I am an FSU graduate. Dammit.

So my girlfriend gets the CCI Connection newsletter from the Florida State University College of Communication & Information. This is what used to be called library school. I hear they may change the name again to the College of Twitter and Facebook Social Networking Interconnectivity. Yes, to be fair, there is still a School of Library & Information Studies at FSU. Jeez, can't a guy make a joke?

I tell her that they never send me their newsletter even though I've told them who I am and gave them my blog address.

"You mean, other than the letter they sent asking you to NOT tell anyone that you are an FSU graduate?" she asks.

"It wasn't a letter, it was a court order," I remind her. "And, yes, other than that, nothing. Ever."

So I am currently looking at the library school website. And they have an option for alumni to "keep in touch" by offering to mentor a current library school student. I would love to mentor a student, I say when I saw that. And I meant it. I wasn't lying or exaggerating even though I'm currently legally drunk in all states except Alaska.

But yes, FSU, well pretty much any, library school students, the.effing.librarian could be your mentor! But what could I do for you? What are my qualifications?

These are true facts:

• I've been doing library stuff for over ten years and am currently employed as a librarian.
• I've worked at several public service library positions of increasing responsibility, mostly in computer instruction and reference.
• I have hired and supervised other library staff.
• I've served on committees, presented at workshops and/or discussions at state and regional conferences, won prestigious, major awards and have never been fired.
• I have no record as a felon in North America.

What kinds of things can I do for you? I don't know. I haven't given it much thought. I guess you ask me stuff and I answer. But with awesome mentoring powers.

Imagine the report you would turn in to your professor:

• Who is your mentor? The.effing.librarian.
• What does the effing librarian mean? I don't know. I found him online. He claims to be a semi-famous blogger... in Japan.
• At which library does he work? I don't know.
• How does your mentor communicate with you? Email only. And through anonymous classified ads in The Hartford Courant.
• Has your mentor ever borrowed money? Yes. But it was for a life-saving operation. Or a sex change, it wasn't really clear. But there was lots of crying.
  Did you know the emoticon for tears looks like this :'-( ?
  And the emoticon for killing three guys in prison looks like this >:'''-[
  My mentor taught me that.