Can I get a printout of that?

Yes.

If you are a complete idiot, then yes, you may have a printout.

About 15 years ago, you all decided that you wanted everything online so that you could search for stuff through your computers. And last year, you all suddenly wanted all this shit through your phones. So why the hell do you keep asking us to print stuff out for you?

I can understand that you need some things printed; that scannable code for your airline or hotel or cruise ship reservation; your earnings for your tax records; that screen capture of "Snooki" getting clocked for your wedding invitations.

But don't ask me to print out all of our DVDs or audiobooks. Because it's clear you don't know what the hell you want. And don't ask for any printed catalog or card catalog because all you did was complain when we had those.

All the records are in a database containing about one million records. The only person who would want that printed out is someone who either doesn't know what a database is or can't comprehend numbers above one hundred. Yes, meaning you, with that interest-only mortgage that got your house taken from you.

But yes, you can print out everything the library has. You can get about 10 items per page, divided by one million items equals 100,000 pages. At fifteen cents a page, you can print out all of our items for $15,000. And at about twenty pages a minute, it will only take you about a month to do it.

So keep asking for printouts like it's still 1988, and then demand that the library pay for Kindle audiobook downloads because you're "going green."

Is that your 1978 Cutlass Supreme with the windows open? What's that get, around 15 mpg?

B*A*D '09 (Blog Action Day)

This year bloggers from around the world unite to fight a common enemy: Denver, Colorado.

The official issue this year is Climate Change, but one of the potentially catastrophic effects of a warmer climate is the rising oceans, and which American city would survive when the ice melts and the seas rise and the world is under water? Leadville, Colorado, the highest town in the continental United States.

What? You don't know where that is? That's why I picked Denver, which is only about fifty miles from Leadville and has way more Starbucks. So it's that much more evil.

When the polar ice caps melt, Denver will be high and dry and ready to host the Summer Olympics even though it was finally going to be Reykjavík's turn, except Iceland's been completely submerged since the previous Thursday.

And Climate Change won't just cause melting ice to force polar bears to move south to eat Canadians, but it could actually force the bears into hunting for food in Chicago, Illinois, one of our fattest, and hence, tastiest cities. Polar bears can smell pepperoni-stuffed Chicagoans from 30 miles away.

Come on, humans, let's get our thermal and chemical output under control. Because the planet doesn't need us. It did just fine with the dinosaurs before we were even monkey-people.

And if we don't fix the planet, I'm not sure what animals are going to take over after we're gone. But there's a cockroach on top of my refrigerator wearing a life preserver and sunblock who's giving me the stink eye, so that could be a clue.

Gamers are dirty, planet-killers.

I didn't know this:

Worldwide computer use requires 14 power stations for the necessary electricity, producing more harmful carbon dioxide emissions than the entire airline industry -- not including the emissions created and manufacturing and shipping around the products in the first place.
And games consoles -- of which 62 million were sold in last year -- are the gas guzzlers of this industry, using huge amounts of energy to generate the necessary mindblowing graphics and sounds.
When played online, they are linked up to huge server farms which use even more energy. (-source AFP at Yahoo).

But I kinda guessed this part:

"I don't care, we're all going to die anyway," says 17-year-old Christian.

"Most people who play games don't really think at all of the environment, they think about the fun factor," says 22-year-old Sebastian.

Seventeen-year-old Geld from the Netherlands shrugs as the sound of music in the windowless hall pumps louder and louder.

"A washing machine uses more energy than a computer," he says, turning to get on with his game, fingers working madly on the buttons.

So gamers don't care about the environment, and apparently, don't wash their clothes. And we think appealing to them is going to save libraries. Oh, help us.