#8 Pain don't hurt: Flat descriptions about someone's emotional state bring tears from editors, not readers. Now, don't look to me for fixes on this, I'm not the best with emotion, but I do know you can't just say "His accusation made her feel bad." Describe the feeling bad through images or actions. Did her face heat up with shame, or did it cause ice to form in her gut, or did she flee to the bathroom and sob into her scarf?
(now this is me helping)
"...I almost screamed."
"You almost screamed?" He stressed the "almost" to tease her.
"Yeah."
"Well, what did you do when you almost screamed? I've never seen anyone almost scream. Do you mean that you wanted to scream, but you didn't?"
"What are you talking about?" Her voice got loud like when she argued with her mother. "What's your problem. Just go back to cutting our lawn."
"I'm not fighting with you, but I need to know. How do you know that the next thing you would do is scream? Did you feel the scream coming and you covered your mouth in case you screamed, so no one would hear, but covering your mouth distracted you from screaming, so you didn't? Did you think about screaming, but realized you weren't really terrified enough to scream?"
She looked off as if she were remembering. "Well, yeah."
"Good. Now tell me what you did. Exactly. What did you think?"
"Well, I was scared. I thought something was going to jump on me or hurt me. But nothing happened."
"You mean immediately, right away."
"Yeah, nothing happened right away. It was like I saw something scary, but nothing happened, nothing went with it. It was just something I saw."
"So you didn't scream."
"Yeah."
"So you were just startled. It scared you at first, but there really was no threat, so the scream never came."
"Yeah, that's right."
He turned from her and felt around in the nylon sports bag that lay on the seat of the riding mower. When he found what he needed, er showed it to her, its blade sharp and ready for work. Then he grabbed her throat and held it tight."That's good, but now I really need to hear you scream."
There. Problem solved. The next time you want to write about someone almost screaming, use that. Go ahead. It's all yours, totally free. But I guess the person I stole it from might object.
#11. So that's why you wrote this: I've read stories where the most precise language and evocative imagery is saved for the all-important pudenda-shaving scene as the heroine gets ready to go to the library. I'm not knocking your kink, I'm just wondering why so much word-weight is put into a personal hygiene choice in a story about tracking down Shoggoths.
Looky, a library reference! I once wrote a whole story just to use the line, "she receded into darkness, and as she waved goodbye, she seemed to pull at the air like a drowning ghost." I love that image, like a drowning ghost. Don't steal that, you stealers!
And for some reason which I can't rember, I found my way to afghan-cap, the "Ageless, Faceless, Gender-Neutral, Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person." And I can't remember why, but I wrote this (maybe it was meant to poke fun at the choose your own adventure games, but I don't know).
So there. Any way I can help.As the first-born child of the leader of the Thraals, your favorite pastime is folding laundry.
"But I hate to do the laundry," you think.
I realize that you might hate to do the laundry, but this is what the Thraals are know for. They can fold and press a ladies pleated button-down silk-ramie blend blouse faster than anyone.
"So, I don't care."
You may not care about folding blouses, but it really is important. Just go with it. It will be really useful later on. Okay?
"I guess so."
Now, if you use starch, turn to page 44, for no-starch, turn to page 12.
