What to cut?

I see so many stories like this, "What would you cut? Cops or books?" where someone wonders about what's more important, the fire department, the police or libraries. And it's a no-win situation for libraries. Do librarians stop crime? Do they save your kitty from up a tree?

Everyone always has that same opinion that libraries should be cut because everything is online. There is nothing you can't get from the library that you can't get on the internet. Mostly true, but doesn't your house have running water? Doesn't every house in the city have water? So why don't we cut the fire department and put out our own fires? Has firefighting evolved in the last 100 years? Not if you count "making that hot red shit that burns everything go away" as their main purpose.

And don't even get me started on the police and my Batman or The Punisher fantasies. I'm convinced that the only reason I don't lose weight is because I fear that I might patrol the city's rooftops looking for criminals if I were in better shape.

Both fire fighting and policing the streets are things the average citizen could do, and has done in the past. But we want a safe, orderly society, so we pay professionals to do this stuff. And if we want to continue to have an educated society, we should also pay for libraries.

Now we have the internet and people just want to put a kid in front of the computer and tell him, "There's the whole world. Go get it." And this is supposed to replace the library?

Why don't we give each person a bucket of water and tell him to watch for fires? Or give out guns and some WANTED posters?

I would continue with this thought, but I need to post 30 times this month, so I'll pick this up later. No, this isn't cheating.

Another reason Why Librarians Are Awesome.

I should call this, "Why you ebook reading bastards have killed the Hood River County Library." Because their library is going to close forever due to reduced revenue from "radically decreased timber sales." So all you non-print-buying ebook readers have killed this library!

But I don't know how timber sales in Oregon are affected by electronic publishing, so I didn't go there.

Here is what they say was happening:

The County in 2010 so far has already cut the library’s budget by 30%. Each staff position has been cut 20%. Open hours cut 40%. The book budget has essentially been reduced to zero.

The proposed district, if approved, will restore these cuts as of July 1, 2010, and ultimately provide money to grow the library collection, provide more services for young families, enhance the available technology services, and guarantee stable funding for the future.

But the voters didn't pass the district measure. A quick check for properties in that area shows that many houses are in the $400,000 range, so maybe the poor folks couldn't afford the $220 a year it would cost (my guess) to keep their libraries open. But now the three libraries will close on July 1st.

So here is what makes the Hood River County librarians awesome: "Although the Library is closing July 1st, there’s still lots of Summer Reading fun to be had in June. Stop in and receive a free book if you pledge to continue reading all summer. Story times will continue through June 30th."

Yes, the same June 30th that is the day before they close all the libraries. So I can't believe that anyone would still want to, or would still be able to perform their usual library duties.

I don't know how I'd be able to do my "Itsy Bitsy Story Time" on June 30th with my sore throat... from shouting at every person I met, "You didn't vote for the library, F**K YOU!!! I will burn down your f**king four-hundred-thousand dollar houses, you motherf**kers!" (edited for the children.)

Or maybe I could save my voice from getting hoarse if I could get the bumper stickers printed up fast enough. That should keep me rested up for all the kiddies.

How many stickers should I put you down for?

It is April Fools' Day again, PCWorld?

PCWorld has this solution to the current library budget crises: It's Time for Public Libraries to Get Creative [by Phil Shapiro, Apr 26, 2010 6:30 am].

Mr. Shapiro writes,

"..start using the library space as a collaborative space to make things: books, music CDs, instructional videotapes, screencasts, art, inventions, software, and so on. And then you start selling those creative things to fund the library's operations. You sell those creative products via Amazon's Create Space, Apple's iBookstore, Lulu,..."

One of my library colleagues said this was too stupid for him to respond, to which I replied, "but not too stupid for me to respond?" whereby he agreed. This is exactly stupid enough for the.effing.librarian to respond.

I don't think Phil Shapiro uses public libraries. He says, "Half of a library's operating budget could be generated by the creative output of the people who use that library... Library staff would be hired based on their creative talents..." And then he makes some semi-humorous jokes concerning dead famous people, including Paul McCartney, who could create original material for the library. But his point seems to be that libraries should create their own content to support themselves. We should write our own books. It worked in "Be Kind, Rewind" (which I didn't see), so maybe we should take all the public domain material and rewrite it and make some money? Um.. because it's a stupid idea.

"Who would buy iBooks created by people in your library? Some of the purchasers would be people right in your neighborhood..."

So in place of a tax increase to support suffering libraries, we would produce crap and force the locals to buy it. If there is one solid idea that Mr. Shapiro and I can agree upon, this one is it: using force to get money for libraries.

He also says, "Libraries also need to start forming alliances with hacker spaces." If someone doesn't buy our library crap, we will hack them into the void by taking over their Facebook pages and posting pictures of Ku Klux Klan rallies with tags like "Family reunion, 2010."

I'm sure Phil, can I call you Phil?, believes that modern libraries can behave like his allusion to the modern Renaissance and have artists in residence to produce the materials to support us, but even so, if there were kids mixing club tracks on our computers or little old ladies writing armchair detective erotica, the numbers needed to sustain all the libraries are enormous.

"Half the library's budget," Phil? I don't think your plan could replace 5% of the library's budget.

There are 16,000 public libraries in the United States, counting branches, with 144,000 paid staff. Let's say you work for a large library and your budget shortfall this year is $1 million, or even that you work in a smaller library and you need $100,000; what does this mean to you?

My math sucks, but I'm guessing you'd need to sell 17,000 items at $15 each to raise that smaller library money. And 67,000 $15 items for the large library.

I don't even know what a moderately-successful author sells, but 67,000 items seems like a lot more than most authors ever sell, let alone some crazy person, resident-author using our library computer to bang out poetry made of strings of assorted characters as his head flops onto the keyboard: ...................................... [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ///////////////////////////.
[note: This poem is title, "ode to spring."]

So no, Phil, I don't think we'll be using your idea to save libraries, but thanks for stopping by.

Why Closing Libraries is Good for Libraries.

One simple law of economics is that scarcity increases value. So the short answer would be that closing a few libraries makes the others more valuable.

Here is an example:
We have computers in our library and we continue to survey the wait times for those computers to decide whether we should add more computers.

You might say, "Hey, idiot, add more computers if you can afford to buy them." But you would be wrong.

We learned that people complain when we have more computers than we need to satisfy the demand. Either unlimited computer access invites "squatting" or the unused equipment makes it look like we are wasting money.

So we survey how long someone actually waits for a computer. And we find that year in, year out, we manage to keep the wait down to an average (depending on the day of the week) of between 5 and 15 minutes. Yes, there are days when the wait is over an hour, but that's why we continue to run these surveys. Of course, there are also times when the wait is 0.

So we think that a 15 minute wait is not too long and patrons seem to agree because they return day after day to use the computers. People are willing to trade their 15 minutes to wait to use a free computer.

Now there are many blog posts about how FREE is the way of the future on the Internet. But public libraries are already free. Yes, the taxpayer funds them, but the average library patron does not see these fees since there are no recurring charges for library use.

The FREE business model does not work for libraries because they're already free. Free only works when there is the alternative to pay.

Now libraries can charge for services, but since they are funded by tax revenue, those charges are often viewed as unfair. Taxpayers have already paid for the Internet and the computers, so how can a library charge to use them? Those tiny pencils on the desk are free for me to take as many as I choose. And that out of print Criterion DVD is also mine.

Now that some libraries are suffering financially and the threats of closure are genuine, the public have shown willingness to accept certain fees in order to maintain services. Or better still, to allow libraries to begin charging for things libraries should have been charging for all along.

The threat of the loss of service has shifted some power back to libraries. If money is the issue, then libraries can use the current financial climate to renegotiate these contracts for these services, supplies, etc., formerly handed out gratis.

What does your library give away that you could reasonably charge for? Computer classes? Pencils (with erasers)? Envelopes? Do you give away free computer printouts? Do you waive overdue fines? Do you proctor tests for students? Meeting room use? Swim laps in your heated Olympic-size pool?

Of course, it's terrible when a library closes. Everyone loses. Libraries provide for more than we can ever truly understand. After a long career in banking, my mother has become a regular library user and has borrow many books and movies, and with that information has recently taken up welding.

Wait, did I say "welding"? I meant watercolors.

Libraries lend books for SAT/ GED/ GRE prep, nursing school entrance exams, postal exams, ESL instruction, ASVAB, citizenship, computer certification, real estate, HVAC, CDL, and the list goes on. And we don't know where any of that new knowledge took those individuals. They continue on as part of society, often not realizing how the library has affected their lives.

But when libraries perform too well; when we provide for everything, from ebooks to ebook readers to blu-ray discs to netbooks to MP3 downloads to streaming theatrical movies, it becomes inevitable that libraries will appear to be an excessive expense and become an early target for budget cuts.

Don't take this to mean that I am in charge of the money at my library. I could never balance a budget. When I worked for Taco Bell and my register was over by 37 cents, I just quit and walked out rather than try to find the error. Okay, that's a joke. It was at Burger King.

My point is for us to remember that there are essential services and other crap we buy because we had the money. And when the threat comes and you need to make those tough choices, you're better off cleaning house and eliminating the electronic crap and finding ways to charge for some services than you are crying and waiting for the library doors to shut for good and hit you on the ass on your way out.

Or maybe I don't have a point.

Last Year, the Library Cost Me $7,048.36.

I just saw this post on LISNews about how last year the library saved someone over a thousand dollars by the lending of books. And I realized, with some amount of shock, that last year the library actually cost me several thousand dollars. This is money I would not have spent without access to books, library computers and the Internet.

Without library computers, I couldn't shop at Amazon. Or Overstock. Or buy all that cool crap I see on Gizmodo. Yes, the library made my shopping habits more wise by allowing me to compare products and prices, but without all that information, I might have just stayed put and bought nothing. If I didn't know which widescreen HD TV to buy, do you think I would have bought any of them? But I bought three! I bought 3 HD TVs last year! Because information I got using the library led me to conclude that they were great bargains and that I needed them. Damn you [shakes fist], library!

Without the Internet I get through the library, I would just stay at home formulating my own ideas about the world. I could imagine that some great war had occurred and that every human was either dead or a brain-feasting zombie. No, I don't get my news from television. Television is a box of lies. I use my HD TV to play video games, which totaled $374 in 2009. Each game reviewed and recommended through the free Internet at the public library.

Like many libraries, we don't have the money to buy every DVD release. So sometimes our library buys only one season of some TV show that ran for several years. Our library has just Season 2 of Alias. So after I watched it I had to buy the other four with my own money: on sale $67.37. We have Seasons 1 and 3 of 21 Jump Street, and I bought the rest, including the spin-off, Booker. Similarly with Dynasty, I Dream of Jeannie, All in the Family, and West Wing. Don't even get me started on M*A*S*H. And don't mention Netflix because getting each of those disks in proper seasonal order would take about 20 months at $18 per month.

I also booked last year's vacation trip at the library and downloaded 400 tunes to my mp3 player: $1,034.

And what about my self-diagnosed health issues that I only discovered from using the library's online medical databases? I could have been ignorantly, speedily, racing toward death without the library. And richer for it.

But no, what I read forced me to have an expensive "procedure."

Doc: Why look at these charts; you're fit as a fiddle.

Me: And ready for love? Huh, Doc? Am I ready for love?

Doc: No, I'm sorry. What we fixed means you can never make love again.

And everyone laughed. But no one laughed harder than my girlfriend.

Where Libraries FAIL

I want to say one word: Plastics. I mean Advertising. Libraries can be as digital or as 2.0 as any other institution. But we will always fail because we don't accept advertising.

Advertising is the U.S.A.'s grossest, um, largest domestic product. Corporate sponsorship of events, advertising on Internet search engine results, logos on baby nappies, tattoos, billboards, television ads: is there one place where you won't find advertising? You could answer your church, but I'm sure there are companies mentioned in your hymnal who helped pay for the printing.

The only places I can think of that are ad-free would be tied to the government: public libraries, school media centers or libraries, universities and colleges. Some other libraries might be ad free, but only because they support their business: medical, legal, and other special libraries.

So most libraries are either part of government, the educational system, or they support some corporate entity already.

But public libraries, in particular, continue to struggle with their identities. Are they part of local government, established to support civic education, or are they entertainment centers?

I was reading a post-link from LISNews on video games in libraries, and I can see baby steps into the world of corporate sponsorship. In the world or print materials, libraries buy based on content, demand, etc. We don't buy books exclusively from one specific publisher. We don't buy only Disney DVDs. We have VHS and DVD, but those are two different formats on a technology timeline. What did libraries do when they had to choose between VHS and Betamax?

But in this world of video games, what do you do? Are you a Nintendo library, a Microsoft, or a Sony? Or do you buy everything for PSP, DS, Xbox, PS2, PS3? Does Nintendo care if you lend only their products? Should they?

And what about Microsoft and Apple? Libraries have been heavy Microsoft users in the past because most business and home users wanted Microsoft products. Will libraries be able to afford to purchase both brands of hardware in the future, if Apple gets more market share?

I think libraries should accept corporate sponsorship now. Become that Apple Library or that Sony Library. I would love to wear a bright, blue NASCAR pit crew jumpsuit emblazoned with logos from Skoal, Sears Diehard, and Tide.

Take me to the McDonald's Library! your future kids will say. And you'll think, "Wait. Didn't that used to be the Hershey-LEGO-Smirnoff Library? Ohgod, I love how they used to give out free Lego-shaped, vodka-filled chocolates with each new library card."

Companies already do this with sports arenas where they change the names every few years. It's not Yankees Stadium anymore, it's Wisconsin Mutual Insurance Field. No, wait, it's Budweiser Extra Wheat Non-Alcoholic Brew Stadium.

I'm just kidding about the advertising. My library is part of our government, so this isn't going to happen. We'll just struggle along with minimal funds as we always have. But if we can't manage to generate any self-respect or pride for our essential role, then it probably won't matter what we do in the future. Because if we can't figure out what we are, we won't be a library.

Library employee accused of double-dipping.

Look, we all need to do something to make ends meet. In these tough economic times, I think we all consider taking on extra work to make a little extra money.

I can't tell you how many times I've been given that brown paper bag containing that wig, blue dress and red shoes and told to put it on and repeat, "There's no place like home."

I think it's my eyes. They seem to say, "I surrender."

But really, who doesn't need extra money? And who doesn't try to make a little on the side? How many librarians out there also tutor non-English speakers while you work the reference desk? You go get a book and check on your student who answers your question about the "father of our country," and you say, "No, Washington, not Washingstone. You'll never get that Taco Bell job if you can't pass your citizenship test. And I told you to pay in fives and tens; no more fifties. Are you trying to get me in trouble?"

A clerk in Monticello Village, NY was arraigned on charges of fraud and grand larceny, and "38 counts of first-degree offering a false instrument." I'm not even going to touch that last item.

In addition to being employed full-time as a village clerk, Edith Schop also worked part-time at a law library from 8 to 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Monday to Friday.

She's charged with falsifying her time card by clocking in but not being at that job during those hours.

The story says she's been the village clerk since 1988. Among her duties (from what I can tell from their website), she is responsible for filing these applications:

• Application for Sign permit Form: a request to post sign
• Application for Peddler’s Permit: to allow door-to-door sales
• Freedom of Information Request and Appeal of Denial of a Freedom of Information Request: Yeah, wtf?

So when she applied for the part-time law library position, she was already employed as a full-time clerk. Full-time; government; 8-5, M-F. So who the hell looked at that schedule and said it would be okay for her to also work the law library schedule?

Law Library Human Resources: It says that you already have a fulltime position with the village.

Edith Schop: Yep.

Law Library Human Resources: And you realize this position overlaps with the hours of your current position?

Edith Schop: You betcha.

Law Library Human Resources: So you will be getting paid for doing two jobs at the same time, double-dipping, as we say.

Edith Schop: Is there a problem with that?

Law Library Human Resources: No, not at all. Not today.

Wikipedia says, "There are 25 registered sex offenders living in Monticello, New York in early 2007." Who the hell edits that thing????

UPDATE: October 26, 2009 - 3:49 PM.
MONTICELLO — Edith Schop has resigned as the Village of Monticello clerk. Schop, 68, submitted her resignation to Village Manager Ray Nargizian on Monday afternoon.

Another library system going down the crapper.

The Nevada County [in CA] Board of Supervisors voted Tuesday to further explore a proposal that could lead to a quasi-privatization of the county's public libraries.

County Librarian Mary Ann Trygg had proposed more than $400,000 in cuts over the next two years, but supervisors balked at that proposal because it would essentially result in a significant reduction in services.

Nevada County, you are going to lose library services.How can't you see that? You don't have any money. Right now, your choice is to keep your existing professional librarians at their existing pay and benefits or contract out with a private company and get those people fired. The private company will cut hours, cut pay, cut staff. That is how they save money.

Sure, some will get rehired, but at much lower salaries with fewer benefits. The good librarians will leave for jobs where their skills are valued, and you will be left with a few clerks.

Why can't you just cut out the middleman and cut hours now so you can keep your professional librarians?

[here comes the made-up stuff]

County Executive Officer Rick Haffey warned supervisors that similar public-private partnerships might also be worth pursuing in other departments as the county continues to address shortfalls in both sales and property tax revenues.

A survey of recently shuttered Nevada County businesses lists Mistress Donuts, Barbelles Gym, Nevada Rooter as potential ventures for combining out-of-work residents with current short-funded agencies. Haffney continued, "I think adding one or two of the former employees of Mistress Donuts to, say, the police force could be a nice cost-saving mix. You know, cops, donuts. It could work."

Mistress Sharon, the former donut shop worker, said she was familiar with "lots of cops" and thought she had skills the police department could use. "I could definitely get into cracking heads," she added, smacking her patent-leather gloved hand against her muscular thigh.

Employees from Barbelles Gym are considering combining with the County's Fire and Rescue department. And the Nevada Rooter workers, familiar with endless piles of crap, could take a couple of the open seats on the County Board of Supervisors.

Let the Looting Commence.

Congratulations to Philly for not exploding into a fireball of a crime spree when The Philadelphia Free Library announced it was on the verge of complete shutdown and no reboot. Because when I think Philadelphia, I think riots. I don't know why. Oh, wait, my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was tarred and feathered in Philadelphia for being a loyalist. (Just kidding.) It's probably just the city's high crime rate.

I'm sure you've heard that Philadelphia is closing its public libraries. No? But you heard the rumor that Lady Gaga is a dude? Yeah, you need to prioritize your Internets.

Yes, Philly is The City of Brotherly Love. But I can't help thinking that it's a City of Brotherly Crime. I don't know why I have that opinion. Philadelphia is where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And where Nicolas Cage found Benjamin Franklin's magic glasses that enabled the discovery of the invisible map on back of the Declaration, which he had just stolen, along with the glasses that he "found" in a wall of a national historic building. It's a city filled with history. And looting.

So when will the looting of the libraries begin? And if not the looting, what about the massive borrowing of materials that never need be returned? If you knew your library was closing for good on October 2, wouldn't you borrow hundreds of items right now? And get extra library cards for all your kids and pets and deceased relatives?

Look at the Free Library website; they are still taking applications for library cards!

But wait, the Library says, "In addition, all library materials will be due on October 1, 2009. This will result in a diminishing borrowing period for books and other library materials, beginning September 11, 2009. No library materials will be able to be borrowed after September 30, 2009."

I'm sorry. Is anyone in Philadelphia returning anything they have out right now? And if they do, isn't the clerk simply giving it back to them, winking, and reminding the patron that the library is closing for good? So that nobody has to reshelve stuff that will never be borrowed again?

And have you checked their calendar of programs for October, the month they are supposed to close? That Dog Whisperer guy is scheduled for October 5, three days after the library shutters its doors. Has someone told him not to bother showing up? And about the mess his dog just laid on the carpet?

And when are annoying popups okay? If your library is closing? Every time I go back to the Free Library home page, this message pops up to say the library is closing. Yes, I heard you the first time. Now, when the hell am I getting a copy of The Lost Symbol?

Anyway, Philadelphia is in a budget crisis and all of their libraries could close for good. So in the interest of assisting the residents of Philadelphia who would like to relieve the library of some of its inventory before the forced closure due to a cheap-ass state legislature, here is a partial list of locations where you can still get materials. At the very least, can't you just steal the library's 114 copies of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. For the love of God! Why??????

* Andorra Branch- 705 East Cathedral Road Philadelphia, PA 19128
* Bushrod Branch - 6304 Castor Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19149
* Bustleton Branch - 10199 Bustleton Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19116
* Charles Santore Branch - 932 South 7th Street Philadelphia, PA 19147
* Chestnut Hill Branch - 8711 Germantown Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19118
* David Cohen Ogontz Branch - 6017 Ogontz Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19141
* Eastwick Branch - 2851 Island Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19153
* Falls of Schuylkill Branch - 3501 Midvale Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19129
* Fox Chase Branch - 501 Rhawn Street Philadelphia, PA 19111
* Fumo Family Branch - 2437 South Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19148
* Independence Branch - 18 S. 7th Street Philadelphia, PA 19106
* Joseph E. Coleman Northwest Regional Library - 68 West Chelten Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19144-2795
* Katharine Drexel Branch - 11099 Knights Road Philadelphia, PA 19154
* Lucien E. Blackwell West Philadelphia Regional Lib - 125 South 52nd Street Philadelphia, PA 19139
* Northeast Regional Library - 2228 Cottman Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19149
* Overbrook Park Branch - 7422 Haverford Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19151
* Roxborough Branch - 6245 Ridge Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19128-2630
* South Philadelphia Branch - 1700 South Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19145
* Thomas F. Donatucci - 1935 Shunk Street Philadelphia, PA 19145
* Torresdale Branch - 3079 Holme Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19136
* Walnut Street West - 201 South 40th Street Philadelphia, PA 19104
* Welsh Road Branch - 9233 Roosevelt Boulevard Philadelphia, PA 19114
* West Oak Lane Branch - 2000 Washington Lane Philadelphia, PA 19138
* Wynnefield Branch - 5325 Overbrook Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19131

Please Join Us in Welcoming Our New Sponsor: OdorMarc

the.effing.librarian is proud to announce our partnership with our new corporate-affiliate and sponsor: OdorMarc, Location ID Systems.

We have broken our previous relationship with Hallllibuurrton Industries, makers of LoveSoft, personal sensual lubricants, and DeathSoft, the long-range military self-guided bomber aircraft, so please stop buying their crap, I don't care how much personal lubrication you think you need.

OdorMarc is a fantastic new library product, and we are all very excited to have them on the team. OdorMarc is a patented (Liberia, Uruguay) shelf management system utilizing an individual's most powerful sense to locate and organize library collections.

Colors are deceptive. Is that book spine chocolate, sienna, burnt umber, saddle brown or just plain brown? Are you viewing the colors through incandescent light, sunlight, white light, fluorescent light or candlelight? How will you ever find your books now that Dewey is no longer in fashion and all those spine labels have been torn off by that new idiot library director who thinks he can run the library like a Barnes & Noble?

Most books look too much alike for any standard classification system to organize them properly. Research shows that humans are 71% more likely to identify an object by smell than by touch, taste or even sight.

So OdorMarc solves these problems by assigning smells to books. Cherry, Rose, Vinegar, Vomit, Fish, and forty more perfectly recombinated scents. One simple OdorMarc Strip® is all it takes placed inside each book, but each strip is saturated with a complex combination of Pherotomes® (book scents).

There are 45 scents which combine to create a staggering 2.4 million unique smells. For example, here is what one customer says when she browses her library's collection: "Mmm, coffee, banana and mint tells me this book is AutoCAD 2009 for Dummies. And, Oy! Dog crap with a hint of cinnamon.. This must be The Da Vinci Code... No, wait.. who let a freakin' dog in the library?"

With OdorMarc, there's a scent for every book on your shelves.

Is your library suffering from budget cuts? Are you considering cutting the lighting bill to save money for essential library services? Well, you'll never be lost in the dark, with OdorMarc. Find any book; just follow your nose.

Why the Kindle suit is good and bad for everyone...

Amazon has been named in a class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of all Kindle owners for deleting some copies of 1984 from some accounts and Kindles. Amazon believes it had a duty to the publisher to remove stolen property from its customers' Kindles in order to keep them from going to jail for receiving that stolen property. But because some people like to spend time in jail, they're suing Amazon for all the fun they missed.

Or at least that's how I see it.

If you know me, you know that I hate the digital world. I'd like to go back to the days when I rode my bike over to my friend's house and he showed me things that he got for his birthday and we played with them or smashed them with a hammer. And the mailman brought us letters once a day. And the news came on at 6:00 and I didn't know a damn thing about the world until then.

I don't want to look at pictures of crap on Flickr or videos on YouTube. I don't want 5GB of email storage. I don't want to know everything as soon as it happens. I want life here, in my hands, so I can smash it with a hammer if I want to.

The Kindle suit is bad because Amazon was doing the right thing by its partner, the publisher and rights-holder to George Orwell's 1984. Amazon had unwittingly become a party to distributing stolen property when it allowed Kindle owners to purchase an item Amazon did not have the right to sell.

Amazon doesn't own the books it sells; the only thing Amazon really has any control over is the Kindle itself, the ebook reader, the hunk of plastic. And hammer-blow recipient.

I guess Amazon could have gotten a court order first, since, again, we're dealing with stolen property (IMO-IANAL-!!!-WTF-LOL, okay, forget it). But then hundreds of Amazon customers might have ended up in some criminal database only to have their children removed from their homes by the authorities.

But what makes this suit a good thing, is that I hate the digital world. I don't think any company has any right to tell me what I can do with my stuff. I don't like digital rights or copy limits or download restrictions. I don't want to go home to find that I'm locked out from all the shows on my DVR because some company has the power to limit how long I have to enjoy a television show. I don't want Microsoft to tell me that my installed Office suite is not a legal copy, and I don't want them to even have the power to look.

So if this suit forces companies to rethink their digital business models, then great. But to punish Amazon for taking advantage of people too stupid to understand how digital technology works, then that's just wrong. America is built on extracting fortunes from the stupid.

Why is it that I'm smart enough to understand how digital technology works, but they aren't. And look at me! I'm wearing a bib to eat! And I still got food all over myself. I'd have more to say about this, but my lunch break is over, and I think I got tuna in my hair.

We need insurance for the wired world.

So the RIAA screws some other poor bastard for hundreds of thousands of dollars (re: Joel Tenenbaum, $675 thousand; and Jammie Thomas-Rasset $1.92 million) for music file sharing.

And recently, a property management company sued someone for $50,000 for a tweet the company considered libelous.

In a connected world, every action creates equal, opposite, and even violent reactions.

I continue to see car, health and home owner insurance advertised on television, but where are the Internet, social networking insurance companies?

• Where is my blog post or tweet insurance for the time I mistakenly comment that fast food from M********* gave me this humongous culo?
• Or for when I link to a Korean site that streams Harry Potter movies?
• Or for when I snip too much of that Associated Press article?
• Or for when I copy, link, tweet, retweet, post, borrow, steal or reference anything on the Internet ever again.

How soon until I can cover my ass with $1 million of protection ("for just pennies a day")?

Don't current events demand this type of coverage?

... But won't the existence of such insurance only increase the spread of excessive tort litigation? Crap.

Where are all the bogus Michael Jackson wills?

There are the stories about Elvis giving away Cadillacs to strangers. Celebrities give gold watches to fans. But where are the crazy stories about Michael Jackson signing away pieces of his wealth?

I'm looking for a story where Michael goes into a convenience store for a bag of chips and a soda, but forgets his wallet at home, so he signs over part of a Beatles' song to the store clerk on the back of a brown paper bag as payment:

To Whom It May Concern,
I, Michael Jackson, King of Pop, do hereby assign twenty percent (20%) ownership in the future publishing rights to The Beatles' song titled "Good Morning Good Morning" to Lxxxxx Pxxxxxxxxx on this date, 7/23/2004, in exchange for one 6.3-ounce bag of Cool Ranch flavor Doritos and one 20-ounce bottle of Diet Mountain Dew Code Red soda.

Signed,
Michael Jackson (MJ)

Witnessed,
Harvey Sxxxxx, a customer

But don't try to copy this one; I've just submitted it myself through my attorneys.

Cheap is the new black.

I keep reading news stories about people ditching their cell phones and dumping cable TV and saving money, but none of these people are my friends. My friends have everything: smartphones with full Internet, smart 42" LCD televisions, smart kitchen appliances, smartpants.

Me, I wear the same old dumb pants and my cell phone only makes phone calls, which I only make about 3-4 times a week. But it only costs me $7 a month. I don't need my phone to do everything, and especially not right now. I grew up in a time when you had to find a phone, so whatever I need to do or say can wait ten minutes. Really? You absolutely need to text someone "lol" right now?

The only thing I need right now is a massage; I don't care where. If you want to rub it, have at it.

I don't like to pay for convenience. I believe in God, so I believe in inconvenience. Inconvenience is proof that God exists. Otherwise, science, math and evolution would have solved all of our problems by now.

So Cheap is cool. Or so says The Ultimate Cheapskate. The one thing I disagree with is that America's economy has changed from a saving economy to a spending economy. Whole industries are built on constantly moving dollars, not stationary ones like in banks or CDs or treasury notes. Money needs to change hands very rapidly otherwise we will all see just how broke we really are. It's like a game of musical chairs with 10 people and 2 chairs; as long as we keep moving, none of us will end up on our asses.

So Cheap for America shouldn't be about saving; it should be about spending. But spending in a way that creates jobs. Cheap is putting people to work.

And since we love our smartphones so much, I think we should combine the two and use our phones to create jobs.

I think we should go back to having telephone operators like the ones you see in the movies where you pick up the phone and speak to someone and ask them to get you a number. But not just for land line telephones, for cell phones and smartphones, too.

So you open your phone and say, "Marge, can you get me 555-1122?" And Marge politely puts your call through.

Or you say,
"Marge, can you text, "omg (space) nfw" to 10086 for me?"
And Marge replies with a cheery voice, "You betcha, honey."

What about social networking from your mobile phone?
"Marge, can you tweet, 'I just had the turkey, no mayo, which left room for cheesecake. Yum.'?"
And Marge says back,
"Are you sure you want to say that, again? You just sent that same tweet two days ago."
"Oh, no. I would look so stupid. Marge, you are a savior."

"Marge, can you google Ted's number at the Ramada in Dayton for me?"
"Goo-gol? Can you spell that?"

But sometimes Marge is such a smartass.

Bernie Madoff, our greatest writer of fiction?

Bernard Madoff, whose $65 billion investment empire has been described as "fiction" may be one of the greatest literary geniuses of the Twentieth Century.

Eclipsing Scheherazade with her promises of more to come, Maydoff convinced hundreds, if not thousands, to keep their assets with him year after year and to return for each quarter's unbelievable fiscal reports that were complete fantasy. The sustained financial world he created must dwarf (no pun) even the worlds that contain Mordor or Hogwarts.

Investors suspended disbelief for nearly two decades. How many literary series can boast that following? With an ending that is still being written, ...or ghost-written.

Please help me to exploit a dead celebrity.

Last year, someone donated a copy of Making Michael Jackson's Thriller on VHS to the library, and as is the case with donated items, the library put it on a book sale table and I bought it for $1.

Now that the King of Pop is gone from this world, I see that his memorabilia is soaring in value. On Amazon, copies of this tape are listed for over $150.

So, how can I profit from this? I guess if I sold my tape for $2, I'd still make 100 percent profit. But how can I make 10,000 percent profit? Does that seem fair?

See? That's the thing. I don't really care to rip people off by selling worthless crap at outrageous prices. Don't get me wrong, I love money. But there's only so much I'm willing to do for it. I've been talked into swallowing 100 heroin-filled balloons and sneaking over the border from Canada (damn your sexiness, George Clooney, you can talk a girl into anything). But exploiting a dead pop star is not cool.

The Library: America's Favorite Ponzi Scheme.

With all the news about Bernard Madoff and Robert Allen Stanford, we might forget that America's real favorite Ponzi scheme is the public library.

Remember what very few people bothered to ask Madoff a few years before his whole fraud collapsed: "How is it that you continue to offer such consistently steady returns while others around you are failing?" It is not uncommon for libraries to boast an increase of 15-20 or even 50%, crediting these figures on "Internet" use, "bathroom" use, and people generally losing their jobs and all their worldly possessions and having no place else to go.

While all is collapsing, libraries thrive.

Libraries thrive in tough times. Just Google it and see. (Oh, I may just do that, Mr. Smartypants. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm too lazy. Let me just go back to enjoying those adorable photos of kitties inside tea cups. If only someone would invent a device that lets me browse the Internet by simply shifting my weight on my butt cheeks: left click, right click, double-click. Oops, I think I just had a little accident.)

How do libraries continue to provide such excellent service when the local Starbucks has just closed? I mean, Starbucks charged $4 for a cup of coffee, didn't they make enough profit to keep these stores viable? What are libraries doing that's so much better?

Well, the secret is that libraries take your money and your neighbor's money and your other neighbor, well not them because they rent, but their landlord's money and then libraries buy books and other materials with it. And the libraries even borrow more money and build more libraries and then make you and your neighbors and the landlord pay it back for them. How great is that?

Libraries don't need to charge $4 for a cup of coffee because as long as you live and breathe, you will pay for libraries.

And the good news is, that it doesn't take very much money for you to "buy in." And as long as you continue to pay your share, without whining and complaining about paying taxes, the library will be a strong part of your community. But if everyone complains to their elected officials and then tries to reduce their investments, the library will fail and all that money will be lost. You don't want to lose your investment, do you?

So libraries are built on the premise that lots of investors will pay in a consistent investment over a long period of time. And everyone will see consistently high returns.

Now the older members of this association (we call them "senior citizens") feel they are the original members and see their advanced years as payment into the system, and often demand higher returns. Libraries often comply with these requests because old people hanging around just make the place look bad, so we usually give them what they want and send them home as quickly as possible.

But don't let this dissuade you. You, too, may complain about not getting new books and DVDs fast enough, and the library will help you for many years with quietly, passive-aggressive service.

Libraries guarantee consistent returns. As long as you don't panic and demand your money back. Or some government bureaucrat doesn't decide to close libraries to satisfy some budget shortfall caused by the local government investing all of its money in Madoff Securities.

What is a Ponzi scheme? It's simply a system whereby the original investors are paid back from the deposits of new investors. Now, in a really successful Ponzi scheme, the investors at the very top need to discontinue collecting from the new investors at the bottom; they have to hit a cap so that what the scam is collecting from the new investors is used to pay off the multitude of middle-investors who have already paid the top-tier investors.

When the top-tier continues to collect money long after they've made back their investment plus any fair amount of interest, then that's no longer a Ponzi scheme, it becomes the Social Security Administration. (Will there be any money left when you retire?)

But then what is the incentive for the top to continue collecting money, unless they continue to take a cut?And that's the problem with the traditional Ponzi scheme; at some point, there just isn't enough money to satisfy all the victims.

Again, just like the Social Security system.

Where do libraries get all this money to satisfy new investors? The apply for various grants and request increases from local taxes. They raise money.

And that said, the.effing.librarian needs to raise a little money. If you want to be a contributor to this fantastically profitable and financially solid institution with over two years of satisfying its members' dreams and ambitions, then apply now. It only takes $200,000 of "good faith" money to guarantee your acceptance. And then you'll be in. And as the.effing.librarian grows, so will your investment.

Public notice: the.effing.librarian is fully licensed in Cameroon and Nigeria (as an auto window-tint installer and doughnut shop).

Addendum. In "researching" this article ("how do you spell Cameroon?"), I came across these very very very wise words:

We have become a society that worships wealth, and when you elevate wealth to the only litmus test of being a member of the human family, then people will lie and steal and defraud and be revered for their bad acts.
We used to honor people who were hardworking, people who had talent. The fact that they became wealthy was great, but what we revered was their talent.
And, people are more than willing to go over to the dark side when they see they're not punished.

[Randy Johnston, author of Robbed at Pen Point -- from Where's My Money? Just Remember, "A Very Simple Old Scam Can Still Fool Smart People."By Megan Feldman]

But Randy's opinion is that accountability for all this abuse of trust and theft and destruction should be enforced through the court systems. Whereas, I think it should be enforced with a .44 Magnum.

Funny money.

You can add this to the Big List of Things Found in Library Books:

An Open Letter to Congress.

Dear United States Congress,

It is imperative that Congress appropriate $100 million for libraries. Libraries are essential for freedom, yadda, yadda. And if you can't manage that, can you get me some money to cover my ass for buying the world's most expensive magazine?

ITP Publishing produced a one-of-a-kind 14K gold and 622 diamonds cover for the April 2008 launch of Kohl magazine. And I bought it for our library. Yeah, awesome, huh. I knew you'd appreciate that, since you, Congress, are known for paying $600 for a hammer.

But it really wasn't my fault, the ISSN was one digit off from the Journal of Retired Precious Moments Figurines Quarterly. Besides, I was thinking how great it would be to have a solid gold and diamond-encrusted magazine in the library to bring in the crowds. I thought it would attract more people than even our "Wii - Fit Back into our Old Pants" Nights at the library. And so purchasing that one issue devoured our entire 2008-2009 budget.

Without immediate assistance, I don't think our library can survive. And as you know, for every $1 spent on libraries, the community receives back a gajillion dollars in Monopoly money or space credits or something; don't ask me, I'm not good with numbers, duh.

So please get this check out to me asap. Yeah, make it out to Cash.

Update: The most expensive magazine in the world was stolen because we loaned it out but forgot to take I.D. Whoopsy.

I am unable to continue.

It is unfortunate the I will no longer be able to continue delivering the.effing.librarian to you through this current blog format.

As you may or may not be aware, through various contractual agreements and product placements, I make about $126,000 a year from this blog. One hundred and twenty-six thousand dollars. And I have just been made aware, this is much, much, much too much money for a blog of this low quality.

So in order to continue producing this blog at the level at which you have become accustomed, I must reduce my revenue to something around, oh, nothing,... zero dollars, no money. Henceforth, I will write this blog for free.

I know this decision could give these posts greater value, being that I will earn nothing for producing the words you read, but I see this as a fair trade. I earn nothing, and you read something that is truly priceless.

It has been my pleasure to blog for you for what is probably a lot more money than you make at your library job. But now that I will earn nothing, won't it feel more like your time is worth it?