Thursday, July 1, 2010

And the Winner is: Exeter, New Hampshire. That's "Random."

I don't know where the hell this came from, but some people keep using "random" to mean [fill in the blank].

I hear, "That's so random!" And I don't know if it's good or bad. It's like "sick," is it good or bad? "Dude, that's sick!"

From what I can tell, either just means, "I want to express some excitement or even disgust, but I grew up in front of a computer, so I don't comprehend social norms, so to avoid the faux pas of choosing wrongly, I will say something that I do not, nor anyone else, truly understand, but we will pretend we do to avoid disappointing our ancestors and the whole of humankind with our ignorance." At least, that's what I hear, anyway.

So to choose my random number number (number number?) I use where I can find the socially acceptable, although entirely unsatisfactory, definition of randomness. They use alien communications from space to generate randomness without realizing that those space fuckers are addicted to roulette and most of their "random" numbers have been falling between 1 and 36. Test it, I dare you. promotes, "true randomness." Bullshit. If I input a range from 1-100 and click the randomizer button, my answer is always a number between 1-100, inclusive. I never get back a "P" or "kumquat" or "a portrait of Lyndon Baines Johnson" or "212." So, no, not random enough for me, Random dot org.

So I just got a "57" and not a "bowling ball", which makes today's winner Exeter, New Hampshire.

Congratulations, Exeter!

"Exeter." That sounds pretty snobbish. Is that one of those WASPy places filled with Buffys and Tads? Damn you, Exeter, and your manicured lawns and tennis pros. I bet you boast many Congressmen and judges from your fine city. But what evil lurks beneath, Exeter? Is your lacrosse team playing on the "up and up"? What? Oh, President Lincoln once traveled there to visit his son at school? Oh, that's different. I'm sure you're a fine place to live.

But wait, Dan Brown lives in Exeter? Author of The Da Vinci Code? The Da Vinci Code!!!!!!! Damn you to hell, Exeter!!!

Oh, well, we can't all be perfect.