I was at the mall today and saw the long line outside the Apple store for the people waiting to buy the new iPhone. And the Apple employee was busy handing out bottled water to the thirsty customers.
On the surface, this is a nice gesture; the customer is waiting for several hours to buy a phone and will probably get thirsty, so you provide water.
But then I thought, what idiot waits in line, knowing in advance that it might easily be two or more hours and doesn't bring a snack and a drink? Apparently, many iPhone customers do.
You'd think Apple would use this as a test for who shouldn't have an iPhone:
Did you know there would be a line?
No, why would there be a line?
Sorry, no iPhone for you.
Wait. Yes, I knew.
So you know there would be a line?
Yes.
Do you have a granola bar with you? Twinkie? Pop Tarts?
Um, no.
Gum?
No.
Go-GURT?
No. What's that?
It's yogurt in a squeeze tube.
Ew. No.
Mentos?
No.
Juice box?
No.
Mountain Dew?
No.
Skoal? Red Man? Marlboros? Weed?
Sorry.
Just kidding. But do you need weed? Cuz I got the shit. No fooling.
No.
Raisinets? Chunky? Sno-caps?
No.
What the hell is wrong with you? We don't want your type associated with the iPhone. We have a multi-million dollar marketing campaign showing how awesome the iPhone is, and by extension, the iPhone user. You, sir, are not by any degree, awesome. You are a putz. Go back to your prepaid TracPhone. What were you thinking when you set out today? Or maybe you didn't think. Did you leave the oven on at home? Did you feed the cat? Is your car still running out in the parking lot with your Nanna sleeping in the front seat? Do you think we want you leaving our iPhone on the sink in the bathroom at Arby's? We don't want to hear that you dropped it in the toilet and that you expect a replacement. And we don't want to hear that you take our iPhone into an Arby's. And no Taco Bell, either. Have you had a colonoscopy? You should if you're eating that crap. Come back after you've had one.
