I don't really have any plans except that I need to get out of town. And I mean now.
I've been interviewing job candidates for the past two weeks. This is the process where I get to write down Ha! on the interview form when I ask the question, "Why do you want to work in a library?"
Invariably, the otherwise qualified adult answers: "Libraries are quiet. I've always wanted a job in a nice, quiet library."
At that point, the Ha! is added.
It would be awesome if the candidate would explain that there's some medical need for the peace and quiet:
ME: You have a medical need for the peace and quiet?
CANDIDATE: Um, yes. Um, nervous flatulence.
ME: Nervous flatulence? (writing Ha! again on the interview sheet.)
That's really a thing?
CANDIDATE: When I get nervous, I get gassy. You know, farty.
ME: (pausing to write, omg ha ha ha) So you fart when you get nervous?
CANDIDATE: Uh huh.
ME: Are you farting now?
CANDIDATE: No. Just when I'm nervous.
ME: (yelling) I don't make you nervous?!
CANDIDATE: Oops, too late.
ME: So you'll get all farty whenever something bothers you?
CANDIDATE: Like clockwork.
ME: How about some kids fighting?
ME: Old dude looking at porn?
ME: Are you loud? You know, because this is a library.
CANDIDATE: You didn't hear anything, did you?
ME: (intrigued with the idea of having my own trouble-seeking fart-machine to punish library hooligans) If you can you use Microsoft Word, you're hired.
So like I said, I'm off. And while I'm gone, don't steal my stuff. I know how many Pop-Tarts I have left in the box.