Monday, February 8, 2010

Can I get a printout of that?


If you are a complete idiot, then yes, you may have a printout.

About 15 years ago, you all decided that you wanted everything online so that you could search for stuff through your computers. And last year, you all suddenly wanted all this shit through your phones. So why the hell do you keep asking us to print stuff out for you?

I can understand that you need some things printed; that scannable code for your airline or hotel or cruise ship reservation; your earnings for your tax records; that screen capture of "Snooki" getting clocked for your wedding invitations.

But don't ask me to print out all of our DVDs or audiobooks. Because it's clear you don't know what the hell you want. And don't ask for any printed catalog or card catalog because all you did was complain when we had those.

All the records are in a database containing about one million records. The only person who would want that printed out is someone who either doesn't know what a database is or can't comprehend numbers above one hundred. Yes, meaning you, with that interest-only mortgage that got your house taken from you.

But yes, you can print out everything the library has. You can get about 10 items per page, divided by one million items equals 100,000 pages. At fifteen cents a page, you can print out all of our items for $15,000. And at about twenty pages a minute, it will only take you about a month to do it.

So keep asking for printouts like it's still 1988, and then demand that the library pay for Kindle audiobook downloads because you're "going green."

Is that your 1978 Cutlass Supreme with the windows open? What's that get, around 15 mpg?