My girlfriend expects a writing credit for The Vampire Bat.

So my girlfriend just became a Twihard or a Twilighty or whatever you call fans of the Twilight series.

We were driving and she was telling me about the book and the movie and the action figures and she said she was at the part where the vampires were playing baseball during the thunderstorm.

And I've seen the movie, so I said, "Yeah, whoever wrote that knows nothing about physics. To hit a ball that hard so it sounds like thunder would just shatter the wooden bat. And what vampire wants to be near a hunk of wood shaped like a dagger."

[Yes, I now know the vampires use metal bats in the movie. Which makes sense, fear of stakes and all. I'm just relating our discussion as we had it.]

And she said the bat wouldn't break because it's a vampire bat. They have special bats so vampires can play baseball. And then I said, "Okay, so the vampires leave a vampire bat in the woods and a human boy finds it. And he takes it to his next baseball game, and he's normally just an average hitter, but now he finds he can hit home runs nearly all the time. So he realizes it's the bat. It looks like a normal bat, but every time he hits a ball, it flies about 300 feet or more.

And just when he's getting used to all the fame his hitting is bringing, he's now the most famous player on the team at his school, the vampires find him because they want their bat back. Humans aren't supposed to have these things and they ask him to give it back. But he lies to them and says he doesn't know what they're talking about.

So that's our story. The Vampire Bat. Or my story. Copyright protection only kicks in after you write it down.

Notes: the story probably only works as a juvenile book because of the goofy nature of a "vampire bat." It could work as an adult tale like "The Natural" if you want the story to be about loss and redemption instead of vampires.

And the usual devices must be included:
protagonist has a weird friend who if fascinated with some area that has been fruitless until now, and his or her help become useful in battling the current threat, or he's just around to be funny;
a girl or boy who likes our hero but the hero does not recognize the importance of the relationship until later;
a desirable partner usually out of the hero's reach, who is suddenly interested because of the hero's new found fame, i.e, the "hot girl";
parents who are non-existent or oblivious to the problem;

possible plot twists:
parent or teacher who knows about the threat or has similar childhood experience as the hero;
the bat only works at night;
the bat needs blood, or has other powers;

...Yeah, I'll get on this as soon as I finish all this important sleeping and eating I have scheduled and as soon as I can verify that RL Stine didn't write this same story ten years ago.

Twilight, Effing Twilight

Here is my obligatory Twilight post. Which I know nothing about. Except that I thought the movie would satisfy the no Harry Potter movie this season withdrawal because there's no Supernatural for the rest of the year, and I need some kind of PG-13 scary-action-hero fix.

But now I see from reviews that the movie version of Twilight is just some beautiful brooding poets jumping through the forest who want to see their lives shine, like A Chorus Line, but with more choreography.

So I think I'll skip this. Because really, what old man wants to sit in a dark movie theater surrounded by teenage girls?

Zombies and mummies and Elvis, (oh, my)

Mini review of Meow, Baby! by Jason. ISBN 1560976950.

Zombies eating people under an umbrella while it rains. Vampires, mummies and skeletons chasing people then stopping for photo ops before continuing the chase. A "Terminator" slapping himself after forgetting to use his catch phrase. Most of these wordless comic strips by Jason are pretty funny.

Some of it gets a little sexual (a few panels are a lot sexual), but otherwise most of these cartoons are great examples for teens to learn the art of telling a story without words. If your library teaches kids how to do webcomics, some of Jason's strips can be really helpful (and most are pretty funny).

I really liked one with the vampire out at a bar, but he couldn't hook up so he gets a beer and some snacks and goes home to watch TV; and just as he's nodding off, Professor Van Helsing jumps out and plunges a stake through the vampire's heart. I know I hate it when someone interrupts my nap to kill me.

I remember after I saw The Last Man on Earth with Vincent Price (and not that completely stupid "blockbuster" starring Will Smith) and wondered what it was like for the vampires he hunted. Like if they published a newspaper with headlines like,

DAYTIME KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
"We were completely helpless," reports the lone survivor of the brutal mid-day attack. "Once the sun is in the sky and he knocks down the door and lets in all that sunlight, there's no way to defend yourself. And the garlic! He it throws through the window like a bomb, and you don't have any choice but to run, screaming, into that deadly blinding light. Look at the burns on my face! I barely escaped with my life. He's a menace and must be stopped."
Council members have sent good will ambassadors to the human's lair, but their pleas have fallen on deaf ears, often meeting a brutal and irrational reply from him.
Many demand a stronger response from our leaders. "We are a civilized race," says the Council Leader, "why can't we all just get along?"

I'd love to see a movie told from the other side.

In this example from the book, the Martian is kidnapping women (because Mars Needs Women), but only after getting sidetracked by the fantastic collection of library books available to all visitors. [c2005, Jason]

What I will do if I become a vampire.

If I am ever turned or infected or whatever thing happens that transmits vampirism to non-vampires, the first thing I will do is walk out into the sunshine.

I would walk out into the sun, partly because I would forget that it can kill me, partly because I'm to cool to care if I burst into flames and become dust, but mostly because I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, blood.

I hate the sight of blood. I hate the taste blood. I hate when I get cut and blood leaves my body. I hate giving blood; I don't care if it's to test for disease to save my life. I hate thinking about blood.

Unlike The Vampire Librarian and this person, I could never be a vampire. No, not even to sleep with Buffy. Or Spike.