Top 10 Customer Service Skills for Library Staff.

Marianne Lenox posted a list of customer service skills on her blog, and the first one gives me problems:

1. Greet every customer. Every single patron deserves your eye contact: A smile and a hello are even better.

Actually, I agree with that exact level of customer contact. But don't make me do more than that. One of my real pet peeves is being excessively greeted. I absolutely hate walking into a place to hear someone call out, "Welcome to Schmooly's!"

Employees are always doing this now, right in the middle of whatever they are currently working on. So if I need help, this is what happens:

Welcome to Schmooly's!
Hi, I just need..
I'll be with you in a minute; I'm with another customer.
But you just said, 'Welcome to Schmooly's.' Why would you greet me then ignore me? That doesn't make any sense.

If it's your little store, you can say, "Hi, I'll be with you in a minute." That fills two purposes. One, that you let me know you know I'm in your shop, and two, that you're too busy to stop me from shoplifting a few things then running out. Ooh, handmade note cards.

I've been to meetings about this where the complaint has been, "Make sure you greet every customer!" I do. "Well, you don't do it fast enough."

I greet people as I'm ready to help them. My greeting says, "Hi, I am ready to help you. Now. Yes, right now. Get your ass over here before I leave on break."

I would never say, "Hey, how's it going? Welcome to the library." And then keep walking as the patron asks for help. "Sorry, but there's something more important than you that needs my attention. But, Welcome to the library!"

I think it becomes a problem when my supervisor expects shopping mall behavior. I think it's because I assume people want some privacy while they look at their porn, or their research. If our library attempts to adopt more "fun" ways to greet customers, I'm going to buy a stuffed animal and chuck it at people as they enter the library. "It's fun!" I'll say as I deck an old lady with my stuffed moose. "Welcome to the library!"

The same goes with, 10. Thank them for using the library. I'm not sure when I can fit this into my reference transactions. How about when I'm trying to close up at night?

We'll be closing in five minutes.
We'll be closing in four minutes.
We'll be closing in three minutes.
We'll be closing in two minutes.
We'll be closing in one minute.
The library is now closed. You are all trespassing on government property, which is a felony. The police have been called. Enjoy your time in jail. Thank you for using the library!

I'd like to suggest some alternate Customer Service Skills, but I think I need your help. All I can come up with so far are these:

1. Don't make eye contact.
2. Don't mention the smell.
3. Don't pay attention to the heavy breathing near the magazines.
4. Avoid saying "No," it just makes them angry. Say, "Yes, I'll be with you as soon as I stop screaming."
5. Don't feed the insane.
6. No, there's no monster behind you; your customer has a lazy eye.
7. Never let them see you bleed.
8. Don't eat a big lunch before you have a long desk schedule.
9. Librarians should back each other up because there's safety in numbers.

And the most important one:
Don't whine: you have a job when most of your customers don't.

Whoopsy!

I was just trying to pay a bill online and I received this message along with this image:

There seems to be a problem accessing the site. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please try again later.

Look at this chick with her scales of injustice arms and cocked head and the pointed toe. Nothing says, Oh, well, tough shit. Nothing I can do about it better than that.

"We apologize for the inconvenience" does not go with that image. That is not the apology pose. The apology pose is slightly bowed with hands clasped together. This is an official response from a huge corporation! This the We're a fucking monopoly, so what are you gonna do about it? pose.

Imagine the response from a company that's not so big; maybe they have a picture of a guy taking a dump onto a keyboard.

For all the librarians who suggest that libraries act more like a business, I am personally accepting that challenge and adopting this pose whenever we have a problem in our library.

• The Internet is Down.


• That bathroom is Out of Order.


• We can't ban kids/ the homeless from the library.


• No, I haven't seen your cell phone/ laptop/ keys/ wallet/ toddler.


• All the copies of Twilight are checked out.


• You shouldn't have sat there if the seat was wet.


• Your car got towed because you can't park there.


• You made us have to call 9-1-1.


• Drive-bys happen!


• I'm on break.