MEDIA RELEASE. The Results of the Most Complete and Authoritative Library Sex Poll EVER.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

Researchers at the.effing.librarian have completed an international survey which studied the sexual habits of library users. The survey did not limit the survey to librarians as that would just depress us all, but opened to responses up to everyone who has ever visited a library. Particularly those few who continue to grind their frustrated groins against my ripe backside as I bend for a book on the lower shelves when we all know there is more than enough room in that aisle for both of us. Not that your eagerness isn't appreciated. FYI, I'm usually at the Reference desk from 2-4.

And through the Twitter "retweets" and Facebook messages, over 85,000 respondents told the truth about what you, the English-reading people of Earth, do, hopefully with another person, in the aisles and under the tables and in the study rooms at the local library.

And you are a filthy lot. Just filthy. You all should be ashamed.

The 85,000 individuals, give or take, responded to this question:

Sex in the Library Poll. Choose one answer for the farthest you've ever gone in the library. Any library. And if you've ever visited the Clinton Presidential Library and Museum to reenact a moment from history, we can assume that means "3rd Base."

The choices for responses were:

• 1st Base: kissing.
• 2nd Base: touching. Usually over the clothes touching.
• 3rd Base: kissing and touching that requires some extra cleaning up after.
  Or not. Oh, you're bad. I mean good. Very good.
• Home Run: you'd know it if you did it. You'd definitely felt guilt or
  embarrassment later.

The purpose of the survey was to determine how sexy people find the environment of the library, how comfortable people find the furniture in the library, and indirectly, how my butt looks in these pants.

Responses broke down into these percentages, in order of popularity:

2nd Base: 32%
Home Run: 25%
1st Base: 23%
3rd Base: 17%

This shows that 55% of you, the 1st and 2nd basers, are respectful of the learning environment that libraries provide. Until some line from Dickinson gets you all hot and bothered enough to act. But still, you're pussies because you stop before you get to the really good stuff. Grow a pair, you embarrass yourselves.

And as for you Home Runners; whereas I might feel tempted to call you all liars... LIARS... a look around the library at all the used condoms seems to support your braggadocio. Braggadocio? Oh yes, I could have said "cockiness." But I think you've had enough of that already.

The 3rd basers fell into the minority. The researchers felt that they would like to conduct some additional testing with this group. In the back seat of my 1972 Ford Galaxie. Yes, this is for science.

More data from the Survey of the Blogowhatsit.

My original post based on Meredith's survey and a bag of Funyuns suffered from a complete lack of malt liquor, so the results were a little skewed. A visit to the 7-11 fixed that, so now I'm ready to report on the corrected statistics:

In resonse to "How do you rate yourself on technology?"

• 67% of you are Spock-savvy
• 33% of you have put the wrong end of a pencil into the sharpener

In response to "Have you ever published professionally?"

• 14% asked, "Does talesoftheslayer.com count?"

In response to "Survey? What survey?"

• 63% of you add up the percents in surveys
• 39 % of you write to the researcher if the percents don't add up to 100
  

Interesting fact from the survey

• 21% of you learned to add using "chisenbop." Or, based on this tutorial, "freaky cannibal math" (what's going on with that guy's fingers???)

Why am I Animal Farm?

You're Animal Farm!
by George Orwell
You are living proof that power corrupts and whoever leads you will
become just as bad as the past leaders. You're quite conflicted about this emotionally
and waver from hopelessly idealistic to tragically jaded. Ultimately, you know you can't
trust pigs. Your best moments are when you're down on all fours.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Why can't I be Cat's Cradle by Vonnegut? That book is a better representation of how I see my life.
Where you and I live and where you work force associations with unimportant things. These are fabrications, not part of who we really are.
But getting here, if you feel like "here" is a special place, is a real community. You found this page based on your common interests. Your arrival here was fated from the moment you discovered yourself, or you found your way here because you're searching for yourself. Either way, you do have a checking account, don't you?
Send all your money to: 58000 Card Sound Rd, Key Largo, FL USA. (No, I don't live there. It's a bar you should visit if you're in the neighborhood.)

I should be a cult leader. The Cult of The.Effing.Librarian. That would look good on a tee-shirt.

Interesting Facts from the Survey of the Blogowhatsit 2007

I don't have the credentials to conduct a survey that would get back any results other than "go eff yourself."

But Meredith Farkas conducted a thorough survey and I can offer you some of the revealing data, as I interpret it.

1. 37% of you pronounce it "blarg" not "blog," although the true pronunciation is "chumba-wumba."

2. 64% of you blog anonymously while 36% use your real names but wear a disguise: 33% choose a false mustache; 10%, large hat and dark glasses; 7%, Lord Voldemort mask; 50%, leather hood.

3. Most bloggers were born in the Year of the Ox. Yeah, get out those calculators.

4. 29% of bloggers have missed an important event due to blogging: 15% of men blogged through the birth of their child as did 6% of women.

5. 99% of you blog naked.

I hope this has sated your info-lust for your fellow bloggers. Now put some pants on.