Wednesday, July 28, 2010

WWLR (What Would Lindsay Read).

Here are a former prison librarian's suggestions for what Lindsay Lohan should read while she serves her sentence.

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to do some jail time. But with celebrities, jail "time" is relative to their money and fame and gender and race. So do the math, and Lindsay will get very little "jail" with her time. She'll do about 14 of her 90 days and be away from the general population, so any "Caged Heat" fantasies I imagine are purely my own invention, as usual.


[begin fantasy]

Lindsay Lohan sits cross-legged on her D. Porthault voile linen sheets she had smuggled into jail when she requested the kosher meal. A single strap of her Guia La Bruna silk chemise dangles from her creamy shoulder and rests just above her perfect breast as she reads aloud from Don Juan in the Village to her secret fellow inmates she cannot see beyond the walls that guarantee her solitude.

But moments later, after Lindsay runs into a word she doesn't understand, she stops reading, and an autographed photo from Mean Girls and a pack of Marlboro 100's work to bribe the guard to unlock her cage and set her free. Silently, catlike, she steps out to meet the other prison girls. One is from Trinidad and Lindsay loves her accent. One is Japanese and Lindsay loves her silky black hair. And one is kinda dim and says her favorite movie is Herbie Fully Loaded, but Lindsay says it's her favorite, too. And later, they vajazzle each other.

[end fantasy]

So yeah, I don't give a crap what Lindsay reads during her 14-day, taxpayer funded vacation. Because with her fame and money, she's still going to be living better than me.

Oh crap, my generic, no-name brand Spaghetti-O-like pasta product is burning on the fire I made from discarded library romance paperbacks to cook my food. Again!