Sunday, May 30, 2010

It says "Library" in the name.

I was just reading an article that asks the question, How can you spot a diploma mill?

And the title of this post is the punchline. No, not funny? Are you sure about that?

The article mentions ways to identify real, accredited institutions by checking the U. S. Department of Education database and by spotting the fake ones by their celebrity endorsements. Or by how much credit the school gives for "life experience."

I was once graded on my presentation of Marcia Brown's Once a Mouse, does that count as real library work?

But maybe there are no current library school diploma mills. Maybe library life experience is not considered valuable enough to be exploited by scam artists.

Maybe, until now.

The.effing.librarian is proud to announce the opening of The Effing University of Library and Social Media & Life Experience College distance learning library school.

Wow. You know this has to be a good school if both the words University and College are in the name.

Check out this promotional material:

Have you ever wondered if you could qualify to be a librarian? Did you ever want to enter the exciting world of book buying, book processing, book lending and book drop snake wrangling? Well, now you can.

In addition to your life experience, which is the experience you get from life, especially experience from life you get in a library, The Effing University of Library and Social Media & Life Experience College provides quality experience, content and understanding, all in a state-of-the-art educational setting.

(The "state-of-the-art educational setting" is dependent on your home setting as The Effing University of Library and Social Media & Life Experience College is a distance-learning only college-university. So if your home computer is old and your learning area is the kitchen table, then this guarantee of "state-of-the-art" is not guaranteed. Also, quality is not guaranteed.)

If you ever wanted to be part of this exciting environment, answer the simple questions on the back of this bag of cat litter.

A professional library scholar will judge your answers and send your letter of acceptance containing your diploma in two to three weeks, just in time for your check to clear.

Answer these simple questions to the best of your ability:

How many copies of And Tango Makes Three should you buy for a school library in Alaska or Florida?

How quickly does the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue get stolen in any library?
(Answer should be in "minutes.")

Which department handles each of these clean-up situations? Assign each department once to a single event, Reference, Circulation, Childrens:

  1. Vomit in the bathroom:
  2. Blood on the keyboard:
  3. Poo on the carpet:

Essay: What do you do with your Dragon Balls?

And that's it. Send these answers along with your check for $12,000 to me and I'll get that diploma right out. But if you can't wait, print up this one, ...but I'll be needing that check...