Monday, August 4, 2008

Warning: a big fat guy will murder you.

Americans love to eat.
Americans love to kill.
So it's with an ironic twist that our love for killing criminals is being thwarted by that criminal's love of food.

Apparently some big fat murderer rapist with a headache who's been on death row for 20 years says that Ohio can't execute him because he's too fat.

Now if anyone needs killing, it's a murderer rapist. If I had the power, I would kill all the murderers, and then kill all the rapists. And then I'd clone the murderer rapists so I could kill them over and over and over again.

And, if I had the power, I'd make unicorns real.

We know that obesity is harmful, causing heart disease and diabetes, so aren't we sentencing someone to cruel and unusual punishment when we allow death row inmates to get fat and die slowly from arterial sclerosis? I hear heart attacks are painful, so why can't we just shoot him to keep him from that fate?

Anyway, be careful. We already allow children and people with extremely low intelligence to murder us without fair punishment; now we need to watch out for those fat guys. Except I bet he wasn't fat when he did all that murdering. Damn, now I have to watch out for everybody. Which is pretty much how I live now.