Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am stupider than a first-grader.

My girlfriend (yeah, if you can believe that.. more like my one friend from the local chapter of the Graham Chapman Penguin-on-the-Telly Appreciation Society... yes, that's a real thing), well, my girlfriend was going through a box of her old stuff from when she was a child and she found this booklet of skills she'd learned in school or daycare or whatever. She said it was from when she was five years old.

Each page said something like, "I can count to 25." And "I know all the months of the year." And "I know my telephone number." And one even said, "I know the parts of a flower."

And I thought, crap, do I still know the parts of a flower? That was one of those things that every kid knew. So I tried to remember: stems, leaves, petals, stamen, pistle, roots, and something about xylem, phloem, chlorophyl and chloroplasts. Yes, I know a couple of those things are spelled wrong because I just looked them up in the World Book Encyclopedia.

But the misspellings aren't as bad as my thinking that the vas deferens was a part of a plant. Well, I knew it wasn't, but I couldn't remember what was, and vas deferens kept popping into my head. Get out of my head, vas deferens! Plants don't use you to reproduce!

The Viola Public Library District in Illinois is holding an "Are You Smarter Than A Librarian?" contest, and I am not remotely qualified to be a contestant. I know nothing.

I always wonder what it would be like if I had to survive with just my wits, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. My first thought is, wow, I would look awesome if I could lose forty pounds and got a nice tan. Then I think about how I would find water and how I would make fire. And then how I would wax my back and trim my nose hair. In case a boatload of supermodels found me.

But the point is that I'm pretty stupid. But I fit right in with a society that values its PowerPoint presentations. Here, I am a King. Well, more like a Baron. My PowerPoints aren't that good, either.