Monday, May 31, 2010

MEDIA RELEASE. The Results of the Most Complete and Authoritative Library Sex Poll EVER.


Researchers at the.effing.librarian have completed an international survey which studied the sexual habits of library users. The survey did not limit the survey to librarians as that would just depress us all, but opened to responses up to everyone who has ever visited a library. Particularly those few who continue to grind their frustrated groins against my ripe backside as I bend for a book on the lower shelves when we all know there is more than enough room in that aisle for both of us. Not that your eagerness isn't appreciated. FYI, I'm usually at the Reference desk from 2-4.

And through the Twitter "retweets" and Facebook messages, over 85,000 respondents told the truth about what you, the English-reading people of Earth, do, hopefully with another person, in the aisles and under the tables and in the study rooms at the local library.

And you are a filthy lot. Just filthy. You all should be ashamed.

The 85,000 individuals, give or take, responded to this question:

Sex in the Library Poll. Choose one answer for the farthest you've ever gone in the library. Any library. And if you've ever visited the Clinton Presidential Library and Museum to reenact a moment from history, we can assume that means "3rd Base."

The choices for responses were:

  • 1st Base: kissing.
  • 2nd Base: touching. Usually over the clothes touching.
  • 3rd Base: kissing and touching that requires some extra cleaning up after.
    Or not. Oh, you're bad. I mean good. Very good.
  • Home Run: you'd know it if you did it. You'd definitely felt guilt or
    embarrassment later.

The purpose of the survey was to determine how sexy people find the environment of the library, how comfortable people find the furniture in the library, and indirectly, how my butt looks in these pants.

Responses broke down into these percentages, in order of popularity:

2nd Base: 32%
Home Run: 25%
1st Base: 23%
3rd Base: 17%

This shows that 55% of you, the 1st and 2nd basers, are respectful of the learning environment that libraries provide. Until some line from Dickinson gets you all hot and bothered enough to act. But still, you're pussies because you stop before you get to the really good stuff. Grow a pair, you embarrass yourselves.

And as for you Home Runners; whereas I might feel tempted to call you all liars... LIARS... a look around the library at all the used condoms seems to support your braggadocio. Braggadocio? Oh yes, I could have said "cockiness." But I think you've had enough of that already.

The 3rd basers fell into the minority. The researchers felt that they would like to conduct some additional testing with this group. In the back seat of my 1972 Ford Galaxie. Yes, this is for science.