I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Whenever Alec Baldwin is on SNL, I wish I could get him to perform this sketch. Yes, I wrote this all by myself. And yes, I think it's funny.

And again, I'm sorry for this.

Cast:
Alec Baldin as Pete Schweddy (original appearances here and here)
John Goodman as Richard Fitz (a new character)

(this is basically the sketch... since it will never be performed, I've never actually written it out on paper)

Pete: Hello, I'm Pete Schweddy. You may remember me from my appearances on National Public Radio's program, The Delicious Dish when we discussed my popular holiday Schweddy Balls.

Richard: (makes yummy sounds)

Pete: And my delicious, meaty Schweddy Weiner.

Pete introduces his Friend, Richard Fitz, who runs a Bed and Breakfast called, The Dick Fitz Inn.

[............anyway... this goes on... until...]

Pete: So Richard and I are here to announce our partnership on opening our combined B&B and eating emporium, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn.

...

That's it. That's the joke. I just want to hear Alec Baldwin say, The Schweddy-Dick Fitz Inn. Yes, it's infantile. But hilarious.

And as I said earlier, I'm sorry. Here, as an apology, is the original Pete Schweddy sketch:

What'chu Say?

Porn bill would put onus on libraries: Here is a headline from the Springfield Post-Dispatch in Illinois, and it's the usual story about how public libraries are supposed to use filtering software on their Internet computers to block access to porn sites. The story includes the typical liberal "wild-eyed assholery" (wow, thanks National Lampoon, I'm finally able to use that phrase in a sentence) from a librarian about how filtering software violates free speech or clubs baby seals ("it blocks legitimate access to breast cancer sites"-- yes, I believe the software blocks http://www.letmecheckoutyourtits.com/).

Use software; don't use software. Let old dudes masturbate in front of the kids. I don't care how you run your library. The only thing I take offense with is the use of the word "onus" in the headline. I don't think anyone should ever put the words porn and onus in the same sentence. Some words should remain at a distance. The editor should know this. You don't write, Champion eater swallows most weiners or Fire marshal examines hoses. And you don't put onus next to porn. It sounds too much like anus or penis, and that just gives me the giggles.