Guide to Participatory Library Service
Photoshop Classroom in a Book
Batman Year 100
(forgot this since it's at home) On the Wealth of Nations, O'Rourke, P. J.
and here's a CD I need to hear:
Rolling Stones, Beggars Banquet
and these are the DVDs I just saw or am in the middle of watching:
Zigfield Follies
We Are Marshall
Slither
Monster Squad
Smallville, season 5
But since I don't read actual books so much, here is what I have on my desk that I should look at:
Best American Comics 2006
Star Wars Dark Empire graphic novel
Library 2.0 A Guide to Participatory Library Service
Photoshop Classroom in a Book
Batman Year 100
(forgot this since it's at home) On the Wealth of Nations, O'Rourke, P. J.
and here's a CD I need to hear:
Rolling Stones, Beggars Banquet
and these are the DVDs I just saw or am in the middle of watching:
Zigfield Follies
We Are Marshall
Slither
Monster Squad
Smallville, season 5
Saturday, October 20, 2007
The Librarians on TV in Oz
Do Aussies call Australia, Oz? And do they call themselves Aussies?
Anyway, should we cheer that there's a show on Australian television called The Librarians? Given that it's already being called offensive and racist?
Anything's better than nothing. I guess.
Anyway, should we cheer that there's a show on Australian television called The Librarians? Given that it's already being called offensive and racist?
The Librarians, a new TV comedy about the staff of a public library, is laced with offensive characters who indulge in relentless Muslim-bashing.
The sitcom's main character, Frances O'Brien, is a kind of David (The Office) Brent in a dress who refers to Arabic as "gobbledegook" and refuses to allow a Muslim woman to use a computer to do Internet banking because it's "just too big a security risk".
The show's other star is Christine Grimwood (Roz Hammond), a children's librarian with an ecstasy problem, who drops the F-word in front of toddlers.
Anything's better than nothing. I guess.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
the banality of chit-chat
So I've been watching some of the new television shows and I've decided that I don't care any more. I'll still watch The Office and Monk, but I don't care much about anything else.
I think it's because I've had my fill of meaningless chit and pointless chat. I tried to watch The Bionic Woman, but her puny arguments with her sister are driving me to drink. More. And on a school night. I felt this way last year with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip; it was just people talking at each other like they were conscious of the audience listening (until the audience stopped and the show was cancelled).
I used to think the dialogue in How I Met Your Mother was clever, but now it bores me. What happened to shows like M*A*S*H (the early years) and Moonlighting and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer? I feel good about Pushing Daisies, but it's only been a few shows, so we'll see if they can keep up the clever banter. I think that's the key; I want to hear clever banter that feels natural for the show.
"But the characters are just like you," I can hear the television network publicist cheering. Really. If I wanted to watch characters just like me, I'd look for a show where the protagonist puts on a cape and crams his giant ass into a pair of Batman Underoos and jumps from the couch to the love seat and back and forth until he falls down and bangs his head on the coffee table. Do you have a show like that? Bill O'Reilly? Really? Let me see... talks like he just banged his head, giant ass,... but no, those aren't Underoos. I think that's a Batman tattoo.
[note: I don't know anything about Bill O'Reilly, or his tattoos, but he seemed like an easy target for this gag.]
I think it's because I've had my fill of meaningless chit and pointless chat. I tried to watch The Bionic Woman, but her puny arguments with her sister are driving me to drink. More. And on a school night. I felt this way last year with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip; it was just people talking at each other like they were conscious of the audience listening (until the audience stopped and the show was cancelled).
I used to think the dialogue in How I Met Your Mother was clever, but now it bores me. What happened to shows like M*A*S*H (the early years) and Moonlighting and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer? I feel good about Pushing Daisies, but it's only been a few shows, so we'll see if they can keep up the clever banter. I think that's the key; I want to hear clever banter that feels natural for the show.
"But the characters are just like you," I can hear the television network publicist cheering. Really. If I wanted to watch characters just like me, I'd look for a show where the protagonist puts on a cape and crams his giant ass into a pair of Batman Underoos and jumps from the couch to the love seat and back and forth until he falls down and bangs his head on the coffee table. Do you have a show like that? Bill O'Reilly? Really? Let me see... talks like he just banged his head, giant ass,... but no, those aren't Underoos. I think that's a Batman tattoo.
[note: I don't know anything about Bill O'Reilly, or his tattoos, but he seemed like an easy target for this gag.]
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