Great. Another Day with my Glock in my Crotch.

Some assholes in Hawaii are going to get me killed. Well, not me, but probably you.

Check this headline: "Library book sale brings in an estimated $200,000."

More than 20,000 people made their way through the doors of the McKinley High School cafeteria during the Friends of the Library of Hawaii's 63rd annual book sale, which ended its 10-day run on Sunday.

Listen Hawaii: WE DO NOT NEED YOU TELLING EVERY SCUMBAG IN THE WORLD THAT LIBRARIES KEEP STACKS OF MONEY BEHIND THE COUNTER.

And REALLY? The McKinley High School cafeteria? Who was guarding all this money, "lunch lady Doris"? Or Sherman the Cafeteria Monitor? Did you cleverly hide the money under a rapidly thawing sack of tater tots?

The book sale -- a fundraiser to support public libraries and literacy programs across the state -- brought in an estimated $200,000 from the sale of nearly 150,000 books collected by the Friends over the past year.

The "Friends"? You're telling everyone the Friends have $200,000??! Have you seen the library Friends? They're the oldest people in town. They're ancient. They're one hot day away from becoming dust. (thank you. joke copyright 2010, the.effing.librarian, and every other comic you've ever heard at an open mike night.)

This is not the news you want to spread. This is BAD publicity.

It's bad enough when someone has to watch my back when I clear a "quarter jam" in the copier and all can see that there's a wad of singles stuffed in the bill changer. Now I have to watch out for Alan Rickman and his criminal ballet troupe in case their latest heist targets the collection box full of Canadian pennies over by the used book shelf. Sorry, Snape, no bearer bonds here.

So, please, news sources of the world, do not tell people that libraries have money. We have books and story time finger plays and free internet. That's all you're allowed to say.

Stop Snitching?

Librarians ain't snitches. But should they be?

According to this story, some cops in New York wanted the Hendrick Hudson Free Library to help them gather evidence on a man accused of accessing child pornography on library computers. But the library is refusing to assist in the investigation.

Linda Berns, director of the Lower Hudson Valley chapter of the New York Civil Liberties Union, said, "There is some expectation of privacy in a library. Librarians have a very strong code of privacy and individual rights."

The police say the library board is not cooperating. But the police have the perp's identity and the computer he was using, so I'm not sure what other cooperation they expect. The director admits that the library board refuses to cooperate, but I'm still not sure how. Obviously, there isn't enough evidence for the police to get a warrant without the library's help.

Police say that an "astute librarian" turned in the alleged offender. And library patrons feel that these scumbags should be caught, but what can happen sometimes when librarians snitch?

In Tulare County, Calif., a librarian at the Lindsay Branch Library was discharged by her supervisor last year after she called authorities about a man who apparently was viewing child pornography on a library computer.

So librarians can be punished for reporting criminal activity in the library? Okay, maybe just in California.

Viewing child pornography is considered possession, whether a person looks at it on a computer or downloads the images, the Westchester County District Attorney's Office said. It's a felony, punishable by up to four years in state prison.

Yes, library users have some expectation of privacy. But that should only be in combination with the library user's desire for privacy. I can't pretend that I don't see you looking at child porn when your computer monitor is in the open for everyone to see. And yes, we have "porn" computers. All libraries do. Ours are over there under the poster of a scary monster touching himself that says, "No Children Allowed."

And this has always been my problem with the Internet. Computers, by their design, are not private. You are sitting in front of a 17-inch monitor. If you wanted privacy with what you were doing, you wouldn't be broadcasting it on 140 square inches of LCD flat screen in front of fifty strangers.

Maybe you want to be caught? And as a librarian, I should help you to find what you want.

But librarians are screwed regardless. If we turn people in, we get criticized or even fired for violating privacy. And if we do nothing, our family users will cease visiting because our libraries will become safe havens for monsters.

So can we make a deal? I won't tell the cops what you do as long as you don't force me to tell the cops what you do. But if I get the chance, for damn sure, I am telling your mom.

Found at the library.

This is not an actual poster found near our library.


okay, credit where credit is due. thanks to Dances With Books for giving me the well-deserved kick in the ass that got me going on making this.

Warning: a big fat guy will murder you.

Americans love to eat.
Americans love to kill.
So it's with an ironic twist that our love for killing criminals is being thwarted by that criminal's love of food.

Apparently some big fat murderer rapist with a headache who's been on death row for 20 years says that Ohio can't execute him because he's too fat.

Now if anyone needs killing, it's a murderer rapist. If I had the power, I would kill all the murderers, and then kill all the rapists. And then I'd clone the murderer rapists so I could kill them over and over and over again.

And, if I had the power, I'd make unicorns real.

We know that obesity is harmful, causing heart disease and diabetes, so aren't we sentencing someone to cruel and unusual punishment when we allow death row inmates to get fat and die slowly from arterial sclerosis? I hear heart attacks are painful, so why can't we just shoot him to keep him from that fate?

Anyway, be careful. We already allow children and people with extremely low intelligence to murder us without fair punishment; now we need to watch out for those fat guys. Except I bet he wasn't fat when he did all that murdering. Damn, now I have to watch out for everybody. Which is pretty much how I live now.

How not to steal library books.

Let this be a lesson to criminals everywhere: if you steal $35,000 worth of library materials, you'll probably get caught. Maybe.

Some guy in the Denver area was convicted of stealing library materials, a reported 1,400 items. One library system estimates his overdues at $11,000.

See, this is why people steal from libraries. You can run up huge fines for unreturned items, which could go to a collection agency, but more often just gets added to your account. And the idea that he could have out 300 items on each of of his seven library cards is amazing. "'One day when he tried to check out a 100 (items) or so, we said: 'That's probably enough.''"

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! That's probably enough? No, that fucking is enough! Now that the asshole is convicted, did you go back and deduct those circulation statistics from last year's totals? No, of course not. All you care about are the numbers.

These libraries are just begging people to steal from them. So many libraries don't require any ID for a library card. Or they allow unlimited borrowing privileges. You have people who wonder how our profession is crapped-upon by the public and our elected officials; it's because we devalue ourselves!

We are caretakers of privacy and we are caretakers of property. We are given a responsibility to manage all this property, and we continue to perpetuate an environment where criminals thrive. "Sure, take 200 DVDs. Sure, hang around in the bathroom for hours. Sure, intimidate other patrons and library staff."

You can hate me if you want, by my library will not turn into a fucking circus on my watch.

And for all you would-be thieves, here is lesson one on how to steal library materials:

Get some Avery 8160 labels and print out this image. That gives you 30 automatic Withdrawn stickers. Now, when you steal crap to sell on Craigslist, put a sticker over the library label or somewhere on the title page so the customers don't get too suspicious.





Or ideally, move to Denver, but keep your check-outs to 99 items at a time.

[the.effing.librarian is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hallliburrton and does not condone stealing (...small amounts). But don't steal.]