Friday, March 27, 2009

What I learned.

If I learned anything this week, it's that babies are a hot topic. If I want more people to put my blog posts on their Facebook pages, then I need to post more crap about babies.

I would love to have kids, but my imaginary girlfriend doesn't want to ruin her figure by allowing me to crush her tiny body with my superhuman strength. Oh, she'd love imaginary kids to go with our imaginary relationship, but only with someone who won't pulverize her pelvis into dust.

So the.effing.librarian is going to write more about babies. I don't know anything about babies, so I'm going to select random old posts and just substitute the word "baby" for something else, wherever it seems to fit. I'm going to start by taking something from over there where it says, "posts to read if what's up top sucks."

What's in your baby bag?

I have a "baby bag." It's what I take with me when a friend calls for baby help. I like my baby bag: it's like a heavy duty travel baby case, but without the baby.

In its place are these:

6-12 lb. diaper pre-loaded with crap
external baby warmer (a blanket)
anti-bacterial hand sanitizer
Mashed Peas (why do I have so many jars of mashed peas?)
assorted bottles
breast pump screwdriver tool kit
usb thumb drive loaded with pictures of babies
bottled water

All I need is a tube of "butt paste," and I'd be ready for any baby emergency. Except then my baby nerd status would be certified; so in place of the ointment, I'll carry a flask of Jim Beam. I'll just get one out of my "date with George Clooney" bag. Hey, there's butt paste in there, too!

Wow, that worked better than I'd thought! The.effing.librarian is going to be more popular than ever!!