Hilary Duff is NOT a librarian...

...or at least not like any librarian I've ever seen that wasn't portrayed on the screen by multi-talented actress, Jenna Jameson.

Starpulse says, Hilary Duff Is Hot In A Librarian Kind Of Way.

Is it the glasses? The bun? Because it for damn sure isn't the flip flops. That's an incident report just waiting to happen. Open-toed shoes on a librarian? What that hell are they thinking? There's big heavy books on them shelves!!

I'm Bringing Sexy Back.

I was just looking at “The Bunheads are Dead,” the cover story from the "first ever Digital Supplement, on Professional Learning," from Amercan Libraries. And it's another one of those, we are so hip, we don't wear belts with our trousers manifestos... or something like that. And it criticizes the hair buns and cats-eye glasses of the "traditional" librarian.

These new librarians can't get away from the nerdbrarian, spinsterbrarian, virginbrarian image fast enough. Hurry and ink or pierce something quick before someone thinks you're uncool. "I am not a traditional librarian," they shout from behind their Coop Devil Girl and flame-covered MacBooks, their radium blue nail polish tapping out tweets, their red Doc Martens laced up to the calf tapping the rhythms that blast through their iPods.

I am not your mother's librarian. I am a super-sexy [boom], sexified [ba-boom], sexylicious [wha-wha-wha-whoom], sexbrarian. (Ow. I think I threw out my hip out on that last thrust.)

But there's nothing sexy about the new librarians. There is no mystery with the new librarians. There is no wonder as in, I wonder what she's like outside of the library. What do you wonder with the new librarians? I wonder if she'll cover up those tattoos. I wonder if she'll put some more metal in her face.

The myth of the sexy librarian dies with the new librarian. The sexy librarian was born from the imagination, from the fantasy. We are compelled to wonder: after all, someone can't look like that all the time. But with the new librarians, yes, they do look like that all the time.

There is an evolutionary imperative to metamorphose. Change symbolizes sexual maturity. When that dowdy librarian slips off her glasses, pulls the pencil from her bun, lets down her hair and shakes free her waves of silken hair, she transforms into the sexy librarian. We want to see the beautiful butterfly change from the ugly caterpillar. How can you have Sexy without the Transformation?

So I'm appealing to all the new, hip, cool librarians: please, don't give up every tradition. If you can wear glasses at work, then do it. Maybe those Buddy Holly ones. And if you can stab some pencils into your faux-hawk, that would help a lot. Thanks. Now that's sexy, baby.

You've seen me naked.

There's a whole chorus of idiot librarians who chant, "Give 'em what they want" when it comes to what libraries should do for the public.

Why the hell did I go to library school to learn liberrianship if all I'm going to do is what people tell me? You think I went to medical school? You think I'm a doctor? You think you can walk in off the street and demand some new drug that you don't need and could probably kill you and that I'll just sign a prescription because the pharmaceutical company gives me a free week in Kyoto if I do? Wait. Bad example.

According to CosmoGirl (yes, I read CosmoGirl; I'm a lifetime subscriber):

A significant percentage of teens (ages 13-19) and young adults (20-26) have electronically sent or posted online nude or semi-nude pictures or videos of themselves:
• 22% of teen girls
• 18% of teen boys
• 36% of young adult women
• 31% of young adult men

[Reposted from USAToday, but the original survey data are here.]

So let's extrapolate some math based on these numbers. If 22% of teen girls and 36% of young adult women have posted naked pictures of themselves online, which is a 63% increase, then by the time you reach the perfectly ripe age of the.effing.librarian, 100% of us have posted pictures or video of ourselves naked on the Internet!

But let's get back to the naked teens. If the girl or boy wants help sending their naked or semi-naked pictures to someone on the Internet, should we help them? Should librarians just give them what they want? There's a whole list of things librarians shouldn't be doing, and when I get some free time, I might compile it, but right now I'm watching Quark, so maybe later.

I think I went to library school to learn what librarians should and shouldn't do. I don't accept free publications from hate groups and distribute them in the library. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm censoring important information. Unfortunately, our job requires us to judge things worthy of distribution. If we only do what people want of us, then why the fuck don't we just keep Amazon.com or some adult DVD site open on a public computer and let everyone order whatever the fuck they want and the library will pay for it?

Because, guess what? We don't fucking do that. Librarians know better than that. Or it seems, up to a point. But don't get me started on that list, the two Betty's are wearing hot pants (yes, still watching Quark).

What we should be telling out patrons is:
"Don't you realize that five minutes after you upload that photo, it's going to be in that guy's email?"
"No, sexxybabii is not a good password."
"Don't you understand how this shit works???!!!"

So go and look for my video; search for librarian and fine booty. I know that's what you want.

Fashion's take on "the sexy librarian"?

What the hell is this? This is the sexy librarian look that the Italalians came up with?

It looks like a miniature game of Twister, "left hand, green."

I think we can expect "sexy librarian" to be the overused descriptor this year. See? I even used it as a tag, that makes it official.



(Italalians?)