Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Super Bowl Etiquette = Library Etiquette.

So it's Super Bowl Week. And it's in Miami (okay, near Miami). You add Super Bowl to an already crazy Miami and someone's taking a bullet in his ass. About a thousand someones.

And I'm reading this informative article about strip club etiquette for Super Bowl visitors and it starts to feel a little too familiar, like it might also be about library etiquette. And since thousands of football fans will be in Miami this week, and so many of them will want to use the local libraries, for reading and such, I thought I might add some tips of my own to help make their stay in sunny South Florida safe and bullet-in-the-ass-free.

NOTE: The tips in red are the real strip club tips from Ricky "Disco Rick" Taylor of club King of Diamonds.

At the strip club: Please ask how much each dance costs before you have a girl dance on you for 20 songs.

At the library: Please ask how much each page costs before you send that 200 page color pdf to the printer because I can't just print out that one page in the middle.

At the strip club: Florida is not all-nude. Miami and parts of Fort Lauderdale are the only places where it's all-nude. You won't see no little stickers on tits here.

At the library: The Library is not all-nude. Back by the foreign language books and in the corner by the government docs are the only places you can bareass it. No, not by the Large Print books. Dear, God, not by the Large Print. My Nana might be there.

At the strip club: When a dancer tells security that she gave you 12 dances and you say she gave you six, who are we going to believe — her drunk ass or your drunk ass? Her drunk ass.

At the library: When the computer tells you that your Internet session is over in 2 minutes and you say you didn't get a full half-hour, who are we going to believe -- your ugly, stupid, stupid, stupid, ugly, stupid ass or the computer? The computer.

At the strip club: We're the guards of the prison, and the strippers are the prisoners. You have to remember, they're drunk too.

At the library: Not much I'd change on that one: Librarians are the guards, the prisoners, and with any luck, drunk as hell.

At the strip club: Once you throw up, you're escorted out. And we take your keys. You have to call somebody to pick you up, or we'll take your phone and call for you. Whoever's been calling you the most, that's who we call. That could be your wife or your girlfriend.

At the library: Once you throw up, you're escorted out. But one of the librarians will probably offer to drive you home. Yeah, we're stupid that way.

So there you have it. Welcome to South Florida. Go Saints.