Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Let the Looting Commence.

Congratulations to Philly for not exploding into a fireball of a crime spree when The Philadelphia Free Library announced it was on the verge of complete shutdown and no reboot. Because when I think Philadelphia, I think riots. I don't know why. Oh, wait, my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was tarred and feathered in Philadelphia for being a loyalist. (Just kidding.) It's probably just the city's high crime rate.

I'm sure you've heard that Philadelphia is closing its public libraries. No? But you heard the rumor that Lady Gaga is a dude? Yeah, you need to prioritize your Internets.

Yes, Philly is The City of Brotherly Love. But I can't help thinking that it's a City of Brotherly Crime. I don't know why I have that opinion. Philadelphia is where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And where Nicolas Cage found Benjamin Franklin's magic glasses that enabled the discovery of the invisible map on back of the Declaration, which he had just stolen, along with the glasses that he "found" in a wall of a national historic building. It's a city filled with history. And looting.

So when will the looting of the libraries begin? And if not the looting, what about the massive borrowing of materials that never need be returned? If you knew your library was closing for good on October 2, wouldn't you borrow hundreds of items right now? And get extra library cards for all your kids and pets and deceased relatives?

Look at the Free Library website; they are still taking applications for library cards!

But wait, the Library says, "In addition, all library materials will be due on October 1, 2009. This will result in a diminishing borrowing period for books and other library materials, beginning September 11, 2009. No library materials will be able to be borrowed after September 30, 2009."

I'm sorry. Is anyone in Philadelphia returning anything they have out right now? And if they do, isn't the clerk simply giving it back to them, winking, and reminding the patron that the library is closing for good? So that nobody has to reshelve stuff that will never be borrowed again?

And have you checked their calendar of programs for October, the month they are supposed to close? That Dog Whisperer guy is scheduled for October 5, three days after the library shutters its doors. Has someone told him not to bother showing up? And about the mess his dog just laid on the carpet?

And when are annoying popups okay? If your library is closing? Every time I go back to the Free Library home page, this message pops up to say the library is closing. Yes, I heard you the first time. Now, when the hell am I getting a copy of The Lost Symbol?

Anyway, Philadelphia is in a budget crisis and all of their libraries could close for good. So in the interest of assisting the residents of Philadelphia who would like to relieve the library of some of its inventory before the forced closure due to a cheap-ass state legislature, here is a partial list of locations where you can still get materials. At the very least, can't you just steal the library's 114 copies of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. For the love of God! Why??????

* Andorra Branch- 705 East Cathedral Road Philadelphia, PA 19128
* Bushrod Branch - 6304 Castor Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19149
* Bustleton Branch - 10199 Bustleton Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19116
* Charles Santore Branch - 932 South 7th Street Philadelphia, PA 19147
* Chestnut Hill Branch - 8711 Germantown Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19118
* David Cohen Ogontz Branch - 6017 Ogontz Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19141
* Eastwick Branch - 2851 Island Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19153
* Falls of Schuylkill Branch - 3501 Midvale Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19129
* Fox Chase Branch - 501 Rhawn Street Philadelphia, PA 19111
* Fumo Family Branch - 2437 South Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19148
* Independence Branch - 18 S. 7th Street Philadelphia, PA 19106
* Joseph E. Coleman Northwest Regional Library - 68 West Chelten Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19144-2795
* Katharine Drexel Branch - 11099 Knights Road Philadelphia, PA 19154
* Lucien E. Blackwell West Philadelphia Regional Lib - 125 South 52nd Street Philadelphia, PA 19139
* Northeast Regional Library - 2228 Cottman Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19149
* Overbrook Park Branch - 7422 Haverford Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19151
* Roxborough Branch - 6245 Ridge Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19128-2630
* South Philadelphia Branch - 1700 South Broad Street Philadelphia, PA 19145
* Thomas F. Donatucci - 1935 Shunk Street Philadelphia, PA 19145
* Torresdale Branch - 3079 Holme Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19136
* Walnut Street West - 201 South 40th Street Philadelphia, PA 19104
* Welsh Road Branch - 9233 Roosevelt Boulevard Philadelphia, PA 19114
* West Oak Lane Branch - 2000 Washington Lane Philadelphia, PA 19138
* Wynnefield Branch - 5325 Overbrook Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19131