Thursday, June 18, 2009

Salt Lake City Main Library: ChronicTown

Salt Lake City police arrested ten people at the downtown Main Library for selling marijuana in the building.
[from LISNews]

Those arrested in front of the library were young white males which immediately drew the suspicions of one library-goer: "Young white guys at the library? This isn't 1964, they must be up to something," the unidentified library patron never said.

The young white men added to the suspicions by carrying copies of the Twilight series of young adult novels in order to appear inconspicuous as they hung out in front of the library. "Guys reading Twilight, something was up with that. I called the police immediately," another unnamed library patron never said.

Acting on these tips, the police investigated and discovered the thriving marijuana business. "This was less shocking than the guys reading Twilight, but still against the law," a source from the Salt Lake City Police Department didn't say.

"We focused more on the dealers than the buyers because otherwise we'd have to close the library for lack of staffing," the source from the police department didn't say. "Librarians are the biggest purchasers of 'sick' chronic," the source never added.

Salt Lake City librarians were shocked by the raid which immediately cut off the supply of weed.

"What will I do now? Without my daily doobie, I will freak out and kill every one of these bastards in here," the unnamed librarian never commented. "I guess I'll just have to go back to mixing Zoloft, Oxycodone and cherry-flavored Dr Pepper."

Yes, Zoloft, Oxycodone and cherry-flavor Dr Pepper: the librarian's little helpers.

(Yes, I made this up. Librarians are not drug addicts. Unless you count inhaling correction fluid.)