I am gone.

The first draft of this post told you where I was going, but I don't need you all following me around slathering me with your adoration. Unless there are drinks included. Fruity drinks with large pineapple rings hanging over the rim... No? How about a beer? I slave over this hot oven and you won't even buy me a beer?! Alright, forget it. I'm not telling you where I'm going.

I don't really have any plans except that I need to get out of town. And I mean now.

I've been interviewing job candidates for the past two weeks. This is the process where I get to write down Ha! on the interview form when I ask the question, "Why do you want to work in a library?"
Invariably, the otherwise qualified adult answers: "Libraries are quiet. I've always wanted a job in a nice, quiet library."

At that point, the Ha! is added.

It would be awesome if the candidate would explain that there's some medical need for the peace and quiet:

ME: You have a medical need for the peace and quiet?

CANDIDATE: Um, yes. Um, nervous flatulence.

ME: Nervous flatulence? (writing Ha! again on the interview sheet.)
That's really a thing?

CANDIDATE: When I get nervous, I get gassy. You know, farty.

ME: (pausing to write, omg ha ha ha) So you fart when you get nervous?

CANDIDATE: Uh huh.

ME: Are you farting now?

CANDIDATE: No. Just when I'm nervous.

ME: (yelling) I don't make you nervous?!

CANDIDATE: Oops, too late.

ME: So you'll get all farty whenever something bothers you?

CANDIDATE: Like clockwork.

ME: How about some kids fighting?

CANDIDATE: Farty.

ME: Old dude looking at porn?

CANDIDATE: Farty.

ME: Are you loud? You know, because this is a library.

CANDIDATE: You didn't hear anything, did you?

ME: (intrigued with the idea of having my own trouble-seeking fart-machine to punish library hooligans) If you can you use Microsoft Word, you're hired.

So like I said, I'm off. And while I'm gone, don't steal my stuff. I know how many Pop-Tarts I have left in the box.