Saturday, August 30, 2008

the imp of the perverse.

I don't trust me.

I often have uncontrollable thoughts about things I shouldn't do, that I absolutely need to do, right now. Dangerous things. But you don't have to worry; I don't have thoughts about doing things to you, just to me.

For example, I used to work as a "courier" and whenever I was sent to pick up an item from this certain building, I would hate having to go up to the third or fourth floors because I would look out over the railing into the atrium and wonder what it would be like to jump.

It would be a strong urge that I easily fought back down. But the problem was that the urge was there, as long as I was up a couple of floors, the urge to jump existed. I don't why or where it came from, it was just I knew absolutely that I shouldn't jump over the rail, so obviously something inside of me wanted me to do it. My fear was I would get distracted and forget to fight it and then suddenly find myself in a freefall.

They're outrageous thoughts that I can control, but the point is that I shouldn't have them.

Which brings me to this story: SCU student dies in apparent suicide inside campus library.
"A 19-year-old Santa Clara University student died Thursday night after falling from a third-floor railing at the school library, according to Santa Clara police.
Police spokesman Mike Sellers said Friday morning that the student's death appeared to be a suicide. He fell 40 feet from an atrium in the new library complex at 7:40 p.m."
And I wonder if he was just a fellow sufferer who forgot to shut out that tiny voice: "Jump."

So I'm glad I work in a single-story library. That happens to be near a busy avenue. With lots of traffic. And sometimes when I stand on the corner and the cars race by, I look out into the masses of speeding metal boxes and the voice whispers, "Run."