WWLR (What Would Lindsay Read).

Here are a former prison librarian's suggestions for what Lindsay Lohan should read while she serves her sentence.

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to do some jail time. But with celebrities, jail "time" is relative to their money and fame and gender and race. So do the math, and Lindsay will get very little "jail" with her time. She'll do about 14 of her 90 days and be away from the general population, so any "Caged Heat" fantasies I imagine are purely my own invention, as usual.

Hmmmm....

[begin fantasy]

Lindsay Lohan sits cross-legged on her D. Porthault voile linen sheets she had smuggled into jail when she requested the kosher meal. A single strap of her Guia La Bruna silk chemise dangles from her creamy shoulder and rests just above her perfect breast as she reads aloud from Don Juan in the Village to her secret fellow inmates she cannot see beyond the walls that guarantee her solitude.

But moments later, after Lindsay runs into a word she doesn't understand, she stops reading, and an autographed photo from Mean Girls and a pack of Marlboro 100's work to bribe the guard to unlock her cage and set her free. Silently, catlike, she steps out to meet the other prison girls. One is from Trinidad and Lindsay loves her accent. One is Japanese and Lindsay loves her silky black hair. And one is kinda dim and says her favorite movie is Herbie Fully Loaded, but Lindsay says it's her favorite, too. And later, they vajazzle each other.

[end fantasy]

So yeah, I don't give a crap what Lindsay reads during her 14-day, taxpayer funded vacation. Because with her fame and money, she's still going to be living better than me.

Oh crap, my generic, no-name brand Spaghetti-O-like pasta product is burning on the fire I made from discarded library romance paperbacks to cook my food. Again!

I don't know who this is...

that's gotta win me some kind of prize, right?


E!Online says this is Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and that he is famous for something, so he just got a book deal. To write one, not to read one. Even though the story says he's holding a copy of Walden on purpose, and not at all thinking, "Wow, the Cheesecake Factory menus keep getting bigger, let's see what I want for lunch... 'that I did not use tea, nor coffee, nor butter, nor milk, nor fresh meat, and so did not have to work to get them...' what the hell kind of menu is this???"

But what's really good is the E! asks what The Situation would call his book, maybe The Old Man and the Situation? And then lots of comments add to this: The Situation in the Rye, etc.

But since we just suffered that recent trend where it seemed everyone was turning public domain works into horror novels, it seems like it would be a "good" idea to just take an old book and add in The Situation as a character and not create a whole bunch of new sentences.

Someone just get their butt over to Project Gutenberg and start editing, assuming The Situation got that trademark thing settled:
The Situation and Prejudice by Jane Austen and The Situation
Adventures of Huckleberry the Situation by Mark Twain with The Situation
The Dracula Situation by Bram Stoker with The Situation
The Situation and Peace by Leo Tolstoy and The Situation
Metamorphosis of The Situation by Franz Kafka and The Situation
The Situation, Old and New Testaments, by God and The Situation
Les Situàtionables by Victor Hugo and Le Situation

Rolling Stone Keith Richards wanted to be a librarian - big effing deal.

According to a story in the Daily Mail, Richards "consider[ed] 'professional training' to manage his vast collection of books," but gave up "on the idea because it was 'too much hassle.'"

Oh, it's easy to say you "wanted to be a librarian." But it's another thing to do it and live the life. Sure, it's easy to choose the path of a rock-n-roll star, doing heroin and sleeping with supermodels, but the life of dusty book allergies and hand-sanitizer abuse is not for the weak.

All this is revealed as Richards works on a new autobiography. "'I’m trying to remember things,' says Richards, 'which is very difficult.'" In fact, after he thought about it longer, it wasn't a librarian he wanted to be, it was "Fabian, ...or was it a comedian? Wait, maybe it was a Trinidadian... bloody hell."