So I'm sure you've heard of Twitter, the microblogging blah blah blah that has occasionally saved a life or freed a Turkish student from jail or cured cancer or ruined a marriage or turned a simple sandwich into a meal. But if you're not tweeting, you are beyond our contempt. You might as well be a serial killer.
Anyway, there's a "news" item (and by news, I mean, some crap you would never care about in a million years, but the economy is just depressing everyone so the news media are going to push this story so that you can forget your life is ruined for a moment and take that gun out of your mouth), about how Ashton Kutcher ("celebrity MILF wrangler") and CNN ("We shortened your attention span") are racing to see who can collect 1,000,000 followers on Twitter.
So when I helped my mom get her own Twitter account yesterday, I was just clicking "Next" "Next" to create the account, and I didn't notice that I was automatically given 20 accounts to follow. There was a list with all these people I don't know and don't want to know. And on that list was Ashton Kutcher. I don't remember if CNN was in the list; I don't think it was. But I don't see how you can have a contest when one of the contestants is automatically given followers unless I opt out by removing a check from the account name.
I'm sure Kutcher is a nice guy: I liked The Butterfly Effect. And I think CNN used to deliver the news back when Reagan was President, although now I don't know what they do; I think they keep Larry King's corpse animated as part of some reality game show where they win fabulous prizes (a new Pontiac Sunfire!).
So I took him off my mom's account even though she says he's "Kutcherlicious," whatever that means. But my mom has been inviting this kid from her neighborhood around to do little errands where he doesn't wear a shirt. Little things, like lick the envelopes when she pays bills. I've learned to expect to see a half-naked kid with his tongue out lying around the house when I visit.
I guess that's normal: mom's been feeling lonely ever since she kicked my dad out of the house.
But is this a fair contest if Ashton Kutcher is already added to new accounts? And CNN isn't? Or even if it is, what kind of contest give points to each contestant for doing nothing? Just as a publicity stunt? And that's what this is, a fake news story to create buzz for Twitter.
Now if Ashton or CNN want me to follow them, they should follow me first. You hear me, Ashton? Are you going to start following the effing librarian? When I see you following me, I'll follow you back. And CNN... forget it. I can't even bring myself to follow you out of irony.