The computer and I.

I've never really liked using computers. I'm not a good typist despite my having typed at least 1,500,000 individual characters over the years, backspacing over many of them, and retyping the correct ones.

When I think about how I might enjoy learning to play the piano one day, in my advancing years, I remember how much my typing sucks and conclude that the sound my fingers might make on a piano keyboard would only mimic the sound of a thousand dollars in change being hurled down the stairs.

I have beautiful hands, but like most beautiful people, my hands are otherwise talentless.


#7 in a series of 30. Collect them all!

Public Computer Maintenance (from 1996)

This is from our computer maintenance handbook from around 1996. I just think it's an interesting bit of history. The first public computer I ever worked with was from a donation that didn't even have a menu to launch programs.

Does anyone remember using Lynx for browsing the Internet? (or reading, since there wasn't much to "look" at with a text browser.)

Daily

1. The computer should be turned on in the morning to make sure that it is operating properly. The "progman.ini" warning box should appear and then you should press enter to clear it.
The computer may then be turned off if no users are scheduled within the hour. Exit Windows prior to turning off the computer.

2. When a person is using the computer, the door should be closed. The thermostat next to the small meeting room controls the temperature and the gray plastic key is at the reference desk. Check on the person to make sure they appear to be using the system properly and appropriately. They should not be exiting from Windows to the "C:\" prompt.

3. Sometimes the screen saver will freeze up and not operate, so if the computer has been left on with no one using it, check to see if the screen saver is working. If the screen is blank, move the mouse to reset the screen saver.

4. As more and more people use the computer, the room may become dirty. It may be necessary to open that room at closing for the cleaning people to get in.

5. Keep track of who borrows software manuals and documentation.

Weekly

1. Perform a virus sweep using the virus detection in "PC Tools." This process takes about 5 minutes.

2. Turn in disk money to Sandra. Check disks and order more if needed.

3. Check all programs to make sure files aren't being saved by the users. Check WordPerfect, Ami Pro, and the financial programs and delete (or note to be deleted later) any files which do not belong. People should use a floppy and not save their work on the hard disk.

4. Note the number of users which may be used for monthly counts.

5. As use increases, a file may need to be created to store the filled sign-up sheets: discard old sheets after gathering statistics.

Microsoft receives coveted "hooker" patent.

Microsoft has been awarded a patent that allows them to charge a user for the level of service he selects and uses from a hardware or software package, otherwise known as a "brothel" or "hooker menu."
[from Ars Technica, December 29, 2008.]

As men who acquire the services of prostitutes know, the amount you pay is based on the services provided. And these services are many and often packaged as a bundle, or provided à la carte.

Common names for bundled services are:
the around-the-world;
the half-and-half;
the johnny-come-lately;
the New Jersey Turnpike;
and the two-eggs-any-style.
I won't detail the services provided for each menu item; try ordering one and surprise yourself.

A prostitute can provide virtually any level of service, from a simple catch-and-release lasting a few minutes to a full-blown nuclear meltdown that takes all night. The movie Pretty Woman dramatizes this type of service transaction in this scene:

[after negotiating a price of three thousand dollars]
Vivian (Julia Roberts): I would have stayed for two thousand.
Edward Lewis (Richard Gere): I would have paid four.

As the article points out, Microsoft has the patent to negotiate a scalable pricing schedule. But when blow jobs can be had for $1 at the bus station, can Microsoft set a price that will appeal to customers? (Okay, the article didn't mention blow jobs and bus stations, but it could have.)

How the USPTO can grant a patent for a "pay as you go" pricing scheme which has been in practice for thousands of years is anyone's guess. Maybe it's because hookers don't carry actual service menus, so Microsoft could claim they came up with it first.

:(

:P
8-o
:)
B(
XD
:\

"...may lead to social awkwardness, an inability to interpret nonverbal messages, isolation..."

Happy Birthday, Computer Mouse!

Where would librarians be without the computer mouse? Where would I be without that dagger-like pain that shoots up the back of my hand and across the top of my wrist from hours of mouse dragging? I think I've been using a mouse for computer work for the past 22 years, with a brief break in 1992 when I went to library school when we had no computers at all... because who needs to learn to use those?

But December 9 marks the 40th birthday of the computer mouse. The very first computer mouse weighed in at a whopping 417 pounds and was over 6 feet long. The "mouse technician" actually sat inside (see photo) of the mouse and operated it with foot pedals which propelled the mouse around on the floor. Moving the cursor a distance of three inches on the computer monitor required the technician to peddle a distance of 20 feet.

The top image shows the mouse and mouse driver. The middle image shows the undercarriage of the mouse with forward/backward and left/right turning wheels. The bottom image shows the 30,000 watt power supply. The first mouse consumed as much electricity as all of downtown Cleveland, Ohio. Which in 1968 was only one Dairy Queen and the movie theater that played Planet of the Apes, but still...

Accurate information can be found at MouseSite. Because, yes, I made all this up. Except for the birthday which is real.

I love free crap!

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten hooked on heroin because of all those free tastes.

And religious cults! I've joined them all! Free! Free! Free! Seriously, I was once locked in a church for two hours just to get a free hot dog.

And I love downloading free software. So I just got pretty excited when I saw a reference to a free download of IBM Lotus Symphony. Lotus Symphony? Wasn't that some software suite from the early 1980's? Yep, Wikipedia never lies.

I already have OpenOffice and Office 2007 and even WordPerfect 12, so what's one more office suite that I'll rarely use.

Anyway, it's a 200Mb download. If you're already using it, let me know if it's any good because I can't install it until I get home. If I install one more program on this work computer, I think it will explode.

(All I need is to begin creating all my docs in a new format like I did many years ago with AmiPro. So later that took me some time to find a document conversion program to get everything back to Word only for me to discover that all those documents were just crap like résumés and love letters to Adrienne Barbeau.)

Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v

You don't know how many times a day I do these steps;
Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v.

Whenever I want to post something I open the blog or comment box then open Notepad and type my stuff in Notepad. Then I Ctrl-a Ctrl-c Alt-Tab Ctrl-v and paste what I wrote.

I'm just so tired of losing stuff when boxes go bad, when I click Submit and then my stuff evaporates into random electrons. The words are there, then they're gone. Then I get angry and can't concentrate to reproduce what was there. Five, ten, or twenty minutes gone from my life.

So now I post then Ctrl-s to save my stuff into hundreds of tiny .txt files all stored on my flash drive, until they too disappear.

old skool computing

Reading Little Brother reminded me of when I first got involved with computing. Okay, involved is stretching it, I guess I should say, became aware of computers. Around 1982-83, a friend at work told me about fights he got into on a bulletin board, and he asked me to help him write clever insults to send back to his attackers. We would search the dictionary for interesting words and write stupid stuff that we thought was funny and clever, but always involved the attacker's mother. It got boring fast.

But what I learned was that there were levels of trust that got more exclusive depending on how much trust you'd earned: give more, get more. One day, my friend gave me a piece of paper with a really long number written on it. He said that if I punched that number into any pay phone I could make long distance calls for free. I put the number away. But yes, I used it once.

But I remember that one of the ways my friend was supposed to earn trust was to give someone on the board credit card numbers from off the carbons we threw in the garbage after each credit card sale. Yeah, remember that, when every garbage can in every store was filled with personal data? I was in Sears once a few years ago to buy a dishwasher and the guy prints out a receipt for the delivery with name, address, phone number, and preferred delivery time then throws it in the bin under the register because he'd made a mistake. Horrified, I grabbed it from the garbage and took it with me. Holy crap!

Anyway, I never collected the carbons. The fun of computing was over for a while. Until around 1984 when some company started placing these computer kiosks in the mall that were used for printing out coupons for the local merchants and displaying ads. One of the other options on the kiosk menu was for playing Adventure. Which was freaking awesome!

Then I started saving my money to buy a computer so I could play games. What a dork.

And yes, still a dork.

(As a librarian) Why I hate Apple.

[Inspired by the release this week of another Apple OS update and the prospect of buying even more Apple books.]

I buy a lot of computer books for our branch. This is a sample of the Mac books I have on the shelf right now:

MAC OS 8 (1997)
Mac OS 8.5
Mac OS 9
Mac OS X
Mac OS X, Jaguar (10.2)
Mac OS X, Panther (10.3)
Mac OS X, Tiger (10.4)
Mac OS X, Leopard (10.5)
Mac OS X 10.5.2 (no books yet; just released 2008)

If someone could explain why I should keep all these damn Mac books, it would make me really happy. I mean, does anyone still run Mac OS 8 like a Windows user might still run Win 98? And why did Apple release 9 operating systems in 10.5 years?

If I keep a Tiger book, can I trash a Panther?

I don't know how different these systems are from each other, so with each new release, I buy fewer and fewer Mac books. (Is that my fault that I don't know, or is it Apple's for all the damn updates?)

As a courtesy to borrowers, I try to keep older stuff, but I think I need to pick a cut-off date, like 1998, and dump everything else. It's kind of mean to do it because for some reason, the old stuff still circulates.

What the hell are you guys doing?

fyi: I still have DOS books and even Apple II books in the collection, but I might keep a few of those for archival/historical purposes.

What's in your nerd bag?

I have a "nerd bag." It's what I take with me when a friend calls for computer help. I like my nerd bag: it's like a heavy duty travel notebook case, but without the notebook pc.
In it's place are these:

• 60 gig usb drive loaded with crap
• external dvd/cd burner
• anti-static wristband
• RAM (why do I have so much RAM?)
• assorted cables
• PC screwdriver tool kit
• usb thumb drive
• holy water (sorry, that belongs in my "vampire apocalypse" bag, but it has been known to cure the Windows BSoD - you just empty it onto the MB and buy a new PC; but mostly it's good for slaying the undead and other vile creatures)

All I need is a can of compressed air, and I'd be ready for any pc emergency. Except then my nerd status would be certified; so in place of compressed air, I'll carry a flask of Jim Beam. I'll just get one out of my "date with Lindsay Lohan" bag. Hey, there's holy water in there, too!